Aunt LaLa

I am one in four. 15 - 20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a large number. Since June of 2016 our family has had to endure four miscarriages. One being my own. In my memories on Facebook I seen where I had posted and about the interview with Channel 8 here in East Tennessee. And I shared about the balloon release that we did in 2013. And I remember getting so much healing from both balloon releases that we did in honor of Hope, and all the other angels that we wrote on our balloons for the ones who could not be with us. And since I've had Ethan I have not been able to have a balloon release. The first year that I didn't was because Ethan was just out of the NICU and with the new baby, and being a new mom it was hectic and I was dealing with postpartum. Then the next year I was enjoying being a mom and honestly did not want to spend my birthday or my birthday month grieving.  Not that Hope was ever forgotten or...

So, I hope you seen my live on Aunt LaLa's Facebook page. If you are have not been over there please do :) Like and Follow... The video went into where I have been... and why the hiatus from blogging. Last year was a rough one. J lost an uncle and 2 aunt's. We had a friendship severed. Just two weeks ago we were hit financially. In a very big way. My heart was broken when we lost Little Bit. J put it so accurately when he said that we were blindsided... We were in a mindset of this pregnancy would be tough like Ethan's but it would be okay. Losing the baby never entered our minds. We did not share the due date. On purpose. I really didn't think I could handle everyone knowing. Losing Hope was so different. Talking about it helped me. It helped me heal. It connected me to women, forged friendship... Losing Little Bit has been completely different. I felt more vulnerable, it has felt deeper somehow The most difficult part of this journey was t...

 Just a little update on how we are doing... I've noticed in this journey of miscarriage and infertility people are generally afraid to ask questions or bring it up. Afraid it will be awkward or make us sad. Let me say first, it is okay to ask. We want to talk about Little Bit. The baby was apart of us no matter how short the time. We loved our sweet Little Bit. We would rather feel sadness and talk about the baby, then feel like people have forgotten. That to me has been tough. I know no one is going to grieve the way we do... its tough thinking no one remembers. J is right here with me. Grieving too. People often forget that the dad grieves too. J and I have been on a long journey toward growing our family. Having E gave us this false sense of hope that we would not loose a baby because we were successful getting and staying pregnant with E. We were unfortunately blind sided by the still small image on the screen. In saying all this we are having more bett...

My post on here, my personal Facebook, my Instagram account almost never hold a rant.  There is this stigma that really gets under my skin.  I lost my baby at six weeks and one day. And I am grieving. It is hard. No that does not make my love any less for E.  No his everyday smiles does not some how magically erase my broken heart. (It sure helps me smile though) No I am not reveling in the past but mourning a child... that I already had dreamed of. Made plans for. Decided on a name if it was a girl.  No I am not being dramatic.  If you know me at all the desire to be a mother has been strong in my heart since childhood.  So to loose something you so desperately want is heartbreaking.  It does not take away from my faith, or mean I don't trust in God.  It does mean I am questioning and asking why?  It does mean that I get angry. And feel I have been dealt ...

I felt like writing this post because as any one who has walked through grief knows that it is UP and DOWN  daily So today was an UP day for me.  Friday night was an ugly night. I was having a good day mostly. Very busy.  I had volunteered at our church's food pantry which I LOVE. I have not been able to because almost everyone in my family works.. so no babysitter.  Had to pick up my gorgeous niece and nephew from school.  But I started to get really sad. I had to tell two more people that we had lost our "little Bit"  Yesterday was two weeks since I had the D and C... it is not like I am trying to focus on dates it is just hard not for that thought of... Tuesday will be three weeks... three weeks since I seen my baby on the ultrasound... and so on. And it was the same with Hope. Those first, the holidays, the milestones.  So last night I was cooking... and I just broke. Ugly, gut wrenching, bending over crying. Trying to h...

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5 This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to. Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way.  Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before.  Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard.  Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things.  Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me.  My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression.  All wi...

I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis. On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions. We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone. But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook. I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks. So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray. Saturday 10/15 my birthday My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited. So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat.  As soon as I seen the sac, I knew.  The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger.  I felt a rush of anxiousness.  I knew, I just knew.  Josh s...

*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) . As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out. I just cried. Cried hard. My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time. I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh. Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches. Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. 1 in...

One year ago today a new season in my life was manifested. One year ago this morning around 2am we lost our precious baby. Hope would be around 4 months right now had she been meant to stay on this earth. Even though my heart is broken I feel Gods presence with me today, so strong. Through many talks and prayers with my God, I made it through these last few days without being devastated. Through my obiedance I believe God gave more healing to my heart. Sunday morning was extremely difficult. But I received so much support. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. My sweet friends and family held me hand, rubbed my back, gave me hugs as I stood for the first time as a mom on the stage with the rest of the moms. I can not even begin to describe how much they helped. I know without their support and God's supernatural strength I wouldn't have made it through. As I left service I felt a little lighter, a little bit of that dark grief left. Last night was our women...

The fifteenth passes every month without a second thought to most.  For me its another marker of my baby being in Heaven.  It is a marker that I'm another month stronger.   It will be a year next month that we lost our precious baby, Hope.  I've been thinking about this alot lately. I think about where I was last year at this time, not realizing I was about to embark on the MOST painful journey of my life thus far. I've been going back and forth about what exactly I'm going to do next month when we reach 1 year mark. J and I have talked about this numerous times, as always he wants to support what I want to do.  He is such a gift.  My life is busy. Full of laughter and people I love. Full of work and stress. Full of school, cohorts, and projects.  The closer the 1 year mark gets the more bad days I'm having.  Of course there has been death around me these past couple months. Not me directly but loses for people ...

It's so hard to concentrate on work or school while I'm fighting these spiritual battle. I went to a grief and loss session and so much came out of me I didn't even realize was there. A big hugs boulder in my life that I chained myself to that was literally sucking the life out of me. Its been a crazy time. I am working through it. So bare with me, as I am feeling a tad overwhelmed with it all. I've made yet another resolution to my attempt at processing my grief. I'm only taking one day at a time. Don't tell me to be strong, because right now its ok if I'm not. I've posted several times about being an expert at " Pushdownism ". And if I continue with that state of mind I'm going to be even more unhealthy then I was before losing Hope. I'm working on not comparing. Comparing how much better of a mom I would be then so and so. My heart cries out "God! I've been faithful to you! Why must I suf...

Everyone of us has a past... The past molds us to who we are. This could be bad or good. We allow some things to dictate everything we do. I've seen this come in many forms. Fear Guilt Shame humbleness Compassion Awareness Pride Anger low-self esteem lack of self-efficacy  poor judge of character bad relationships bad choices over eating starving addictions bitterness Some of these are good some... not so much.... well the majority I've listed are from a nagetive point of view.  I read a quote today from a devotional posted by a friend "Your past is not your past if its effecting your present" This made me think. All of our past effect us in some way... But I think the person saying this was trying to make the point of you must not let your past effect your every move and define us. It molds us and we learn from our past. But how much of our negative experiences and pain do we carry with us all the time. What kind of burden are we c...

I'm not going to lie and say that I have had the best attitude or mind frame these last few weeks. Losing our baby last year hit me really hard over the Holidays. I realized there would be some difficulty but nothing like I experienced. I was talking to my best bud, we were talking about some different things we were both working through. We were talking about my grief just hits me at random. Sometimes just a little and sometimes it knocks me down. I told her, for everyone around me our miscarriage was an event and everyone moves on with their life. But for me... its still there. My heart is still broken. I'm not at all expecting people to know or understand where I am in this journey or am I upset because they have moved on. I have had some of the most amazing friends gather around me and pray for me. Talk to me and listen. Honestly, I'm not sure when this will stop. Or when I'll be "OK". I know that I will never be the same. It changed me forever. I ...

I haven't really talked much about Hope here lately. Its not that I don't think about her. In fact she has been on my mind quiet frequently. The 15th came and left and I didn't even remember it was the 15th. It has been 6 months since we lost our Hope. Even though it has gotten easier the grief hits me out of no where sometimes. Like yesterday. I was shopping for Thanksgiving groceries and I thought while I was there I would look in the man's clothing to see if I seen anything that caught my eye for Josh for Christmas. As I was walking through that section I walked right into the baby section. I turned that buggy so fast and practically ran from there. The air escaped my lungs. I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. As much as I smile, pray, and enjoy my family there will be something missing. I should be around 6 months pregnant. I was realistic about how I would feel during the Holidays. Thinking it was going to be painful... but the ache of a hole in ...

I'm not sure who reads this from my local city in Knoxville or surrounding counties. But October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. As you know Josh and I lost our precious Hope on May 15, 2012. In remembrance of ALL our losses I would love to have a balloon release. I know that this is something very painful, but I believe this could be healing. These were our children that we lost. I want to remember her and honor her memory. If you are interested in being apart of this and want to walk with me in this journey PLEASE let me know. The 15th isn't that far away. So if you want more information or would like to attend you can message me at auntlala25@gmail.com. Thank you!    

OK Friday's Letters were not the happy... I apologize. I try not to be hum-drum on this bloggy world! :) But last week was a bear! I won't go into all the details but remember my precious niece and nephews (O, J, and E) ... Love those kiddos! Saturday was four months since we lost our Hope. Honestly I've been so upset its almost as if my mind wouldn't let myself think about it. I don't think I have still let myself think on it. It brings up so much emotion. I will probably have some quiet time today just to think on our baby girl. However something that brought a huge smile to my face was the drawing I received from my friend Nancy. Is that not beautiful! I got it in the mail on Saturday morning :) It was perfect timing, God knew my heart needed this. My brother moved into his new apartment! I'm am so excited for him and this new journey. Big changes for the kids. But they are such troopers! They love Dada's new place. E loves his dada! A...

Today I've decided I would reveal our babies name. For a couple of reasons. First- We will be trying again to conceive and feel its time to share. Not that we could ever replace or want to replace our precious baby. Second- We want to celebrate her and acknowledge what she has meant to us. I want to write something about her from now on and use her name. To answer a question I know that will be asked. No we were not far enough along to know if our baby was a he or a she. However Josh and I followed our hearts. We just felt it was a girl. We named her... Her rock is resting with the other remembrance rocks of  babies lost. Put together by a women who suffered her own loss this year, and this was her way of healing. Naming Hope was a beautiful but painful moment for Josh and I. We were talking about how we were going to cope and heal through this. A dear friend shared her experience and that she named her baby. We felt this was something that would help us. As we bo...

There is a song by Jo Dee Messina "Bring on the rain".... Yesterday my heart ached for our baby so desperately. I first started my morning with a professor who is about as far as I would be right now with our precious one. Then something was mentioned about Sunday being a baby dedication for our dear friends. I was fine until Praise and Worship last night. I think because when I worship its with my heart and soul. Of course it opens yourself up emotionally and thats when the dam broke. I was just hit with a wall of pain. So painful I could hardly breathe. At one point I was crying so hard I fought the temptation just to RUN! I just kept pouring my heart out to Jesus and at times just listening. Grief is a funny thing. You think your ok and your healing... then BAM.. My heart is broke. I miss our baby so much that at times I can't think. I am healing. And I am making it.But last night was one of those nights I just wish I had my baby. I want to cuddle her. Kis...

Just to warn you this post is not a happy one. But as I go through this process of grief I'm writing it helps me make myself deal with this pain. Today is 7 days ago at about 2 am I lost my first baby. And that hurts. Honestly I want to crawl in the bed with Josh and lay there. Because everyday I feel the emptiness in my stomach. Thats painful. I'm not sure when I won't feel this strong sense of loss. I've went through the loss of two grandparents and it was a grueling time. You feel in a fog. This grief, is nothing like I've ever experienced. I so appreciate all the sweet letter and comments sent to me. Thank you. Knowing that our baby is recognized and was loved is comforting. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting. Our baby would have been born sometime in or around December. A Christmas baby? We won't ever know the 'true' birthday. Maybe we will celebrate this little life next year. I feel the overwhelming need to make this baby be recognized ...