"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5
This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to.
Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way.
Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before.
Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard.
Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things.
Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me.
My breast are back to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression.
All with in a months time I found out I was pregnant and lost Little Bit before we were able to hear its precious heart beat.
Frankly, I get really frustrated easy. I know the root is the unfairness of having to suffer this a second time.
Unfortunately I am a fixer. So I spend energy trying to unpack my apartment or work on a project. Reading. Anything to fix my heart.
But the thing about grief is there is no "fix"
You cannot go around, over, under, around... you have to walk right through this painful valley of grief.
Loss is not easy, and I feel like sometimes I am drowning.
I am clinging to the knowledge that my family and friends are praying for me.
A week ago today I had my D and C.
I HATE typing that. It really makes me feel angry and want to go punch something (I think I maybe in the anger phase of grief)
My Dr. was pleased with how well everything went. She does not think that there is anything major going on , but is leaving it up to me to do further testing.
I am just not there right now.
Right now I want not to be sad, right now I want to see Ethan's baby things and not remember Josh and I talking about what we were keeping for this baby.
I don't want to see my husband hurting and upset. Or remember the look on his face when I told him why the ultrasound was going to get the Dr.
I want to be pregnant with our little baby.
Grief is so ugly... so maybe you think I should not share so much....or wonder why I do?
I will tell you.
Isolation is the enemy's favorite weapon. He comes to steal kill and destroy.
Frankly I have been down that road. When we lost Hope I was lost in the deep depression and lonely walk of grief.
I have shared about my choice one day to live. Live for what I had been blessed with.
So everyday, sometimes moment to moment I choose to live. Live for my son. Live for my husband. Live for my self. But most important and as unhappy I am with having to go through losing another baby... I choose to live for God.
I do not understand why I am going through this again. I wish it was not happening.
I know if I am going to heal and be joyful, and continue to breathe... I need God.
To be completely honest my heart is hurting.
I will be okay.
I will make it through this.
Maybe no one wants to read my story and maybe I am only writing to help me process everything... but this blog is here for a reason.
I hope in the near future you will see a happier post, but if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I cannot just pretend. This is me. This is real.
All my love,