Thursday, April 24, 2014

Close to My Heart

This week is Infertility Awareness Week. If you have been hanging around Aunt LaLa for a while you know infertility is a big part of my life. Our story has been a long one, but does not compare to some of the heart ache that couples have suffered. And are still suffering. 

Struggling with infertility was the hardest things I've been through. I've lost a sweet angel. Now I'm gaining a miracle. Even though I'm finally expecting, it is still so fresh in my mind of the pain and heart ache we went through. 

We have been trying to get pregnant for four years. Never in my dreams did I think I would travel down this road or know how hard it would be. I've cried buckets and buckets through this journey! 

As a woman you struggle through so many emotions. You feel inadequate, that something is wrong with you, worthless, useless, guilt, and most of all your heart is broken. These are feelings that come and go. Sometimes are more over whelming than other times. 

Things that really bothered me hearing (even though they were spoken in love) 
"Your time will come" - "Your young you have plenty of time" - "Don't worry about it, it will happen" - "Just need to get healthier" 

In reference to losing Hope
"God needed another flower in his garden" - "There must have been something wrong"  - "Are you sure it was a miscarriage?" 

There are several others. The point in sharing this is that so we are mindful of what we say to those going through these things. Sometimes you just want a hug. Or a how are you? I wanted to be affirmed that I was going through something tough. "I love you" "Here if you need me" 

The best advice I can give is to just listen. This is a hard subject that people do not what to say or deal with. Sometimes people just want to be heard. Be available. Guess what we are not expecting you to fix it. So if some thing makes you cry while talking to me, cry with me. If you feel your heart hurting say, "My heart hurts for you" 
I appreciate the support and love that J and I have received from family and friends. We could not have made it through this struggle with out that. 
Most of all I'm thankful to God for his strength and mercy. Most of all his joy. 

My prayers are with those who are still struggling and walking this journey of infertility. My heart hurts for you. If you need me I'm here. 

Aunt LaLa

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Am I a Safe Place?


I was struggling with some doubts and fears. It started so innocently just as casual as opening a little door to my heart.

Then as the weeks progressed and I kept the fears and thoughts to my self, the bigger and harder to handle they became.

One particular day I was trying to just read my devotional and it was like a tidal wave of attack came upon my mind.

I believe that we fight an invisible war, sometimes we see the outcomes of this war and sometimes we may not know what we were just protected from or praying against.

 Scripture tells us
12 For our struggle is not against enemies of blood and flesh, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 6:12)
10 The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. (John 10:10)
As I was fighting this battle in my mind, I cried out to God. To give me peace and strength. By the blood of Christ I have authority over the enemy and his devices.

I felt God's strength come upon me and a peace. The battle was still raging. However I pressed on...

A couple days passed. One night after doing our devotional I looked at Josh with tears pouring down my face and telling him this battle that I was fighting. I was afraid that I would disapoint him or hurt him in some way by sharing my heart.

But, you see, God has given me an amazing man who strives to be what God wants a spouse to be.

I shared my heart openly and was met with warmth and understanding. Hugs and encouraging words. He prayed for me. 

The next day I began thinking about how better I felt and the weight was lifted. Wondering why I didn't talk to him sooner? But, there was this fear of hurting J and making him disapointed. Without cause, mind you, I felt this way. Eventually this would have caused a wedge between us. 

God just spoke to my heart. I thought about these wive or husbands who do not have that safe place with their spouse. They do not have that security of complete unconditional love and acceptance. 

I started questioning myself... Am I a safe place? 
As a wife?

As a friend?
As a daughter?

and so on... 

Imagine how relationships would improve if we were a SAFE PLACE for our spouse and loved ones? 

Those who may not have that right now in their lives there is ALWAYS a safe place in God's arms. He never leaves us. Even though we may but right in the middle of the storm not knowing what to do, feel, or think... he is there. He knows what to do! 

I hope this encourages and challenges you. Let's work on ourselves, to be better spouses, friends, mentors, family... most of more pleasing to God with our character. 

Aunt LaLa

Monday, April 7, 2014

First-Time Mom: Pregnancy, what they didn't tell me

I have a little miracle inside of me, a little precious baby that will have a perfect mix of J and I.... I cannot wait to hug our child and to kiss its sweet little face! My heart was bursting at seeing our child's profile and seeing their mouth opening and closing. Oh my heart!!

In saying that, this post may be TMI, just warning you. It may be embarrassing but...

I was "warned" you could say. Women told me there would be exhaustion, nauseousness, hormones...

And I listened. But I guess I cannot blame them for not being able to put into words the extreme side of these things.

Hormones- They said you are emotional, you sometimes want to just punch your hubby, then there are sometimes that all you want to do is be hugged and held. I have never felt so crazy...ever. I remember being told that it is like PMS but worse. Worse? It is so crazy that I would not even compare it with PMS! WOWZER!

It felt like I was on a roller coaster! A fast, twisty, upside down coaster... There have been moments where I'm bursting at the seams with happiness and I'm SO preoccupied with thinking about Baby L. Which actually I feel often. Then... I'm crying. I'm not talking about a little tear here and there, we are talking FULL FLEDGED UGLY CRY!  This has happened very often!

Then there is pregnancy rage! An anger and irritation that you cannot control. This one is the most bothersome to me. Seriously, I'm not an angry person... but lately I'm realizing how annoying people can be! LOL Then I cry because I feel so bad... Sounds so fun right?

Exhaustion- I have not felt like walking from the couch to the bathroom! No kidding, at times getting gas for the car seems like the most insane tiring task of my life. Falling asleep and taking naps all the time. My house... a disaster zone. Then add school, I have never wanted to NOT write a paper or presentation so bad than these last couple months. My poor cohort have heard my complaints... My famous saying "I just don't care" This coming from an overachiever!

Nausea-  Think about a stomach bug that was so bad you thought it would  never end.. times that about 1000.... then you have what I was feeling. It woke me up in the middle of the night. Now I'm thankful, SOO thankful I never got sick. Yes, Nausea was BAD! Waking up thinking that my stomach will never feel the same is not fun. I really feel for the women who suffer from morning sickness, which by the way can come at ANYTIME not just the morning.

Ready for the TMI??

Gas, no one, I mean NO ONE told me how horrible my gas would be. We store oxygen in our muscles, and when you are pregnant your muscles start to relax therefore releasing horrible gas. I have been so embarrassed! HAHA! It hurts too, it gets stuck and oh that is not fun!

Constipation- This one is bad. I've heard worse stories so I'm thankful I haven't suffered much. But your running out of room in your stomach so you feel full and bloated... but you can't seem to DOODOO anything about it. Oh yes the fun times!

I know your thinking WOW that sounds horrible! Why would I want to be pregnant... even though there is truth in all this nothing compares to the joy of being pregnant. I promise.

All of the sudden you start seeing your body change. Breast get bigger, your belly starts changing... Oh my goodness. I am AMAZED at how our bodies naturally just change and know what to do to include and grow a life in your body. There is a HUMAN BEING in you, a soul growing inside you. 

Then you feel your baby. You feel something inside of you moving. A flutter, butterflies, it is just indescribable!

To see your baby move its arms and turn over on a ultrasound at just 12.6 weeks! Or opening and closing its mouth. Even though I'm having a little fun and wanting others to feel they are not alone in this pregnancy discomforts, I'm completely in-love and thankful for my child. I would take all these things over and over.

When you suffer from infertility then you get pregnant, there is this pressure not to be honest about the feeling down, overwhelmed, tired, or saying  "Pregnancy is HARD"

Guess what? This doesn't mean I'm less thankful or I love my baby less because I say "Pregnancy is HARD" but I also say "Pregnancy is a beautiful and MIRACULOUS event"

So any pregnancy stories you want to share? Or what were/are your experiences?

Comment below or on facebook :)

Aunt LaLa

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

13 Weeks and going STRONG!

So... even though I'm not extremely showing I want to document every bit of this experience! I LOVE being pregnant! (PS. Don't get excited I only used blue font on the picture because it shows up really well... we STILL don't know the sex yet.)

Do you not just LOVE that little arm! It waved and waved at us at the ultrasound! We even got to see Baby open and closing it's mouth. I've never been so amazed. What a beautiful life that is growing in me. God is so amazing! And faithful, and I'm so so so thankful! 
I'm in my second trimester. Baby L is doing really well. Measuring on target. Actually it is measuring 3 days ahead. 

The first trimester was a roller coaster.. and to be honest this weeks has not been any different. More about that in the next post.

J and I are so excited and can hardly talk about anything else. Our little miracle is growing and growing! 

I'm loving my bump! I love looking pregnant! Even though my body seriously is a transformer, I do love it! 

We find out if we are having a boy or girl on May 15TH!! Can't wait!