Monday, October 28, 2013


Unstable is how I feel.
Not in a I might harm myself or others...ok there is one person who I'm having a hard time being around. God and I are working on that.
Any way, I'll spare you details [not wanting to sound whiny] but every since God opened the doors for me to share our story it feels as if I have been in a battle. 

I'm weary.
I'm angry.
I'm worried.
I'm fearful.
I'm insecure.

However, I do serve a God who loves me and no, I don't understand all his ways and I'm certain they are far more complex than my mind can comprehend.

He is strong
He is calm
He is peace
He is LOVE
He is unchanged

Where I'm weak he is strong. 

I'm thankful for friends and family who are praying for us. We have decisions to make, changes to come and we need his guidance. 

Let's encourage one another, is there anything I can pray for you about? I would love to. Darkness is driven out by light. So let's spread CHRIST love and praise God for what he has done for us not being bogged down by what we THINK is best. 

Aunt LaLa

Monday, October 21, 2013

Hope's Balloon Release II

So October 15th (which was my 28th birthday) Josh woke me up with blueberry pancakes in bed singing me Happy Birthday! 

It was a sweet start to our day. 

After getting ready we headed to the park to set everything up and get started with our 2nd balloon release in honor of Hope. 

Unfortunately there were several disapointments that morning, it almost as if something was trying to work against what we were doing. 

I was really excited to Channel 8 pull up and I was interview again! I've been trying to get my hands on that video, so pray I can. It was aired but I did not know that it would be. So hopefully I can see it. The reporter actually got footage of us praying and the balloons being released. 

It was an emotional day, very emotional. It was my honor to release balloons in honor of Hope and all the babies we are grieving for.

I'm thinking next year that we will try and have a release on the weekend before or after the 15th. That way more are available to come. 

So here are some photos that were captured.

In Memory of Faith

In Memory of Ashton, my nephew.

In memory of my tiny cousin Owen

In Memory of a precious little princess Mattie

In Memory of our precious baby Hope

Me being interviewed

Add caption

W e love you our sweet babies.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Hope's Balloon Release

Tomorrow is the day. Hope's 2nd annual balloon release.
The day we remember all the babies lost. Ones we have got to hold, carry, love, even the ones we didn't get to meet face to face. 
They are all equally important and missed. 

I wrote an article for Happy Wives Club titled Happy With My Family of Two

God knew excatly when this needed to be published what wife/women needed to read it. Infertility, loss, PCOS are HARD journey's to take. 

Last year I fought hard to enjoy life again, very hard. I had to make a choice and this article talks a little about that. I had to embrace our family of two. 

Just to clarify, J and I are completely open to adoption or what ever avenue God sees fit to give us a child. This article was not saying I'm just excepting no children... ever. I am saying I am not going to stay in that place of want-desperation-depression-anger-jealousy- and so on. What quality of life would that be? 

My heart aches everyday for my baby, but I've decided to do something active. To advocate for women who have lost their babies, who struggle with infertility, who have PCOS. 

Tomorrow will be an interesting day. It is my birthday, I will be 28. However most importantly I get to honor these babies and I can not wait. I am excited because I get the opportunity to express my love for Hope and honor her life as short as it was. 

If you have a name you would like me to write on a balloon and release it for you please comment here or email me at auntlala25 (at) gmail. I would be honored to do that for you. 

Please keep us in your prayers tomorrow. It will be an emotional day. And pray that the women who come start on their journey of healing. 

Aunt LaLa

Thursday, October 10, 2013

WVLT Interview

So at 5:45 J and I pulled ourselves out of bed and waiting anxiously for my interview to be shown!

Then there it was, I have to be honest I was nervous, excited, and even though I'm celebrating Hope my heart was hurting.

I'm so thankful for the support I recieve from my husband, family, and friends. I pray that the 15th at the balloon release there will be peace and a step toward healing for other women.

I feel many mixed emotions right now! One of them is excited, I know God opened this door and I cannot wait to see what he is going to do in Josh and I's lives.

Here is to my sweet baby, I love you Hope with all my heart.

In the video I show my heart. This heart is from A Heart to Hold. They are an amazing organization. Their mission is:
To offer comfort to families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss by creating and sharing the gift of a weighted handmade heart.
I love my heart and it stays close to me. I'm so grateful to have recieved it. 
The certificate I show is from The Shrine of The Holy Innocence. I took this from their website:
Often children who have died before birth have no grave or headstone, and sometimes not even a name. At The Church of The Holy Innocents, we invite you to name your child(ren) and to have the opportunity to have your baby's name inscribed in our "BOOK OF LIFE". Here, a candle is always lit in their memory. All day long people stop to pray. On the first Monday of every month, our 12:15pm Mass is celebrated in honor of these children and for the comfort of their families
Hope's certificate sits in our house where I can see it everyday. 

What a roller coaster of emotions today.... 
Love Aunt LaLa

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Moving Forward

Finished my interview this morning! It will be aired tomorrow morning in the 6am hour on WVLT Local 8 news. I will make sure to post the link on here and on my Facebook page as well.

What a journey that God has taken us on. When I wrote the First post about Hope, it was such difficult day.

I've went back and read that post and remember the paralyzing grief I felt. There are no right words to express my gratefulness that I can now function, and the pain does not take my breath away everyday.

I can be honest in saying that almost a year and 1/2 later my heart is still hurting. I am not sure you ever stop hurting but as cliche as it sounds time does heal. It is OK that I have good and bad days... grief is like that. It can hit you all at once and not even see it coming. Then there are days like today where I feel empowered because of what I have been through. I want help others process all of this, and be able to learn myself through others.

I am so incrediably grateful to be able to share our story in this interview and most of all raise awareness for these precious babies that we have lost. I'm excited to be able to release balloons in honor of our children that we all miss and grieve. 

One of the questions I was asked today that no one has ever asked me. 

Will I continue to participate in Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness and honor Hope when we have other children?

My answer is yes. I think that in this season of my life I'm going to be able to use this platform to help others deal with the grief and trauma that can in-fact cripple you. When we have other children I am not sure what that will look like for that season but I will never stop standing behind this cause.

For the rest of my days on earth I will celebrate our Hope until I meet her in Heaven and love on her. My heart aches for that day. 

This has molded me. I am not the same women I was last year, actually I am not the same women I was in January.

I am excited to see what the Lord has in store! You just never know... 

I am moving forward with what the Lord ask me to do. Josh and I are willing vessels and want to be where God puts us.

Our balloon release will be at:
Adair Park
1807 Adair Drive
Knoxville TN 

We will begin at 12pm October 15th

If you would like to attend, we would be honored to have you. Please bring your balloon that you would like to release. I will have markers to write on the balloons if you wish. 

Here are the links that I mention in the interview

Aunt LaLa

Friday, October 4, 2013

Wow Moments


What a day! I never in my dreams thought that God would open the door he did today!

First, there is nothing locally supporting Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month or any one doing something October 15th for the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day that I can find. 

So, J and I decided that we would put together a balloon release in honor of Hope. (If you are interested in attending or would like a balloon released in honor of a precious one then please feel free to email me auntlala25 at gmail - or comment) 

This morning I seen a post from a local news station trying to find out if there were any breast cancer awareness activities going on. I posted that this month was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month as well. She asked that I email her with more information about this. And I did. 

So WOW part is they want to interview me! I will be able to share our story and spread awareness!! How amazing is that!?? They will also share what time our balloon release is.

This scripture is one of my favorites. I have no idea what this is going to lead to, what doors will open, and most importantly what lives will be changed. As of right now I have only family joining me, but I'm hoping that others will come and hopefully find some hope and peace. 

More than anything I want God to get the glory for this and I want to see people reached. This is such a difficult thing to go through but I know that GOD is GOD and he has a plan. I may not understand it, some times I get angry... but as he reminded me several times this week... His ways are NOT my ways. 

With that please pray that I say what God would have me say and there are hearts mended through this. Even if it just one heart that finds peace with their loss it is worth it. 

Aunt LaLa

Thursday, October 3, 2013

I am 1 in 4

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. 

1 in 4 woman suffer with this pain and grief everyday. 

When we lost Hope, I truly thought I would die. It was my worst nightmare. 

I have had some really bad day and some really good days. 

Yesterday was a bad day, but today is a little better. 

I have clung to my faith through this and want to extend a crying shoulder, a listening ear that needs it. 

Honestly some days it seems that God has forgotten me, I know he hasn't because his word tells me he will never leave me... but it is some days I get down but he always gives me strength to move through. 

I needed and need people to recognize our Hope, she was real and we love her. 

I know I will always carry Hope with me.

No matter where I hear the word Hope I think of her. 

I'm going to have a balloon release again this year. It will not be as formal as last year and I'm hoping to work on a actual walk and service for next year. 

October 15th is the nationally recognized day for our babies!

If you have never watched the video please watch it. 

Click this link and click watch video. It needs to be viewed with Windows media player. 

Today I just wanted you to know I'm here, and I will not say I understand because all of our experiences are different but I can relate to the pain and grief. Do not be ashamed. Open up and start healing.

Aunt LaLa