Aunt LaLa

My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it? When I wrote No Answers  I was in a rough place. This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial. At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line. Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness. I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds. I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian.  A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind. We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved. A little child burned Children taken from their mother My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year.... My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed... We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby I know I am not ...

I felt like writing this post because as any one who has walked through grief knows that it is UP and DOWN  daily So today was an UP day for me.  Friday night was an ugly night. I was having a good day mostly. Very busy.  I had volunteered at our church's food pantry which I LOVE. I have not been able to because almost everyone in my family works.. so no babysitter.  Had to pick up my gorgeous niece and nephew from school.  But I started to get really sad. I had to tell two more people that we had lost our "little Bit"  Yesterday was two weeks since I had the D and C... it is not like I am trying to focus on dates it is just hard not for that thought of... Tuesday will be three weeks... three weeks since I seen my baby on the ultrasound... and so on. And it was the same with Hope. Those first, the holidays, the milestones.  So last night I was cooking... and I just broke. Ugly, gut wrenching, bending over crying. Trying to h...

I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis. On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions. We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone. But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook. I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks. So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray. Saturday 10/15 my birthday My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited. So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat.  As soon as I seen the sac, I knew.  The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger.  I felt a rush of anxiousness.  I knew, I just knew.  Josh s...

Not really the first post I wanted to write after Thanksgiving, but it is on my heart. It is so upsetting that again we are watching a shooting at a school in Colorado.  I just do not understand what is going on and why? I know there are several opinions politically and otherwise of the reasons.  I cannot stop thinking about the shooter today who was a student. I hate what he did, I hate that his actions wounded two other students, I hate that his actions caused these parents and students to experience such a tragedy...  But I DO NOT hate the shooter. What was going through his mind? Why did he do this? What was he thinking right before he took his own life?  My stomach is sick, sick with the thoughts of the shooters family and his friends... or anyone who has contact with him... thinking what could I have done? Did I do enough?  It is just sickening...  I read on a local news station on Facebook that when they announced that the sh...

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  1 in 4 woman suffer with this pain and grief everyday.  When we lost Hope, I truly thought I would die. It was my worst nightmare.  I have had some really bad day and some really good days.  Yesterday was a bad day, but today is a little better.  I have clung to my faith through this and want to extend a crying shoulder, a listening ear that needs it.  Honestly some days it seems that God has forgotten me, I know he hasn't because his word tells me he will never leave me... but it is some days I get down but he always gives me strength to move through.  I needed and need people to recognize our Hope, she was real and we love her.  I know I will always carry Hope with me. No matter where I hear the word Hope I think of her.  I'm going to have a balloon release again this year. It will not be as formal as last year and I'm hoping to work on a actual wal...

Sometimes I want to fix. I want the people I love to do the right thing. I want them to love like I do. I want to protect them from themselves. I want them to have the love for God I do. I want.... I want....  I exhaust myself in "I want" I've been reading this book by Joyce Meyer. "The Battle Belongs to the Lord" I am only chapter two and God is really showing things to me. For one, I can not change people, circumstance, situations, events.... I am NOT God. And I exhaust my self trying to figure out "What can I DO?" I am a person of action. I want results. I hate sitting and waiting. I'll be honest in saying I am  not the most patient person. When J and I face a challenge my mind immiediatley starts to try and figure out what can I do. When I see my family suffering or making wrong choices I want to guide them and give advice. When I am having a bad day, feeling sad, disapointed... whatever... I immideiatley think "How can I ge...

I'm not going to lie and say that I have had the best attitude or mind frame these last few weeks. Losing our baby last year hit me really hard over the Holidays. I realized there would be some difficulty but nothing like I experienced. I was talking to my best bud, we were talking about some different things we were both working through. We were talking about my grief just hits me at random. Sometimes just a little and sometimes it knocks me down. I told her, for everyone around me our miscarriage was an event and everyone moves on with their life. But for me... its still there. My heart is still broken. I'm not at all expecting people to know or understand where I am in this journey or am I upset because they have moved on. I have had some of the most amazing friends gather around me and pray for me. Talk to me and listen. Honestly, I'm not sure when this will stop. Or when I'll be "OK". I know that I will never be the same. It changed me forever. I ...

There is a song by Jo Dee Messina "Bring on the rain".... Yesterday my heart ached for our baby so desperately. I first started my morning with a professor who is about as far as I would be right now with our precious one. Then something was mentioned about Sunday being a baby dedication for our dear friends. I was fine until Praise and Worship last night. I think because when I worship its with my heart and soul. Of course it opens yourself up emotionally and thats when the dam broke. I was just hit with a wall of pain. So painful I could hardly breathe. At one point I was crying so hard I fought the temptation just to RUN! I just kept pouring my heart out to Jesus and at times just listening. Grief is a funny thing. You think your ok and your healing... then BAM.. My heart is broke. I miss our baby so much that at times I can't think. I am healing. And I am making it.But last night was one of those nights I just wish I had my baby. I want to cuddle her. Kis...