Friday, October 28, 2016

And it goes on

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to.


Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way. 


Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before. 


Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard. 


Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things. 


Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me. 


My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression. 


All with in a months time I found out I was pregnant and lost Little Bit before we were able to hear its precious heart beat. 


Frankly, I get really frustrated easy. I know the root is the unfairness of having to suffer this a second time. 


Unfortunately I am a fixer. So I spend energy trying to unpack my apartment or work on a project. Reading. Anything to fix my heart. 


But the thing about grief is there is no "fix" 


You cannot go around, over, under, around... you have to walk right through this painful valley of grief. 


Loss is not easy, and I feel like sometimes I am drowning. 


I am clinging to the knowledge that my family and friends are praying for me. 


A week ago today I had my D and C.


I HATE typing that. It really makes me feel angry and want to go punch something (I think I maybe in the anger phase of grief) 


My Dr. was pleased with how well everything went. She does not think that there is anything major going on , but is leaving it up to me to do further testing. 


I am just not there right now. 


Right now I want not to be sad, right now I want to see Ethan's baby things and not remember Josh and I talking about what we were keeping for this baby. 


I don't want to see my husband hurting and upset. Or remember the look on his face when I told him why the ultrasound was going to get the Dr. 


I want to be pregnant with our little baby. 


Grief is so ugly... so maybe you think I should not share so much....or wonder why I do? 


I will tell you. 


Isolation is the enemy's favorite weapon. He comes to steal kill and destroy. 


Frankly I have been down that road. When we lost Hope I was lost in the deep depression and lonely walk of grief. 


I have shared about my choice one day to live. Live for what I had been blessed with. 


So everyday, sometimes moment to moment I choose to live. Live for my son. Live for my husband. Live for my self. But most important and as unhappy I am with having to go through losing another baby... I choose to live for God. 


I do not understand why I am going through this again. I wish it was not happening. 


I know if I am going to heal and be joyful, and continue to breathe... I need God. 


To be completely honest my heart is hurting.


I will be okay.


I will make it through this.


Maybe no one wants to read my story and maybe I am only writing to help me process everything... but this blog is here for a reason.


I hope in the near future you will see a happier post, but if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I cannot just pretend. This is me. This is real.


All my love,


Tuesday, October 18, 2016

I did not want to write this...again

I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis.

On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions.






We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone.

But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook.

I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks.

So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray.
Saturday 10/15 my birthday

My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited.












So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat. 

As soon as I seen the sac, I knew. 

The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger. 

I felt a rush of anxiousness. 

I knew, I just knew. 

Josh sat there held my hand. 

We both were in shock. 

Our "Little Bit" was gone

I just don't have words to say, and right now I am just wanting this next week to be over with. 

So we now have two precious ones in Heaven waiting. 

I don't have answers, and I don't understand. 

I have these pictures to remember our baby by

I am Angry. Disgusted. Sad. Anxious. All emotions that were covered at the workshops that were at a Women's Retreat I went on two weeks ago. 

That retreat brought healing and freedom to me. I do not want to lose that. I am not the same woman I was four years ago. And I know that no one grieves the same way... 

I am not sure what this journey will bring. But I do know I don't want to stay here. I don't want to return to that dark dark place. 


It is ironic how I just wrote about making a choice to live or die in these places of anguish and hurt? 


I do not think it was any coincidence that I wrote that just a few days ago... I wrote it for me. I was going to the woman that read that post. Because I needed to be reminded. I have choice. 

Yes, your right I have Ethan. You better believe when I seen him today after the Dr. I held him and I cried. I held him so tight. 

I was reminded today that he is my living, breathing, walking miracle. 

No, I don't know if I will try again...no I don't know what the cause was. Right now I can not make those decisions or finish those thoughts. 

All I know is my stomach is sick, and my heart hurts. I want to run away from this and not have to face it. 

Please pray for us. Because right now Josh and I need it. This is hard. Tough. Sad. Unfair. 

I don't know what else to add... besides I know I will be okay. I know even though I am confused and can not see the future or why I am going through this... but God is with me. He has been preparing me for this through small things. I know his presence is with me.

Even through this I will proclaim him faithful. 

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I will have a D & C sometime this week/early next week. So please pray that all goes well, I've only had one major medical procedure and that was my Cesarean. 








Friday, October 14, 2016

HOPE

*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) .

As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out.

I just cried. Cried hard.

My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time.

I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh.

Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches.

Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.

1 in 4 women share the same scar I have.

Each of us have a story. Some of us were able to have our rainbow babies, some never did. Some clung to the children they had already been blessed with. Some delivered their babies, but did not get to take them home.

No matter the story we all share a loss... a loss of a dream we once had. You grieve your baby. No matter size from weeks to infant. It is a traumatic loss.

When I had Ethan, God healed my heart. He gave me my miracle that I thought I would never have.

Remembering all of our babies, we love you and miss you
I never thought my story would help others, it did not occur to me on May 15, 2012 that God was building a testimony.

But he was and is still doing.

I wrote before how I had a choice, a choice to stay in my pit of despair, anger, depression, grief...or I could choose  to live. To really live.

I chose to live, and to share my story.

My heart breaks for my friends and any woman who is suffering from infertility... not only infertility but loss. Oh that pain that you feel.

That journey can be a lonely and dark one.

or

You could make the choice (not an easy one) to live.

It was not easy. I won't pretend that it was a short journey to find my freedom. But it came.

I started to be a better wife, friend, and woman of God.

God does not expect us not to hurt from what we went through. Those scars are meant for us to draw from so that we are able to help others.

To use our testimony to give others hope, encouragement, and for them to know "You are not alone"

No, I have not forgot about my precious little one that got to be with Jesus before me...but I will use her short life to reach others for the Glory of God.

I love you, yes you, the one who is crying with me reading this. I am sorry you are hurting. And I am praying for you.




OXOX, Lauren




News Interview

Hope's Balloon Release #1

Hope's Balloon Release #2


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Chill Out

Whew. Our world, society, and the issues around us have me spinning. Until a few days ago really trying to grasp on to something steady.

My little world is most certainly being effected. I'm seeing family members of my blood relatives and my Christian family standing on opposing sides. Both sides making valid points. Our media fueling the tearing down of any unity we have. Red, yellow, black, white, blue.... Hilary or Trump.

Frankly it is too much. In my own personal opinion Facebook is becoming a breading ground for hurt, disapointment, and anger. A place where we can freely feel brave behind a computer and bash something or somebody without thought of "I'm going to see this person face to face tomorrow"


The hypocrisy of our leaders or future leaders makes me sick.

What can I do? I'm a Geargia preach that is now an East Tennessean. A SAHM. No political background. No platform (so to speak).

But I have this blog, I have my faith.

To be completely honest with you this world scares me. The fear of no control to stop this world becoming darker and darker. Less morals. Less respect.

Those feelings could overwhelm me, you, anyone...

But... BUT

I serve a great big God! A God who is greater than any election.

I serve a God who raises people from the dead. A God who heals. A God who opens wombs. A God who promises me hope and an eternal life with him.

A God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Nothing comes as a surprise to God.

I know I can rest in him!

No matter the circumstance, and I have faced some dark times, his words ring true in my heart

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. -1 John 4:4


The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalms 27:1


Rest easy my friends! God has got us! 

And above all remember what the word says 

Love God with all your heart, strength, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. (Luke 10:27)