Tuesday, October 21, 2014

First time Mom: Exhaustion

I have been around babies and taking care of them from a very young age but there is just something different when it is your own. There is no "off day", no ending to the shift. 

When we came home from the hospital I was so excited and glad to just have my baby at home. So we were now on our own... no nurses and no doctors. Just my boy and I. J had to come pick us up and then return to work unfortunately. So Ethan and I were on our own... it was the best feeling ever. 

I was asked if I wanted anyone with me, or was I nervous... the answer to both was no. I honestly could not wait to get by myself with my new little boy. 

I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I knew that I was still recovering from surgery. I knew that Josh would be at work all day and I would be the main care taker of Ethan. Oh and do not forget hormones. 

Even though I knew that, I gained a whole different understanding of exhaustion. And I gained a whole new respect of my body. 

There was one night in the last 2 1/2 weeks (don't ask me when I'm too tired to remember) that little man was having some gas issues and was just crying so much. I had given him medicine and was rocking him, Josh was asleep and I knew he needed to be because he had to work... then it happened. Ethan and I both were crying. 

I can laugh about what a pitiful sight we were. But at the moment, I was exhausted... yet as my body wanted to just collapse I found the strength to get back up and walk around the house bouncing little man. Then when he finally passed his gas and had a dirty diaper too (yes I get excited about this, better out than in I tell ya) ...

I laid my little boy that had stopped crying on his changing table and he was just staring up at me. I had stopped crying too. He looked in my eyes and just sighed. It was a sigh of relief.. like "OK mom we made it!" I had to just smile, pick him up and give a billion+ kisses on his cute cheeks. 

At that moment I was still exhausted, but it was the best exhausted I had ever felt. 

Aunt LaLa

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

So many emotions

I have to remind myself that it is OK to feel what I feel... I've been told to give myself permission to just feel the way I do. There is no wrong or right...

I just re-read the blog from last year at the second balloon release for Hope and the other angel babies. My heart feels so overwhelmed with so many emotions.

Tomorrow is my birthday... I will be 29. I'm sitting right next to a miracle. A real, tangible, breathing miracle.

Ethan was not expected to have ever be... then when he was born it was almost as if we were going to lose him before we get to hold him...

I do not think I could ever explain the range of emotions I felt the 18 days he was in the hospital. The exhaustion I felt... the anger, hurt, sadness, grief, and absolute joy of being a mother to this beautiful creation!

Sometimes we are hardest critics... we compare ourselves to other people or to something that is intangible. Talking to a friend today I was reminded that we have such pre-notions of what we "should" be or who God is or expects us to be. I have never felt so desperate for God's mercy and grace in all my life than I have in this season.

He gave it. He was there, when I felt guilty for being angry and feeling this was all so unfair to have my miracle baby boy in the NICU and suffering.. it was unfair that I had to leave him EVERY night...

But each and every day God somehow showed me he loved me. Whether it was a kind words from the nurses or a text message. One time it was a random post on facebook. I have had people reach out to me to encourage me.. every single moment God was with me.

And he was with my baby boy. Each and every time the Dr's gave us the stats of how long or how hard something was going to be my God displayed his Glory by healing Ethan every day and showing the Dr's that Ethan Alexander is NO statistic.

I celebrate life tomorrow. Life after death. Life after trauma. Life after loss. Life with God. Life with my sweet boy. Life with my husband.

I'm thankful to God that he has been with me and given me strength, peace, joy, and healing.

I celebrate the lives that I know my friends and family will be missing tomorrow... and miss every day.

We love you Owen, Mattie, Ashton, and Hope. And to all the other babies who we met or did not meet we love you!

My prayers to all those are feeling grief from miscarriage, infant death, still born, or infertility. Sending you a big hug. God's peace, strength, and joy be with you.

Aunt LaLa

Friday, October 3, 2014


Ethan Alexander
10 lbs. 10 oz
Going home outfit! Mommy is happy!

First day without any tubes! Love that face!

Ethan and mommies first selfie!

Daddy finally gets to hold me for the first time!

Mommy meeting Ethan for the first time
Waiting on Daddy, we are going home!!

I know you probably thought I have fell off the face of the earth but actually I was just baking a baby and actually having him! He was born on the 15th of September at 37 weeks. From birth he had several problems and we have been in the NICU for almost 3 weeks. 

I have so much I need to write.. but tonight I shall enjoy having my baby home for the first time. 

I'm completely in love with my little boy! The Lord be praised for him and healing his body!!