Aunt LaLa

Whew!! That was ROUGH! Our sweet girl is about to be nine months (insert momma crying hysterically)... Literally the day she turned six months it felt like the sun came out and the fog moved away. Like taking a breath of fresh air. Like a days and days of cold, cold rain. Then you wake up because the SUN is shining in your face, the clouds moved on. My FOG was gone!! You know I have heard so many times that each pregnancy is different. And it was. I've been told each delivery is different. And it was. But for whatever reason I never thought about postpartum being different. I prepared myself mentally and emotionally (I wrote about my postpartum depression  HERE ). I talked to my Dr. about it. I was READY! Well... I WAS NOT ready (Face ---> Palm) Josh and I talked about warning signs and what our plan was. We talked about how we were going to transition in our relationship and how we were going to handle Ethan's jealous...

I am one of the 15% of women that has been diagnosed with postpartum depression. Over the last few years there have been  some very hard seasons of life. One of those hard seasons was infertility which was a hot topic here on the blog. We lost our baby, Hope. After four years of trying to get pregnant it happened! We conceived without any help of medicine... our miracle baby. The pregnancy was pretty uneventful. Worked hard on keeping my sugar levels down. I just thought finally, I get my hearts desire. Ethan had been growing very fast. At my 36 week ultrasound they were saying he was close to 11lbs. On September 14th in the evening Ethan wasn't moving much. It had me very  worried. The next morning I was scheduled to be checked again because of his rapid growth. At the ultrasound Ethan was not moving but his heartbeat was strong. Long story short emergency cesarean, Ethan went to NICU for 3 weeks. I did not get to hold him until he was a week old. I h...

Life is full of things you can never prepare for. We all make plans, goals, dream about the future... In reality, we do not know what is going to happen tomorrow or in the next moment. When the enemy drags us down and keep us in the dark places of bitterness, anger, discontent, depression, grief, negativity... we miss out. We miss out on laughs and good times because we are so consumed with our junk. Do we really want to live like that? I do not. But have you ever noticed how easy it is to get to that place and stay there? How it is so hard to get back that happiness? Ever sat down and thought about that? Maybe I am a different breed (smile) but I think a lot. I'm super aware of my decisions and emotions. Most of the time that is not a bad thing, but when I allow myself to get in those previous mentioned dark places it is certainly NOT a good thing. There has been so many words of wisdom I've heard over the weekend.  Through other women and through the Holy Spir...

Unstable is how I feel. Not in a I might harm myself or others...ok there is one person who I'm having a hard time being around. God and I are working on that. Any way, I'll spare you details [not wanting to sound whiny] but every since God opened the doors for me to share our story it feels as if I have been in a battle.  I'm weary. I'm angry. I'm worried. I'm fearful. I'm insecure. However, I do serve a God who loves me and no, I don't understand all his ways and I'm certain they are far more complex than my mind can comprehend. He is strong He is calm He is peace He is LOVE He is unchanged Where I'm weak he is strong.  I'm thankful for friends and family who are praying for us. We have decisions to make, changes to come and we need his guidance.  Let's encourage one another, is there anything I can pray for you about? I would love to. Darkness is driven out by light. So let's spread CHRI...

From a young age behind my smile was a very anxious, shy, not a very confident person. I was so insecure about myself that I never wanted to talk in front of others except for children. There were some struggles for me as a teenager. I was one of those kids who from a young age followed Christ. My moral compass was extremely high for a young person. Unfortunately the young people who were around me did not share my views, and the friends of mine that did lived in another state. Being an outcast or unaccepted by your peers can leave a damaging affect. Middle school I was made fun of often. Youth group at church was no better as I entered my later teen years. I was OK for a shoulder to cry on or to gain advice. When one of my friends decided to bump up their morals for a time then I was fine to "hang" with.  This peer rejection stayed with me, and then I had my heart broken by someone for some of the same reasons. I was not willing to compromise  my beliefs or morals. At ...

Everyone of us has a past... The past molds us to who we are. This could be bad or good. We allow some things to dictate everything we do. I've seen this come in many forms. Fear Guilt Shame humbleness Compassion Awareness Pride Anger low-self esteem lack of self-efficacy  poor judge of character bad relationships bad choices over eating starving addictions bitterness Some of these are good some... not so much.... well the majority I've listed are from a nagetive point of view.  I read a quote today from a devotional posted by a friend "Your past is not your past if its effecting your present" This made me think. All of our past effect us in some way... But I think the person saying this was trying to make the point of you must not let your past effect your every move and define us. It molds us and we learn from our past. But how much of our negative experiences and pain do we carry with us all the time. What kind of burden are we c...

(From the Sound of Music... one of my favs) Today is my last day at a job that I have been at for a couple years. As this day was approaching I have wondered how I would feel. I feel bittersweet... I know that some may think I'm crazy... I'm just changing jobs. But I guess I should tell you why this is a BIG milestone in my life. You see, when I came to this job I had suffered a breakdown of sorts. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was living a life in a anxiety filled world. Let me tell you, if you don't have anxiety be so thankful. This disorder can be crippling. I was not able to work, I had to resign from a very good job. For 6 months I worked on getting better. I needed to work again, or we would lose everything. Josh and I prayed. Then I received a message from our Pastor saying they needed someone in the office and would I be interested. I wept. Because I knew that I could do this job. I would be around people I knew and that loved me. I would be close to ...

Yes, here it is again "Thoughtful Thursday" ... As I fight the feelings to blog in this day, I remind myself, 'Lauren, you started Thoughtful Thursday'... *Smile* Yes I know. But you see I am a master of  "Pushdownism". Yes, this condition is unlike any other. You see this particular condition is when someone who analyzes, is sensitive, carries everyone weight- they go about life with so much feeling and passion but try to push it down  because sometimes its just to hard to face those real emotions. This is dangerous you see because usually what happens is after taking care of EVERYONE else they don't deal with what has made them angry, upset, hurt, disappointed... the list goes on, this persons spouse notices and asks what wrong, that my friends is when the dam breaks... Well introducing the #1 lady with "Pushdownism"... ME!! Yes, I suffer from this. One of the prayers I pray often is that God would help me love like him, let my actions ...