Monday, November 2, 2015

It was not supposed to be this way

I am one of the 15% of women that has been diagnosed with postpartum depression.

Over the last few years there have been  some very hard seasons of life.

One of those hard seasons was infertility which was a hot topic here on the blog.

We lost our baby, Hope.

After four years of trying to get pregnant it happened! We conceived without any help of medicine... our miracle baby.

The pregnancy was pretty uneventful. Worked hard on keeping my sugar levels down.

I just thought finally, I get my hearts desire. Ethan had been growing very fast. At my 36 week ultrasound they were saying he was close to 11lbs. On September 14th in the evening Ethan wasn't moving much. It had me very  worried. The next morning I was scheduled to be checked again because of his rapid growth. At the ultrasound Ethan was not moving but his heartbeat was strong. Long story short emergency cesarean, Ethan went to NICU for 3 weeks. I did not get to hold him until he was a week old. I had to leave him every night. I felt so robbed, this was not supposed to happen this way.


Fist time I held Ethan
Hands down the most awful time in my life.

After Ethan was 8 weeks old I returned to work. It was so difficult. We had just finished moving unexpectedly. One of my dear friend passed away right before Ethan was born, it was just starting to settle in.

I started having anxiety attacks, I was not happy. I was only happy with Ethan. I felt so down. I could not function in my job adequately. I really only had energy to take care of Ethan and that was all I could handle.

When Ethan was born I had stopped counseling with my therapist simply because there was so much going on I was not able to find a good time.

After talking to Josh we decided I needed to talk to my Doctor and contact my therapist.

After talking to my doctor and therapist I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.

I was so frustrated with myself. When you become a mom its like as a women you put so much pressure on yourself.

Honestly I felt like a failure.

It was decided it was best for me to take some time off work and concentrate on getting better and be a good mommy to E. (Just a side note I was also put on two different medications to combat this)

After a few therapy sessions and much prayer I started to get stronger. I realized I do not have to explain myself if I cannot, I do not have to be super women. My job was only to be the best mommy I could be, by working on myself I was doing that. I learned to be kind to myself. I had went through something traumatic, it was okay to feel the way I felt.

I have not really shared my struggle. Or how depressed I was. It has been a very personal time of growth. Emotionally and spiritually.

But I am not ashamed or embarrassed. God has used these trails to further my testimony and hopefully help someone else.

God is faithful, I have never felt more strong and free from the past then I do now.
On my 30th birthday 
Listen, do not let the enemy keep you isolated. You are not alone. Even if your dealing with depression or anxiety...do not be ashamed. Talk to some one. Don't fight it alone.

Sorry this post is so long, but I wanted to share my story.

And continue to keep things real. As always I'm here if you need prayer or to talk. Shoot me an email auntlala25 at Gmail.

For more information on postpartum depression go to http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml

4 comments:

  1. I know that I had depression, albeit circumstances were not the best when I had you. I felt like a failure too. My mom was such a wonderful mom, that I just knew I could never be that good. Then I had a baby 13 months after you were born and I almost died. I prayed that God would give me the chance to be you and Ricky's mommy and help raise Kimberly. I didn't get any meds. I suffered quietly, I felt alone... So I am so happy you had some help. I am so proud of the person and mother that you are to my grandson, our little miracle baby. God always makes a way for us to gain understanding and regain our faith in ways that we don't realize until some time passes by. I had three little people leaning on me, counting on me, so God helped me through that part of my life. Do I still fill inadequate sometimes? Yes I do, but then I look back on what I went through and see that I was just enough to be a happy mom, a loving mom and able to get through it. Now I get to enjoy my grands, try to be the best memaw ever. I am proud of you for sharing, I always wanted to help others through times like us mommies have. You have succeeded. love to read your blogs baby girl. Mommy loves you.

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  2. What a brave thing to put this out there. More people should know that it's okay to not be "perfect." Whatever that even means. You look so strong and happy in that photo. I wish you continued success in your recovery. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is so, so brave!

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  3. You don't have to be a super woman but from all I just read above you are one! Keep being you honey and I'm happy your blogging again!

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  4. I don't know if I can really say in words how much your whole story has meant to me as we both battled some pretty dark times together. You have been such an inspiration to me and have always been there to offer me support even though we don't actually know each other in real life. I know the seriousness of depression and am so glad you took care of yourself before it was too late. Having watched my biological mother battle depression her whole life and lose her two children because of it, I know the "dangers" are real. You are a beautiful and strong 30 year old woman, and an incredible wife and mother. The best years of your life are ahead of you! Love you!

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