Thursday, November 24, 2016

He knew what I needed

Happy Thanksgiving readers wherever you are.

As your reading this I'm celebrating with my family.

I said in my last post that I was working on a post about how God once again let me know "his eye is on the sparrow"

A couple weeks ago I was honored to fill in singing on our worship team. I love each opportunity that God gives me to use the gifts he has given me

Right before service started I stopped to talk to a young lady who often comes to our church. She had brought her newborn niece with her. Instantly I asked if I could hold her.

The moment that little girl was in my arms, something inside me broke. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of a wall grief had come crashing down.

In that instant I knew I wanted a baby again.

I want to hold our baby in my arms and cover her face with kisses.

This overwhelming feeling had me in tears... Struggling not to sob I headed to the stage and worshipped. I sang with all my heart.

After church I told Josh what I felt. We cried and held hands. Talked it out.

We decided that day we want to have another baby.

No matter how that happens. It may through adoption and it may be me becoming pregnant. All we know is that we want to continue this journey and one day give Ethan a sibling.

That day we met my in-laws for dinner at Cracker Barrel. After dinner we headed to the store part. As I'm looking one if the employees was stocking and I was looking these beautiful shirts (wishing I was a little richer)

The employees commented on how beautiful they were and I said something about wishing they were cheaper.

We began a conversation about her wanting to marry a man with money... She had been single for a number of years...that led us to talking about God's perfect timing.

She said that her son that she had given up for adoption found her five or so years ago after searching for her after thirteen years.
With big tears her eyes she looked at me and said, "God always works things out in his perfect timing"

I agreed with her, and said I've learned that many times.

She gave me a big hug, and I told her that we lost our baby and it's been so rough.
She had been there and said

"No matter big or small, 6 weeks to giving birth, that was your baby. He will work it, in his way his timing"

I walked away from that conversation feeling like God was saying "I see you, I hear you, your important to me"

I'm not a second thought to God! I'm important to him, I'm a priority to him.

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful that I'm a mommy to my baby boy. I'm thankful for my husband is such a great man. Dad. Husband.

I'm thankful that I have my grandfather still with us after a very hard year health wise. And thankful for my grandmother who has had to fight along side of him and be the caretaker.

I'm thankful for my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my aunt's and uncles, cousins...

I'm thankful for my church family

I'm thankful for my readers, your 
comments and messages keep me writing.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! ❤❤❤❤

Friday, November 18, 2016

What to say, what to say

Wow, what a crazy couple weeks.

I cannot even begin to tell you how my view of individuals have changed since the dreaded election.

Don't groan or roll your eyes this will not be a political post I have seen too many as you have.

My heart has hurt because of the hate, arguing, division...

Boy oh boy...

That's all I got to say about that... as Forest said.

I want to make a difference. I have been thinking a lot about what that means for me.

I have a college degree and I have passion. A passion to help people.

I have been working on a project that I am really excited about and I hope to be able to get it done... I  will tell let you know when I finish.

I am hoping that something comes of it.

Thanksgiving is next week! I cannot believe that.

We have our first play practice this Sunday and we are putting up our tree afterward.

The plan was to put it up before this, but we moved to the first floor of our apartment building.

For several reasons. But that is for another post. Let's just say some people move into apartments and have a problem with apartment noise.

Moving on...

Josh and I have talked about naming the baby and how to celebrate this little life we were happy to have apart of us, even if it was just for 6 weeks and 1 day.

My heart aches to still be pregnant.

This is a very random post... sorry.

I am working on the post to let you all know who were asking about how we plan to celebrate the baby and where we are going from here ... and to write about what God did for me a couple weeks ago. God knew I needed a little extra something.

Looking forward to celebrating the holidays and eating yummy food!

Here is a little peak at us making new memories and living life in the moment...
I love this man and that little man

I love his cuddles

E and Mommy at the Vday parade

Honoring Gramps for Veterans Day

Mommy and E in the leaves

Love ,


Saturday, November 5, 2016

Joy Comes in the Morning

I felt like writing this post because as any one who has walked through grief knows that it is UP and DOWN daily
So today was an UP day for me. 

Friday night was an ugly night. I was having a good day mostly. Very busy. 

I had volunteered at our church's food pantry which I LOVE. I have not been able to because almost everyone in my family works.. so no babysitter. 

Had to pick up my gorgeous niece and nephew from school. 

But I started to get really sad. I had to tell two more people that we had lost our "little Bit" 

Yesterday was two weeks since I had the D and C... it is not like I am trying to focus on dates it is just hard not for that thought of... Tuesday will be three weeks... three weeks since I seen my baby on the ultrasound... and so on. And it was the same with Hope. Those first, the holidays, the milestones. 

So last night I was cooking... and I just broke. Ugly, gut wrenching, bending over crying. Trying to hide it from E. 

My heart was just hurting and I was sad. Then not too long after I felt so sick. Weak, anxiety, stomach hurting... 

I promise I am getting to the happy part of this. 

I have an amazing group of women at my church. They are my dearest friends and my sisters. 

Through this I have felt their prayers and clung to their words of encouragement. 

J and I have really been hurting. 

But today I felt genuine happiness. 

We all planned a surprise for one my sweetest friends (Who by the way is just amazing... I call her my hippie friend... I love you Stacy)

We all surprised her at a local canvas painting class and went to lunch. 

It was hours of pure happiness. I laughed and laughed. Had great (adult) conversation. Spent a great time with my friends. 

It was one of the only times in the last two weeks I felt joyful

It was so needed... 

We may not even know what our presence and smile do for others. Do not get so consumed with your own junk, or get jealous if some one gets a special treat from their friends. Think how can you serve them. How can you help them. 

I posted this picture on facebook...and it has been my profile picture. Because it is such a true statement. And today reminded me how true it is.

Grief changes and it is a passage or journey.

So I am changing my profile picture to this...

Because today my eyes were not swollen from crying, I did not feel "empty", and I smiled. Really smiled from the inside out. 

For that I am so so thankful. 

Remember that scripture I shared last blog... 

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning - Psalms 30:5

So today there was joy in the morning

All my love,