Aunt LaLa

Look at this beautiful face. She is a miracle. This is the only time you will find her still- while she is asleep.  And she is a handful. Smile.  She is full of spunk and energy, she is so smart. She has has been going to sleep with this cute ABC book pop-up book. These past few weeks, her and I have been battling. She is headed toward the three year old mark, and frankly I feel like on some days she could be THE poster child for a text book "Threenager" When I say there has been more than one moment I've been brought to tears, I am being honest.  In fact just last week I sent Josh a text from the living room while he works in our bedroom... (while Esther was screaming like a wounded animal)  "She has defeated me" with a cute little white flag. Made a funny post about it on Facebook.  But in all honestly, I thought.... "Lord, help me. What am I going to do?" I remember going through a tough time with Ethan, but he was much different. Things that have a...

I was interviewed in October 2013 by WVLT when I organized a balloon release in memory of our sweet babies and to offer a place of healing for parents, family, and friends. Even though you may not hear that parent talk about their babies they lost, the thought of them is not far from their heart. I'm thankful for the healing God has done in my life and my heart. But I miss my two babies in Heaven terribly. I hold them dear to my heart. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month and the 15th is PAIL Day. So, Tuesday October 15th at 6:30pm, Josh and I will release balloons for our two sweet babies. Hope (May 2012) and Sarah (September 2016) If you are are local, your welcome to join us with your balloon. Or if you would like I will write your baby's name on a balloon to release. You can leave the name in the comments, or private message me. Know that if you are grieving your sweet baby, you are not alone. And having other children does not diminish your love for y...

What a season of trust that I have been walking through! I know these last few months I have been scarce, with good reason. I'm walking into the last part of my pregnancy. And this pregnancy has brought many trials and struggles that I did not have with my son. However the pregnancy has gone very well, and our new baby is going to be healthy. We are praying and believing that she will be healthier and have a non emergency C-section. I have been healthy, I have had to be on several medications that I was not on previously. I take several insulin injections a day, I am on hypertension medication, and other medicines. This pregnancy started out very emotional and alot of ups and downs. You can read about that here Here I am 34 weeks pregnant as I'm about to publish this post. We are having a sweet little girl... And I cannot wait. She moves all the time and I love it. I've had to rest and trust that she is going to be okay. We have dealt with many stressf...

My heart broke recently when I found out a dear friend passed away. She was in her early fifties. Fifties. This makes me so sad. Her funeral was one of the hardest I've ever been to, and unfortunately I've been to so many. When I was pregnant with E, I lost a dear friend. He was such a character and I enjoyed talking and laughing with him. And now I've lost another friend as a life is growing in me. Life is full of different seasons and one of those seasons is mourning. My heart hurts for her mother and father....and her son who is just twenty. I met my friend V almost nine years ago. Her son was apart of our very first Jr High youth group. She was our biggest fan, supporter, and encourager. She bought us supplies (pens, notepads, notebooks, highlighters, a shelving unit...tons of things to use)  just because she believed in those kids and loved us all. My favorite memory of her, one I will hold close to my heart forever, is when I lost Hope my heart was b...

Before I give you the challenge, let me give a back story. In 1997 there was a twelve year old girl who dreamed of her prince Charming. She had filled her little girl heart full of Disney princes... and their magic. Movie magic. Fast forward to 1999 she was now almost fourteen and attending a youth conference. They talked about all sorts of topics. The topic that caught her attention was the "Dating with Purpose" concept. Not every fourteen year old is preoccupied with who God wants them to marry. Or what God has to say about dating. She started writing in a journal to her future husband, after being inspired by a famous Christian artist. And started to pray over him. Whoever he was. But at that conference she made the choice to not date just anyone. She wanted to guard her heart. To only date someone who had the qualities of the husband she dreamed of. So she made a list, and prayed over it. Furthering her commitment to God and herself, not to kiss or be intimate wit...

I turned 32. As I do every year I look forward to my birthday. And I ponder. I think about my life the past year and if I have changed. Am I going into the new year different than the last? Have you noticed that I have an analytical mind? (smile) As I have gotten older, one question in particular has gotten louder in my head... Am I making a difference? If you hang around here you know Jesus is my number one passion. Followed by my husband and sweet little boy. But I am more than just a wife or a mother. I have to check in with myself every now and then to make sure that I'm being Mindful and doing what God has called me to do as my own person. Part of my calling is to be a wife, and a mother, but it is also a call to be in the ministry and to grow the kingdom of God. I want to make a difference. I want to have the kind of Legacy that when people look back on my life after I'm gone that they think "wow, God really showed in her ...

I am one in four. 15 - 20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a large number. Since June of 2016 our family has had to endure four miscarriages. One being my own. In my memories on Facebook I seen where I had posted and about the interview with Channel 8 here in East Tennessee. And I shared about the balloon release that we did in 2013. And I remember getting so much healing from both balloon releases that we did in honor of Hope, and all the other angels that we wrote on our balloons for the ones who could not be with us. And since I've had Ethan I have not been able to have a balloon release. The first year that I didn't was because Ethan was just out of the NICU and with the new baby, and being a new mom it was hectic and I was dealing with postpartum. Then the next year I was enjoying being a mom and honestly did not want to spend my birthday or my birthday month grieving.  Not that Hope was ever forgotten or...

I have been missing for sometime... but this summer has been INSANE. In my post "Why am I like this?" I mentioned that we had a crisis at the beginning of the Summer. Now, that we have moved past it and it is not so fresh I will share. J suddenly lost his job. As you may know I stay at home with Ethan, I love it! I get to really have the opportunity to invest in Ethan and be the one to teach him and instill his love for Jesus. So it was frightening to think I would lose this. J was applying and applying. He has so much experience and great work record. But nothing seemed to work out. Apprehensive does not exactly cover the emotions we were feeling. But, we serve a mighty God. And we claim to have faith. So our faith was put into action in a big way. As our heavenly father always does, he turned something we thought was the beginning of  the end into a Summer of fun and some learning too. I learned something over this last almost two years. To really t...

So, I hope you seen my live on Aunt LaLa's Facebook page. If you are have not been over there please do :) Like and Follow... The video went into where I have been... and why the hiatus from blogging. Last year was a rough one. J lost an uncle and 2 aunt's. We had a friendship severed. Just two weeks ago we were hit financially. In a very big way. My heart was broken when we lost Little Bit. J put it so accurately when he said that we were blindsided... We were in a mindset of this pregnancy would be tough like Ethan's but it would be okay. Losing the baby never entered our minds. We did not share the due date. On purpose. I really didn't think I could handle everyone knowing. Losing Hope was so different. Talking about it helped me. It helped me heal. It connected me to women, forged friendship... Losing Little Bit has been completely different. I felt more vulnerable, it has felt deeper somehow The most difficult part of this journey was t...

My post on here, my personal Facebook, my Instagram account almost never hold a rant.  There is this stigma that really gets under my skin.  I lost my baby at six weeks and one day. And I am grieving. It is hard. No that does not make my love any less for E.  No his everyday smiles does not some how magically erase my broken heart. (It sure helps me smile though) No I am not reveling in the past but mourning a child... that I already had dreamed of. Made plans for. Decided on a name if it was a girl.  No I am not being dramatic.  If you know me at all the desire to be a mother has been strong in my heart since childhood.  So to loose something you so desperately want is heartbreaking.  It does not take away from my faith, or mean I don't trust in God.  It does mean I am questioning and asking why?  It does mean that I get angry. And feel I have been dealt ...

I admire my cousin. She lost her husband last year. His birthday was this last month. In a post she wrote that she wasn't moving on but she was moving forward. Life continues, it doesn't stop for your crisis, grief, problems, delays... It just goes. It is really inconsiderate like that. I think one of the most difficult things to process for me this last season of my life was that very thing- moving forward. I dug my heels and refused to move until I was ready. Which trying to do that with a toddler that is one of my greatest joys in life is almost impossible. I felt guilt for not thinking of Little Bit...Or being happy. Then there are times when guilt comes because I have not "moved on" or "counted my blessings" This journey has been more difficult in some ways than losing Hope... And in someways it's been easier It hurts my heart that I have two babies in Heaven. Not just hurt... Its broken... But it's held together with love. ...

Happy Friday!! For the last 21 days I've been apart of a fast...  What is a fast?  Glad you asked... To me personally it means to set aside something that I enjoy. A sacrifice. In place of this thing replace it with prayer and time with God.  I feel it is like an extra "umph" to my prayers and petition with God. Like shooting a flare gun to Heaven... I am not a scholar and that my friend is the best I way I can explain it in layman's terms. It's not something to treat lightly...Or to get attention ( Jesus teaches against that in Matthew 6:5)  It's a personal thing between you and God.  At the first of every year of church does this fast together. And we see God move in such a mighty way. He honors our sacrifices.  But it's been painful too... At least for me.  As I replaced my idol time with time in the Bible and praying there were things in my spirit that were not pleasing to God. Certain things that had...

My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it? When I wrote No Answers  I was in a rough place. This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial. At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line. Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness. I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds. I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian.  A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind. We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved. A little child burned Children taken from their mother My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year.... My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed... We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby I know I am not ...

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby. At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh. We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant. We did. Then we lost our baby. I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life. Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too. I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying. I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard. We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO. I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him. Today while I was ...

Happy Thanksgiving readers wherever you are. As your reading this I'm celebrating with my family. I said in my last post that I was working on a post about how God once again let me know "his eye is on the sparrow" A couple weeks ago I was honored to fill in singing on our worship team. I love each opportunity that God gives me to use the gifts he has given me Right before service started I stopped to talk to a young lady who often comes to our church. She had brought her newborn niece with her. Instantly I asked if I could hold her. The moment that little girl was in my arms, something inside me broke. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of a wall grief had come crashing down. In that instant I knew I wanted a baby again. I want to hold our baby in my arms and cover her face with kisses. This overwhelming feeling had me in tears... Struggling not to sob I headed to the stage and worshipped. I sang with all my heart. After church I t...

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5 This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to. Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way.  Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before.  Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard.  Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things.  Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me.  My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression.  All wi...

Whew. Our world, society, and the issues around us have me spinning. Until a few days ago really trying to grasp on to something steady. My little world is most certainly being effected. I'm seeing family members of my blood relatives and my Christian family standing on opposing sides. Both sides making valid points. Our media fueling the tearing down of any unity we have. Red, yellow, black, white, blue.... Hilary or Trump. Frankly it is too much. In my own personal opinion Facebook is becoming a breading ground for hurt, disapointment, and anger. A place where we can freely feel brave behind a computer and bash something or somebody without thought of "I'm going to see this person face to face tomorrow" The hypocrisy of our leaders or future leaders makes me sick. What can I do? I'm a Geargia preach that is now an East Tennessean. A SAHM. No political background. No platform (so to speak). But I have this blog, I have my faith. To be completely hone...

Who will be the examples to my child, niece, and nephews in the future? I feel like in our government and sometimes in our daily lives the good men and woman are few and far between. The men/woman of integrity. Faith. Purpose. Drive. Love. Integrity to me is so important. It is what I looked for in a husband. A pastor. A friend.  Integrity the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. synonyms: honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness Look at those synonyms. How many people do you know that would meet that description? I do not know many. I often think what would people see me as? Am I making a difference for God? Am I representing Christ in a way that would make someone want to know what I have in my salvation, or am I just convincing them of what some of the world thin...