No Answers

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby.

At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh.

We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant.

We did. Then we lost our baby.

I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life.

Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too.

I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying.

I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard.

We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO.

I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him.

Today while I was fixing E breakfast I had a thought...

Why, if I was just going to lose Little Bit, did you want us to get pregnant again?

That made no sense to me.

I can honestly say over coming my anger has been difficult. I have really felt disgust.

I have no answers...

It does seem cruel to me.

I am just being honest.

Angry...hurt...bitter...broken...alone...

All feelings that I have tried so hard to battle....But God had his own lesson for me to learn and he taught me through our Christmas play at church...

I started this post before our Christmas play at church... and so this is just part one. I plan to post the second part to this on Christmas Eve.

Please read it. I know that God has all this interwoven together for a reason.

Before I end this I am going to leave you with this scripture... a scripture that is tough to swallow.

James 1:2-8New King James Version (NKJV

2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 7 For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways