I am determined to be a good mother... like my mom
I have always dreamed about being a mommy. I mommied my cousins, my younger brother (still do sometimes), even my older sister. I was the one who reminded everyone of the rules, comforted them when they were in trouble or sad.
I want to just point out as I get older and I am entering this new season I am appretiating my mother more than I ever have.
When I got married and was learning to be a wife, I got a new perspective looking at my mom.
Now with Ethan coming... there is a drive inside of me that says "Protect that baby"
Growing up my mom would say frequently how she loved being a mom. That she loved her kids.
I can remember when Susan Smith murdered her children in the 1990s. I can still see in my mind the news program when she begged the "person" who had them to bring the home. Then I remember the day when the news came that she had actually drowned her children. My mothers face was mortified then it turned to sadness. I remember her just praying aloud for the family and being so upset that a mother could do that. Hugging both my brother and I more frequently that day.
My mothers heart is a TRUE mothers heart. From correction, to hugs and kisses.
When I was about 12-14 years of age my mom and I went through such a rough spot. She was going through some tough things and so was I, our whole family was. There was not much communication and lots of hurt feelings. One night at a ladies meeting the speaker was talking about unforgiveness. Later on I went to the speaker and told her how angry and hurt I was at my mom, that I didn't want to feel that way. From across the room my mother heard my whispered words. I'm convinced God wanted to my mom to hear my words. After talking to the speaker mom motioned for me to come and sit by her.
The pin my mom gave me
My mom, in a humbled teary voice asked for my forgiveness. Explaining to me that she loved me more than herself and that she would try harder. In the same loving voice asked grace and understanding from me. I promised to do better too. Then mom gave me a pin to wear. She told me to wear it and remember that she will ALWAYS love me.
From that night on mom and I have been close. There were still the usual teen and parent conflicts occasionally, but it never was the same.
Now here I am about to embark on this journey, and I can count my mother as one of my closest friends. I can confide in her and trust her. We respect each other.
This woman instilled in me the importance of praising God through every circumstance, to pray about every situation, to put God first, and when I have children be the best mother that I can be. Those children are a gift from God and should be treated as so.
So this post is dedicated to my mother, Kathy. I love you!
First off, I know that almost every post (OK all of them) is about Baby Ethan... but I can't really say I'm sorry.
I had so many plans and wants about this blog. I really did. I also thought I would have cute little updates and write all this great stuff now that I'm not in school.
But seriously, time has RACED by... and I'm left here dumbfounded that I'm now officially in my third trimester (28 weeks today)! How did that even happen?
Ethan is our miracle people. I will continue to brag and glorify God! Because we are having a son! God has stepped in so many times to comfort, give strength, and even intervene. He has protected and preserved the life of our baby boy. Whom we are already in-love with! Seriously I spend probably almost an hour everyday watching my stomach move from kicks.
This is definitely a new season for me. There are so many transitions that I have faced this year.
First I'm no longer a student. I want desperately to return to get my masters but I want to concentrate
on Ethan and Josh for a bit first. But I have been trying to complete my degree since 2005. I have had several obstacles and God has seen me through them. Once that was completed I was kind of lost. Wondering what may lay ahead. I was desperately trying to find a new job but every door was closed, and I realized that God may want to me to wait and stay where I'm at for now.
Second, becoming a mother has made me a different person. Probably not so much in my external behavior but my eternal process. I feel stronger and healthier (mind, spirit, and body) than I ever have. As a new mom-to-be I feel empowered and have a strong sense of determination about several things. I've shared a little about this here-----> first time mom: Resolution
These two transitions brought several small and big changes in my life. With growth comes struggles and victories.
So yes, these post are about Ethan but in a big way I'm writing about a journey. A spiritual journey of healing and restoration, a journey of physical health, a journey of becoming a mom...
So, I'm hoping that these words do not fail in encouraging someone or maybe spur some questions. I just know I love this blog and I value the friendships I've made through Aunt LaLa.
As always I'm here if you need me to pray, have questions, ect... Email me at auntlala25 [at] gmail or feel free to comment!
Excuse the dust around here... excuse me while I tear down the cob webs....
There we go :)
What a crazy time! From wedding showers, babies, weddings, baby showers... whew now it feels like it is crunch time for baby Ethan!
We are 26 weeks today!! That's only 14 weeks until due date!
What!? Oh my goodness...
What a whirlwind this season has been, so many decisions and choices to think and pray about.
The main thing that has been going on which is why it has been so quiet around here - there has been an enormous amount of stress with this pregnancy.
When we first found out we were pregnant my A1C (in short is my overall glucose average) was a 10.? which normal I believe is around 5.5 - 6. So I was sent to a high risk Dr. Everything was going fine, there were some issues that I chose to ignore and shrug off because I really thought it maybe me just being sensitive.
Then in May I was treated disrespectfully, we tried to resolve this issue but was met with an attitude of arogance. I was so upset, feeling torn because how can I possible go somewhere where I feel so uncomfortable and anxious. Every appointment I was anxious. It was awful. There were also another circumstances that were causing me stress, but that main angst was my doctor.
I prayed that God would show me what to do, where would Ethan be most taken care of?
I talked it over with a few close people, and decided I would not be returning to that practice.
As Ethan's mother and a grown women I have a choice. My body and my baby, I do not have to put myself in a situation I am uncomfortable.
I went and visited my primary doctor and we discussed some options. Tomorrow I have my first appointment with my new OB. I am elated. I felt such weight lifted off my shoulders, it was great. I put my trust in God to guide every step and he did.
I'm thrilled for everyone to know that my A1C is now at normal level! :) My new doctor is actually a regular OB. I cannot wait to see my baby boy tomorrow! To get us both checked out and reaffirm that we are both doing well. Please pray my A1C stays normal, sometimes in the 3rd trimester it raises and I would love to stay at a regular OB.
I wanted to share this for a couple reasons. One is to empower first time moms. I know that it is scary. There is so much that is unknown and unfamiliar. All of sudden you are faced with these decisions and choices, its so over whelming.
I have tackled these feelings by sharing my fears and worries with J. To my surprises we are feeling the same things. (Well some of them, he isn't preparing to give birth LOL) It was so nice not to be stuck in my own head but to share.
Then I remember that I serve a big God that he has got my back. And has given me the ability to decide what is best for our child. Ethan is the most important right now. I'm responsible for his well-being.
Another thing, guess what? This is not anyone's child but your and your spouses! Not your parents, friends, or in-laws. This is your child.
Most of the time advice is given because there is love and caring behind it. However, ultimatley this is the new parents decision.
How you give birth, where you give birth, what doctor you want, what clothes you want, what decorations you want, how you want to raise your child.... it's up to mommy and daddy.
Being pregnant has really given me a sense of empowerment as a mother and woman. I cannot explain it in words, but Ethan is not even here and my world is already drastically changing.
So, this post is long enough :) But as always I'm here if you want to discuss this or even vent (us first moms have alot going on)
God is so good and I cannot wait to our little miracle Ethan!
As your reading this I am at the doctors waiting to be seen to find out if our little one is a boy or girl!
I am amazed that we are at this point already! We will be at the half way mark on Monday - 20 weeks!!
I will be posting the gender on my facebook personal and blog page on Saturday evening.
This is a joyous day to celebrate a miracle. God has blessed us with a miracle... you do realize that?
Even on this joyous day, my heart aches. Two years ago today we lost a baby we were not even aware of we had, Hope. My heart bleeds for those who still are in trenches of infertility. My heart bleeds for our loss...
Yet , I weep at the love and grace of God. Who would have ever imagined two years ago that I would be feeling the anticipation of seeing my little one in my womb? Not me. Not Josh.
I sit here crying over our loss and our blessing! Talk about conflicting emotions.
Losing Hope was the darkest place I have ever walked. The deepest pain I have ever felt...
Yet as I faced this time last year thinking and wondering how was I going to make it through Mothers Day, the 15th, Josh's birthday on the 17th, Fathers day... our hearts bruised and crushed by our lost dream.
But Joy comes in the mornings my friends... because I did not have to walk through this month in that same mind frame. I was able celebrate Mothers Day... and tomorrow I find out if we are having a boy or a girl. Our miracle! Saturday to celebrate Josh we revealing the gender of our little one and the name!
I'm just awestruck at God's timing...
He is giving us ...
Joy where there is sorrow
Peace where there is pain
Love where there has been brokenness
I'm completely and indescribably thankful. I'm choosing to celebrate tomorrow! Celebrate this new season and I will celebrate Hope and what she brought to us.
It is true... When you read this I will be getting ready to walk across the stage with my diploma.
There are so many things changing this year. Roles in my life that are ending and ones that are beginning.
Not to mention all my emotions about Mothers Day.
I have been a college student since 2005. August 19,2005 to be exact. I have cried, stressed, studied, accrued debt, laughed, made great friends... That is all coming to an end. I'm in shock I have no book to study, no paper to write, no professor to complain about... Through all the tough times, honestly, I'm going to miss it. Terribly.
In just a few months I will be holding our precious little baby. What a wonderful new, scary, overwhelming, it is a miracle role.
Add that to the overwhelming joy and still some grief in my heart, emotions all over the place feelings I have about Mother's Day... And whew you have yourself a pretty emotional pregnant lady.
There is so much I want to write but alas I must go rest. Energy does not come easy these days. I can't wait to share all the baby updates.
I'm resting in God and listening to the encouraging words of my wonderful husband.
I'm so thankful!! I made it with God's strength and mercy, added with my determination :)