Friday, May 15, 2015

But God...

I cannot believe it has been so long since I have wrote on this blog. At one time I look forward to writing in this blog every single day. But boy has life changed.

Today I celebrate the fact that God had other plans for my life then what I actually thought or was told.

when I was 15 I was told that I would probably never be able to have children naturally.

Then 3 years ago exactly today my biggest dream of having a child I thought was gone forever. Josh and I suffered a loss a very surprising loss. we made it through that with God's grace and strength and I was able to gain friendships through this tragedy that I never thought I would. Hopefully by sharing my testimony through that trying time somebody was touch or encourage through Christ and our testimony. We think about Hope often but somehow our wounds and grief have subsided with the love and gift that we have with Ethan. We haven't forgot about our angel in heaven but are continuing to celebrate life here on earth.

This morning I was reminded by an app on my phone 2 years ago exactly today God spoke to me through a complete stranger. This stranger had no idea that may 15th held such a hold on my heart. As I walked by a bus at the school I was working at I was stopped by the bus driver who then told me that God told her to tell me that he sees my heart and he seesbmy desires and then I would have what I desired and that everything is well. This was in 2013.
you can read my post about that day here with more detail:

Then exactly one year ago today I found out that my miracle was going to be a little boy! Josh and I were absolutely ecstatic! it was a day of healing. Through my pregnancy my heart was restored and pulled away from grief and more toward life.

So today May 15 2015 I am celebrating with my little boy Ethan he is 8 months old today!

I'm writing this today to encourage someone, someone that needs a miracle, who's at the end of the rope, who needs to know that God is still God and he is big enough to handle any situation. Doctors told me I wouldn't have a child, I told myself at times I would not have a child, BUT GOD had different plans.

Be encouraged my friends my love to you all!

          My eight month old miracle

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Thoughts on what it means to be a Wife

Becoming a mom has only showed me more the role in a woman's life. Ladies we have a big job. A big job. Yes, dads-husbands-men have major roles too, but as I get older I see more and more how the mom-wife-woman are the glue.  This post is really written to the wives... just some thoughts

When I was younger when someone  mentioned the traditional role of a wife I would cringe. Me? "Submit" to a man? I had a very narrow view of what a traditional life was. As a modern woman that is independent and was raised to know my own mind, not only know and respect myself but that it was okay to voice it.

Then I got married. As the years have passed I've learned that my role as a wife, now a mother is SO much more than I could see through my "Ms. Independent" eyes.

And the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper meet for him." (Genesis 2:18)

… man was not created for the sake of the woman, but woman for the sake of the man; (1 Corinthians 11:9)

I had a trying time as a single woman looking at these scriptures. 
NO man was going to be over me!

In all honesty the main problem is that is hit a nerve. I felt like every teacher that talked about this and even God was saying I was not as important. 

But you see that is not God's meaning at all... 

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, (Ephesians 5:25)

Then I let these above scriptures sink in...

Genesis tells me that I was created to be a help mate. God was entrusting me to work with him to help my husband. 

1 Corinthians tells me that I was made for his (my husbands) sake. I was created because God knew how important I would be to my husband. God knew that as a wife my calling , my purpose is to help my mate, for HIS sake I was made. 

Then once my husband has me as his wife he supposed to love and cherish me as Christ loved the church... wow. Look at all Christ did/does for us. 

That is a pretty important role if you ask me. God never once asked me to give up my wants or dreams, he never says I'm less than... Woman was made from Adams side. To stand beside, lean on each other.

Ladies I know we get overwhelmed a frustrated... but we got this. We are the glue in the family. But what an honor to be the one who loves, helps, guides our families.  

Then I became a mother.... that post is for another day

Aunt LaLa

**I know that some marriages do operate in a healthy manner and not every marriage apply biblical principals. Some spouses are the only Christian in the home... I know there are so many different scenarios that could be going on. My heart hurts for you. I'm praying for these marriages. As always I'm here if I can pray with you about anything.**

Friday, January 9, 2015

Hello, Hello, you say Good-bye I say hello

Good bye..
...2014. the year I received the greatest gift on this earth besides Christ. the anxiety that came with being pregnant with my miracle. my college career our family of two our doggie, Pixel
...East Tennessee Children's Hospital
...plans that did not work out
                                                          ...feeling my baby in my belly


...2015. baby boy Ethan many many first finding a better home a family of 3 now new beginnings changes growing closer to God Ethan
....a new job (maybe) new plans changes in Aunt LaLa
Hope you all enjoyed your holidays!!
Aunt LaLa


Friday, December 12, 2014

Not as planned

Look at that cuteness!!
I feel almost obligated to apologize to anyone who has prayed, read, or had interest in all the on goings of Aunt LaLa.... 

I had plans, big plans to record everything. Blog about all life's muses about being a new mom, new jobs, moving, family, J and Ethan. But I haven't. 

I guess any mom can relate to when you had your first baby, life changes in so many ways. Ethan has become my life, everything else I finish with the goal of getting back to play and cuddle.

Blogging has not seem that important I guess. Oh but how I love to write! 

Should I continue to blog? Where is Aunt LaLa going? Does Aunt LaLa - the name -  fit now? 

My niece and nephews are still so important to me... 

I feel like I've been in a whirlwind!

September - We had Ethan early and went into the hospital
October- Ethan came home and we adjusted to having a baby and J started a new job with a completely different schedule and driving time
November - our house gained VERY unwelcome guest, had to move suddenly with my grandparents for our saftey.. and give away one dog and our other is with my mom

And here we are in December. 

I'm so thankful, very thankful for my grandparents! This situation is short term, but I know that they are loving Ethan being here and this will make a special first Christmas for Ethan. 

It was nothing like I had planned... nothing in these last couple months has went as planned. 

It is teaching me to just accept where I am and realize there is a plan. God has me here in this time at this moment for a reason. With that said... it has been very difficult.

Faced with decisions that were hard and some choices have been out of my control... and I do not like that... 

Trusting God implicitly is difficult. It is hard to relinquish control and walk into the unknown. Now when we walk into the unknown it is with our baby boy. It is not just J and I. We have Ethan... 

Having a child brings on a whole new sense of protectiveness and weight of your decisions.

I feel we have made the best decisions for him in this situation. 

I'm not sure where God is taking our family of four. But I DO know that he has a plan. Please keep us in your prayers. 

As for this blog, I really want to make more time for it. 

That's the plan...  but we know how plans go... :)

Aunt LaLa

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

First time Mom: Exhaustion

I have been around babies and taking care of them from a very young age but there is just something different when it is your own. There is no "off day", no ending to the shift. 

When we came home from the hospital I was so excited and glad to just have my baby at home. So we were now on our own... no nurses and no doctors. Just my boy and I. J had to come pick us up and then return to work unfortunately. So Ethan and I were on our own... it was the best feeling ever. 

I was asked if I wanted anyone with me, or was I nervous... the answer to both was no. I honestly could not wait to get by myself with my new little boy. 

I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I knew that I was still recovering from surgery. I knew that Josh would be at work all day and I would be the main care taker of Ethan. Oh and do not forget hormones. 

Even though I knew that, I gained a whole different understanding of exhaustion. And I gained a whole new respect of my body. 

There was one night in the last 2 1/2 weeks (don't ask me when I'm too tired to remember) that little man was having some gas issues and was just crying so much. I had given him medicine and was rocking him, Josh was asleep and I knew he needed to be because he had to work... then it happened. Ethan and I both were crying. 

I can laugh about what a pitiful sight we were. But at the moment, I was exhausted... yet as my body wanted to just collapse I found the strength to get back up and walk around the house bouncing little man. Then when he finally passed his gas and had a dirty diaper too (yes I get excited about this, better out than in I tell ya) ...

I laid my little boy that had stopped crying on his changing table and he was just staring up at me. I had stopped crying too. He looked in my eyes and just sighed. It was a sigh of relief.. like "OK mom we made it!" I had to just smile, pick him up and give a billion+ kisses on his cute cheeks. 

At that moment I was still exhausted, but it was the best exhausted I had ever felt. 

Aunt LaLa

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

So many emotions

I have to remind myself that it is OK to feel what I feel... I've been told to give myself permission to just feel the way I do. There is no wrong or right...

I just re-read the blog from last year at the second balloon release for Hope and the other angel babies. My heart feels so overwhelmed with so many emotions.

Tomorrow is my birthday... I will be 29. I'm sitting right next to a miracle. A real, tangible, breathing miracle.

Ethan was not expected to have ever be... then when he was born it was almost as if we were going to lose him before we get to hold him...

I do not think I could ever explain the range of emotions I felt the 18 days he was in the hospital. The exhaustion I felt... the anger, hurt, sadness, grief, and absolute joy of being a mother to this beautiful creation!

Sometimes we are hardest critics... we compare ourselves to other people or to something that is intangible. Talking to a friend today I was reminded that we have such pre-notions of what we "should" be or who God is or expects us to be. I have never felt so desperate for God's mercy and grace in all my life than I have in this season.

He gave it. He was there, when I felt guilty for being angry and feeling this was all so unfair to have my miracle baby boy in the NICU and suffering.. it was unfair that I had to leave him EVERY night...

But each and every day God somehow showed me he loved me. Whether it was a kind words from the nurses or a text message. One time it was a random post on facebook. I have had people reach out to me to encourage me.. every single moment God was with me.

And he was with my baby boy. Each and every time the Dr's gave us the stats of how long or how hard something was going to be my God displayed his Glory by healing Ethan every day and showing the Dr's that Ethan Alexander is NO statistic.

I celebrate life tomorrow. Life after death. Life after trauma. Life after loss. Life with God. Life with my sweet boy. Life with my husband.

I'm thankful to God that he has been with me and given me strength, peace, joy, and healing.

I celebrate the lives that I know my friends and family will be missing tomorrow... and miss every day.

We love you Owen, Mattie, Ashton, and Hope. And to all the other babies who we met or did not meet we love you!

My prayers to all those are feeling grief from miscarriage, infant death, still born, or infertility. Sending you a big hug. God's peace, strength, and joy be with you.

Aunt LaLa

Friday, October 3, 2014


Ethan Alexander
10 lbs. 10 oz
Going home outfit! Mommy is happy!

First day without any tubes! Love that face!

Ethan and mommies first selfie!

Daddy finally gets to hold me for the first time!

Mommy meeting Ethan for the first time
Waiting on Daddy, we are going home!!

I know you probably thought I have fell off the face of the earth but actually I was just baking a baby and actually having him! He was born on the 15th of September at 37 weeks. From birth he had several problems and we have been in the NICU for almost 3 weeks. 

I have so much I need to write.. but tonight I shall enjoy having my baby home for the first time. 

I'm completely in love with my little boy! The Lord be praised for him and healing his body!!