Saturday, December 24, 2016

Is this the answer?

My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it?

When I wrote No Answers I was in a rough place.

This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial.

At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line.

Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness.

I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds.

I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian. 

A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind.

We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved.

A little child burned

Children taken from their mother

My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year....

My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed...

We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby

I know I am not alone in saying 2016 has been a rough year.

The final straw that broke me and made me feel defeated were the wild fires here in East Tennessee.

This is my home. There was so much loss, death, and devastation. I cried for two days. We have so many memories in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. I felt there was devastation all around me.

There for a minute (more like a few weeks) , the enemy had me. He had me believing there was no use, he had  me doubting everything I stand for, he had me wondering what is the point?, that I was never going to feel happy again...

I think the most awful feeling is being disconnected with God.

Doubting him. and not just a thought here or there but it started to take root.

I was standing in Sunday services and crying because I just needed God's help. I wanted to have these weights off my shoulders and legs.

I had a baby boy watching me and a husband who needs me. I could not abandon the one thing that has always sustained me...

Then something happened.

Our church put on a Christmas play, and it was actually written as a joint effort. Everyone collaborated and added their own take on the character they were playing.

I wrote two scenes toward the end of the play.

I wanted to write something that would be meaningful since I was playing the Christian trying to encourage others during a tragedy. The scene I wrote involved a the principle who was an atheist because of her being sexually assaulted as a young girl... she wondered where God was... this is a snippet of that scene...

DEVILLE: Then you explain to me where God was when I was just a young girl? When I was brutally attacked? Where was He then? I’ll tell you, He was nowhere and my innocence was stolen. I knew after that there was no loving God.
 MRS. LAWSON: I am so sorry that happened to you. I cannot tell you that I understand God's ways. His ways are not our own. But there is evil in this world and sometimes we come in contact with darkest of it. But when I lost my baby...
 DEVILLE: Your Baby?
MRS. LAWSON: Yes, my baby. I felt lost and hopeless. I questioned everything. But I was reminded of Christ and his disciples. And all they suffered in the name of God. Not turning their backs when they face persecution and death. Then I remembered all the other times I had seen God's hand in my life.
 DEVILLE: I heard the scripture that Janice quoted, has it been like that for you?
MRS. LAWSON: At first it wasn't but God restored my heart. And once I took the step toward healing, only then the burden of grief and heartache was replaced with peace and joy again.
DEVILLE: I do want that, but I just don't know that I’m ready and quite honestly, I don't know if God will even want to hear me.
MRS. LAWSON: He still loves you, he has never left. He is waiting for you and all you have to do is ask him

My dear friend played Deville, and I was Mrs. Lawson. Both of were telling real stories and real feelings... and we were both in tears. The moment this scene happened I felt something deep in my soul. When I made the proclamation of giving it to God and in return he gave me peace and joy again... I felt the weights leave.

It was a powerful moment for us both. And I know God ordained that moment... not only that moment but the whole play.

At the end of the play characters came to surrender their lives to Christ at the alter... which moved others in the audience to come as well. At the alter it hit me... I felt God healing me heart. I felt his presence around me. And he sent a friend to pray with me and I felt renewed again.

James 1:2-7
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 

I felt HOPE.  This scripture is one I've heard a million times, I have taught on it, I have qouted it. But as I felt God show me what to write he brought some things to my attention. One very big thing.. in verse 6 it says if you have doubt you are like wave tossed by the wind... I was feeling that way. The doubt and hopelessness I felt made me feel lost... a wave has no aim it is just moved by the wind.  Here and there. No purpose.

That is how I felt...

But not anymore!

Did you know my grandfather was healed from cancer this year?
Did you know someone gave us a car this year?
And when that one did not work God opened a door for us to get a great SUV?
Did you know that my brother got engaged to a wonderful girl?
Did you know that my non verbal autistic nephew asked for me?!
Did you know that I watched my 8 year old niece pray for her dad?
Did you know that our very dear friends are going to foster to adopt?
Did you know that a little girl is safer now?

He has provided, healed, delivered, saved, rescued.... Yes we faced some tough stuff. But even in the darkness he is our light.

Does it still hurt? Yes. Will I still cry? Yes.

But oh my dear friends, I have never been more thankful than I am this Christmas!

We have a savior who offers us so much more than this world

Merry Christmas my readers!!! I Love you! I really do. I pray 2017 would be better and you would be closer to him who saves us.... in him is where our HOPE is and forever will be!

He is my answer to this life. He can be yours too.

All my love,






Thursday, December 22, 2016

No Answers

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby.

At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh.

We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant.

We did. Then we lost our baby.

I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life.

Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too.

I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying.

I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard.

We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO.

I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him.

Today while I was fixing E breakfast I had a thought...

Why, if I was just going to lose Little Bit, did you want us to get pregnant again?

That made no sense to me.

I can honestly say over coming my anger has been difficult. I have really felt disgust.

I have no answers...

It does seem cruel to me.

I am just being honest.

Angry...hurt...bitter...broken...alone...

All feelings that I have tried so hard to battle....But God had his own lesson for me to learn and he taught me through our Christmas play at church...

I started this post before our Christmas play at church... and so this is just part one. I plan to post the second part to this on Christmas Eve.

Please read it. I know that God has all this interwoven together for a reason.

Before I end this I am going to leave you with this scripture... a scripture that is tough to swallow.


James 1:2-8New King James Version (NKJV

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Nine Years

Today I celebrate an answered prayer. 

I started to pray for my future spouse at fourteen. That may seem young to you and it was young. 

But from a very young age (obviously)  I dreamed of my prince Charming...to feel those butterflies that all those romantic movies gave me with a real person. 

As I grew older I desperately wanted someone to love me... 

I wanted someone who would take care of me, who loved me for me.

Not what I could give them. 

I wrote about how Josh and I met and you can read all that HERE

Today it has been nine years that I said 'I do' to the Love of my life. 

We had a whirlwind romance and it swept us up and carried us quickly to the alter

Four months actually from our first date we were on our honeymoon. 

I know that there were naysayers, and I know that some had doubts. 

That is okay. 

Because Josh and I knew we were meant to be. We knew God put us together. 

We have went through some really tough stuff. 

We have lost jobs... friends... our babies...

We have been victorious and gained better jobs... our precious son... greater relationships

But here we are on the other side of our trials and joys and we stand strong. 

Through our greatest trials we have clung on to each other and most importantly we have kept God first. 

I pray that my single friends and family find this kind of love that we have. 

But be prepared... fight for it... learn... communicate...compromise

Josh is one my greatest blessings. I love him and he is my best friend... 

He encourages me in all decisions, he works hard to support his family. 

He is gentle but manly all in one. 

I kind of adore him. 

I love his jokes that usually no one gets to hear 
I love the way he pesters me - mostly
I love his bear hugs
I love spirit
I love his commitment to God

He is an amazing daddy. 

And after this year I am not taking anything for granted. 

I really and truly can say that 14 year old girl back in 1999 got her prince Charming...

Happy Anniversary my Love!! oxoxox




Thursday, November 24, 2016

He knew what I needed

Happy Thanksgiving readers wherever you are.

As your reading this I'm celebrating with my family.

I said in my last post that I was working on a post about how God once again let me know "his eye is on the sparrow"

A couple weeks ago I was honored to fill in singing on our worship team. I love each opportunity that God gives me to use the gifts he has given me

Right before service started I stopped to talk to a young lady who often comes to our church. She had brought her newborn niece with her. Instantly I asked if I could hold her.

The moment that little girl was in my arms, something inside me broke. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of a wall grief had come crashing down.

In that instant I knew I wanted a baby again.

I want to hold our baby in my arms and cover her face with kisses.

This overwhelming feeling had me in tears... Struggling not to sob I headed to the stage and worshipped. I sang with all my heart.

After church I told Josh what I felt. We cried and held hands. Talked it out.

We decided that day we want to have another baby.

No matter how that happens. It may through adoption and it may be me becoming pregnant. All we know is that we want to continue this journey and one day give Ethan a sibling.

That day we met my in-laws for dinner at Cracker Barrel. After dinner we headed to the store part. As I'm looking one if the employees was stocking and I was looking these beautiful shirts (wishing I was a little richer)

The employees commented on how beautiful they were and I said something about wishing they were cheaper.

We began a conversation about her wanting to marry a man with money... She had been single for a number of years...that led us to talking about God's perfect timing.

She said that her son that she had given up for adoption found her five or so years ago after searching for her after thirteen years.
With big tears her eyes she looked at me and said, "God always works things out in his perfect timing"

I agreed with her, and said I've learned that many times.

She gave me a big hug, and I told her that we lost our baby and it's been so rough.
She had been there and said

"No matter big or small, 6 weeks to giving birth, that was your baby. He will work it, in his way his timing"

I walked away from that conversation feeling like God was saying "I see you, I hear you, your important to me"

I'm not a second thought to God! I'm important to him, I'm a priority to him.

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful that I'm a mommy to my baby boy. I'm thankful for my husband is such a great man. Dad. Husband.

I'm thankful that I have my grandfather still with us after a very hard year health wise. And thankful for my grandmother who has had to fight along side of him and be the caretaker.

I'm thankful for my parents, my in-laws, my siblings, my aunt's and uncles, cousins...

I'm thankful for my church family

I'm thankful for my readers, your 
comments and messages keep me writing.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! ❤❤❤❤


Friday, November 18, 2016

What to say, what to say

Wow, what a crazy couple weeks.

I cannot even begin to tell you how my view of individuals have changed since the dreaded election.

Don't groan or roll your eyes this will not be a political post I have seen too many as you have.

My heart has hurt because of the hate, arguing, division...

Boy oh boy...

That's all I got to say about that... as Forest said.

I want to make a difference. I have been thinking a lot about what that means for me.

I have a college degree and I have passion. A passion to help people.

I have been working on a project that I am really excited about and I hope to be able to get it done... I  will tell let you know when I finish.

I am hoping that something comes of it.

Thanksgiving is next week! I cannot believe that.

We have our first play practice this Sunday and we are putting up our tree afterward.

The plan was to put it up before this, but we moved to the first floor of our apartment building.

For several reasons. But that is for another post. Let's just say some people move into apartments and have a problem with apartment noise.

Moving on...

Josh and I have talked about naming the baby and how to celebrate this little life we were happy to have apart of us, even if it was just for 6 weeks and 1 day.

My heart aches to still be pregnant.

This is a very random post... sorry.

I am working on the post to let you all know who were asking about how we plan to celebrate the baby and where we are going from here ... and to write about what God did for me a couple weeks ago. God knew I needed a little extra something.

Looking forward to celebrating the holidays and eating yummy food!

Here is a little peak at us making new memories and living life in the moment...
I love this man and that little man

I love his cuddles

E and Mommy at the Vday parade

Honoring Gramps for Veterans Day

Mommy and E in the leaves



Love ,

 




Saturday, November 5, 2016

Joy Comes in the Morning

I felt like writing this post because as any one who has walked through grief knows that it is UP and DOWN daily
So today was an UP day for me. 

Friday night was an ugly night. I was having a good day mostly. Very busy. 

I had volunteered at our church's food pantry which I LOVE. I have not been able to because almost everyone in my family works.. so no babysitter. 

Had to pick up my gorgeous niece and nephew from school. 

But I started to get really sad. I had to tell two more people that we had lost our "little Bit" 

Yesterday was two weeks since I had the D and C... it is not like I am trying to focus on dates it is just hard not for that thought of... Tuesday will be three weeks... three weeks since I seen my baby on the ultrasound... and so on. And it was the same with Hope. Those first, the holidays, the milestones. 

So last night I was cooking... and I just broke. Ugly, gut wrenching, bending over crying. Trying to hide it from E. 

My heart was just hurting and I was sad. Then not too long after I felt so sick. Weak, anxiety, stomach hurting... 

I promise I am getting to the happy part of this. 

I have an amazing group of women at my church. They are my dearest friends and my sisters. 

Through this I have felt their prayers and clung to their words of encouragement. 

J and I have really been hurting. 

But today I felt genuine happiness. 

We all planned a surprise for one my sweetest friends (Who by the way is just amazing... I call her my hippie friend... I love you Stacy)


We all surprised her at a local canvas painting class and went to lunch. 

It was hours of pure happiness. I laughed and laughed. Had great (adult) conversation. Spent a great time with my friends. 

It was one of the only times in the last two weeks I felt joyful

It was so needed... 

We may not even know what our presence and smile do for others. Do not get so consumed with your own junk, or get jealous if some one gets a special treat from their friends. Think how can you serve them. How can you help them. 

I posted this picture on facebook...and it has been my profile picture. Because it is such a true statement. And today reminded me how true it is.


Grief changes and it is a passage or journey.

So I am changing my profile picture to this...


Because today my eyes were not swollen from crying, I did not feel "empty", and I smiled. Really smiled from the inside out. 

For that I am so so thankful. 

Remember that scripture I shared last blog... 

For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may stay for the night, but joy comes in the morning - Psalms 30:5

So today there was joy in the morning

All my love, 


Friday, October 28, 2016

And it goes on

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to.


Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way. 


Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before. 


Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard. 


Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things. 


Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me. 


My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression. 


All with in a months time I found out I was pregnant and lost Little Bit before we were able to hear its precious heart beat. 


Frankly, I get really frustrated easy. I know the root is the unfairness of having to suffer this a second time. 


Unfortunately I am a fixer. So I spend energy trying to unpack my apartment or work on a project. Reading. Anything to fix my heart. 


But the thing about grief is there is no "fix" 


You cannot go around, over, under, around... you have to walk right through this painful valley of grief. 


Loss is not easy, and I feel like sometimes I am drowning. 


I am clinging to the knowledge that my family and friends are praying for me. 


A week ago today I had my D and C.


I HATE typing that. It really makes me feel angry and want to go punch something (I think I maybe in the anger phase of grief) 


My Dr. was pleased with how well everything went. She does not think that there is anything major going on , but is leaving it up to me to do further testing. 


I am just not there right now. 


Right now I want not to be sad, right now I want to see Ethan's baby things and not remember Josh and I talking about what we were keeping for this baby. 


I don't want to see my husband hurting and upset. Or remember the look on his face when I told him why the ultrasound was going to get the Dr. 


I want to be pregnant with our little baby. 


Grief is so ugly... so maybe you think I should not share so much....or wonder why I do? 


I will tell you. 


Isolation is the enemy's favorite weapon. He comes to steal kill and destroy. 


Frankly I have been down that road. When we lost Hope I was lost in the deep depression and lonely walk of grief. 


I have shared about my choice one day to live. Live for what I had been blessed with. 


So everyday, sometimes moment to moment I choose to live. Live for my son. Live for my husband. Live for my self. But most important and as unhappy I am with having to go through losing another baby... I choose to live for God. 


I do not understand why I am going through this again. I wish it was not happening. 


I know if I am going to heal and be joyful, and continue to breathe... I need God. 


To be completely honest my heart is hurting.


I will be okay.


I will make it through this.


Maybe no one wants to read my story and maybe I am only writing to help me process everything... but this blog is here for a reason.


I hope in the near future you will see a happier post, but if you have been reading my blog for any length of time you know that I cannot just pretend. This is me. This is real.


All my love,