Tuesday, October 18, 2016

I did not want to write this...again

I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis.

On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions.


We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone.

But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook.

I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks.

So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray.
Saturday 10/15 my birthday

My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited.

So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat. 

As soon as I seen the sac, I knew. 

The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger. 

I felt a rush of anxiousness. 

I knew, I just knew. 

Josh sat there held my hand. 

We both were in shock. 

Our "Little Bit" was gone

I just don't have words to say, and right now I am just wanting this next week to be over with. 

So we now have two precious ones in Heaven waiting. 

I don't have answers, and I don't understand. 

I have these pictures to remember our baby by

I am Angry. Disgusted. Sad. Anxious. All emotions that were covered at the workshops that were at a Women's Retreat I went on two weeks ago. 

That retreat brought healing and freedom to me. I do not want to lose that. I am not the same woman I was four years ago. And I know that no one grieves the same way... 

I am not sure what this journey will bring. But I do know I don't want to stay here. I don't want to return to that dark dark place. 

It is ironic how I just wrote about making a choice to live or die in these places of anguish and hurt? 

I do not think it was any coincidence that I wrote that just a few days ago... I wrote it for me. I was going to the woman that read that post. Because I needed to be reminded. I have choice. 

Yes, your right I have Ethan. You better believe when I seen him today after the Dr. I held him and I cried. I held him so tight. 

I was reminded today that he is my living, breathing, walking miracle. 

No, I don't know if I will try again...no I don't know what the cause was. Right now I can not make those decisions or finish those thoughts. 

All I know is my stomach is sick, and my heart hurts. I want to run away from this and not have to face it. 

Please pray for us. Because right now Josh and I need it. This is hard. Tough. Sad. Unfair. 

I don't know what else to add... besides I know I will be okay. I know even though I am confused and can not see the future or why I am going through this... but God is with me. He has been preparing me for this through small things. I know his presence is with me.

Even through this I will proclaim him faithful. 

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I will have a D & C sometime this week/early next week. So please pray that all goes well, I've only had one major medical procedure and that was my Cesarean. 

Friday, October 14, 2016


*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) .

As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out.

I just cried. Cried hard.

My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time.

I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh.

Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches.

Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.

1 in 4 women share the same scar I have.

Each of us have a story. Some of us were able to have our rainbow babies, some never did. Some clung to the children they had already been blessed with. Some delivered their babies, but did not get to take them home.

No matter the story we all share a loss... a loss of a dream we once had. You grieve your baby. No matter size from weeks to infant. It is a traumatic loss.

When I had Ethan, God healed my heart. He gave me my miracle that I thought I would never have.

Remembering all of our babies, we love you and miss you
I never thought my story would help others, it did not occur to me on May 15, 2012 that God was building a testimony.

But he was and is still doing.

I wrote before how I had a choice, a choice to stay in my pit of despair, anger, depression, grief...or I could choose  to live. To really live.

I chose to live, and to share my story.

My heart breaks for my friends and any woman who is suffering from infertility... not only infertility but loss. Oh that pain that you feel.

That journey can be a lonely and dark one.


You could make the choice (not an easy one) to live.

It was not easy. I won't pretend that it was a short journey to find my freedom. But it came.

I started to be a better wife, friend, and woman of God.

God does not expect us not to hurt from what we went through. Those scars are meant for us to draw from so that we are able to help others.

To use our testimony to give others hope, encouragement, and for them to know "You are not alone"

No, I have not forgot about my precious little one that got to be with Jesus before me...but I will use her short life to reach others for the Glory of God.

I love you, yes you, the one who is crying with me reading this. I am sorry you are hurting. And I am praying for you.

OXOX, Lauren

News Interview

Hope's Balloon Release #1

Hope's Balloon Release #2

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Chill Out

Whew. Our world, society, and the issues around us have me spinning. Until a few days ago really trying to grasp on to something steady.

My little world is most certainly being effected. I'm seeing family members of my blood relatives and my Christian family standing on opposing sides. Both sides making valid points. Our media fueling the tearing down of any unity we have. Red, yellow, black, white, blue.... Hilary or Trump.

Frankly it is too much. In my own personal opinion Facebook is becoming a breading ground for hurt, disapointment, and anger. A place where we can freely feel brave behind a computer and bash something or somebody without thought of "I'm going to see this person face to face tomorrow"

The hypocrisy of our leaders or future leaders makes me sick.

What can I do? I'm a Geargia preach that is now an East Tennessean. A SAHM. No political background. No platform (so to speak).

But I have this blog, I have my faith.

To be completely honest with you this world scares me. The fear of no control to stop this world becoming darker and darker. Less morals. Less respect.

Those feelings could overwhelm me, you, anyone...

But... BUT

I serve a great big God! A God who is greater than any election.

I serve a God who raises people from the dead. A God who heals. A God who opens wombs. A God who promises me hope and an eternal life with him.

A God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Nothing comes as a surprise to God.

I know I can rest in him!

No matter the circumstance, and I have faced some dark times, his words ring true in my heart

You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. -1 John 4:4

The LORD is my light and my salvation-- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life-- of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalms 27:1

Rest easy my friends! God has got us! 

And above all remember what the word says 

Love God with all your heart, strength, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. (Luke 10:27)

Tuesday, May 24, 2016


Who will be the examples to my child, niece, and nephews in the future? I feel like in our government and sometimes in our daily lives the good men and woman are few and far between.

The men/woman of integrity. Faith. Purpose. Drive. Love.

Integrity to me is so important. It is what I looked for in a husband. A pastor. A friend. 
the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.
synonyms:honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness
Look at those synonyms. How many people do you know that would meet that description? I do not know many.

I often think what would people see me as? Am I making a difference for God? Am I representing Christ in a way that would make someone want to know what I have in my salvation, or am I just convincing them of what some of the world thinks of Christians?

Our witness with people who come in contact with us on a daily basis are seeing what our actions are.

Are we honest? Do we stand by our convictions?

I started to write this post last month, little did I know on May 16th that a man of integrity would leave this earth to be with Jesus. This man was a my cousins husband. B was a great person and loved his family. I did not get to spend much time with him because of us living in a different state. 

However, he touched my life in a major way. When we lost Hope, as you know, we were devastated. B and my cousin had suffered a loss when their precious baby Owen went to Heaven. B wrote my Josh the sweetest message. Telling Josh he understood and that he was praying for us. That meant so much to both of us. I know they both continued to pray for us. 

When I was pregnant with E, my cousin and B drove from GA to my house (Before going to another cousins wedding) and dropped off two totes of baby stuff for me to go through. He unloaded it and was so gracious.  

At the viewing there were so many people who were grieving the loss of this great man. A man of integrity. It was standing room only. His brother shared how he would miss his infectious smile. 

His funeral was so full of loved ones and friends. Everyone touched by his kind heart. He even left a letter to be read at his funeral. His humor shown through in a big way, and he had us laughing at his jokes. 

I just seen him and my cousin a couple months ago, it just does not seem real or fair that a life was taken so young. One of those things we do not have answers to. 

After seeing and hearing of the love he had for others, the great husband-father-son-brother-friend he was... B was a man of integrity. He loved as Jesus loved. He loved God and lived his life to the fullest. 

It makes you think of your own life and what others would say about me. I would hope that people would think I was a person of integrity like B. 
My heart is broken for my cousin Kristi. She has two boys now to raise with B watching over her. Please keep her in your prayers. She lost the love of her life, and even though she knows he is with Jesus and Owen now... I'm sure she would rather have him here. 

Thank you B for loving my cousin and being a great dad to your little ones. And for being a light for Jesus. 

This is the link to the Go Fund Me page that is set up to help my cousin

Sunday, April 3, 2016

What about baby #2?

Before I even had E I was asked if we wanted another child. I remember looking at these people like they had two heads! I had not even gone through my first birth... my second baby was not on my list.

E's birth was traumatic and made me feel all sorts of fear and anxiousness at the thought of having a second baby.

Even though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I meant it when I said "We will adopt, I am not going through that again", here I am.

I brought the subject up to J around September. E was about to turn one and I was really feeling baby fever. The year had passed so fast. However we were just really starting to feel comfortable in our new roles as parents and dealing with how that changed our dynamic as a family of 2 to 3.

At first J was extremely apprehensive. For several reasons. Good reasons.

This was kind difficult to deal with. Usually J and I when it comes to big decisions are on the same page. In this instance.... we were not.

So we talked it out for a bit while we were having yet another late dinner because of his schedule and feeding Ethan who needed a night snack because we were eating.

I became a little apprehensive. I was thinking J would be so excited. I was not really sure what to do with my feelings. He loved being a dad.

After a couple days I decided to bring it up again. I was trying to act like it was okay and I understood, but I really needed to talk over it some more.

We talked it out. After some discussion I understood his feelings much better. And I was comfortable to say,"When your ready, I'll be ready"

Fast Forward to the end of October, I had really been praying about our decision to start working toward baby #2. It was on my heart for some reason, so I turned to the person who never fails me, my Lord. I turned the big 30 in October and I know every year I get older it adds more difficulty in getting pregnant.

So the time came for me to start a new pack of my  birth control. I was not really happy with the one I was one and wanted to change. So as I was discussing this with J we started talking about baby #2. He said he had been really thinking about it.

After praying together about it we decided to stop birth control. I have since went for my yearly physical and they gave me the go ahead. Since I had Ethan I have lost 20lbs. I'm working on getting to gym more.

So to those who ask all the time :) yes we are trying for baby #2.

I do not know what the future holds but I do know this, God has it. It is frightening. Maybe baby#2 comes from heart and not my womb. Adoption has always been in our plans, we just do not know what is in God's blue print.

Keep us in your prayers.

As always, I'm here if you need me.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

This was hard to write

I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way.

These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh.
Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up. 

Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I. 
I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend.
I miss being in school.
 I miss the camraderie of my cohort.
I miss being able to enjoy going to work. 

I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much.
But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to being a mom. It is hard. 

You are last in the world, or so it feels some days.
 Loneliness is a battle that you fight or at least I have.
I cannot just go to girls nights. 
Dinner and a movie.
 I don't get to just run to the store. 

I'm looked at differently and sometimes it feels I'm forgotten. 

This sounds like an awful pity party. I guess it is in some ways

All I know is some days I do not feel I have much more to give. Or what in the world was I thinking? 

there are times where my baby says momma, or just cackles at me being silly, or then I hear him call for his daddy. Or when he grabs my finger even though he can walk all by himself he needs the reassurance from me.
I look at his sleeping face and see God's

 grace, faithfulness, and love

These times I'm reminded after a day of chaos
 or when I missed another girls night, 
the laundry is piled high,
 I never got to those phone calls, 
still needing a shower, my house is cluttersville... 

The sacrifices are worth it. 

In the end God entrusted us with his son, Ethan. My actions and character will take part in molding this boy to be a man of God. That is a big job, and one I take very seriously. 

I know this isn't your typical Christmas post but sitting here now after midnight so it's officially Christmas Eve, my baby sleeping in my arms and looking at our beautiful Christmas tree, and getting a good night kiss from the love of my life... I see my very own Christmas treasure. 

As I celebrate the birth of my savior, I'm reminded the God who performed a miracle in a young virgin is the same God today, yesterday, and forever. Even in my lonely times, when tears sting my eyes from exhaustion, and when E giggles and Josh clasp my hand..
Thank you Lord.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Good-bye 2015

January 2015
February 2015
This has been such a different year! Our first year as parents and being a family of three! There have been so many memories and first. There have been some difficult times but there has been a difference in me and J.

I have felt I know God in a different way. My walk with God has a different closeness... I have a better understanding of who God is.

This year has been a personal journey of growth. Maybe not so much of an outward change but a change on the inside.

Fell asleep with Gr-grandma
March 2015
I've learned that I can be stretched more than I ever have emotionally, physically, and mentally as a parent, wife, and woman. 

This year can be summed up as being a learning year. Yeah, a learning year.. learning. Here is just a recap

1. Parenting can be tough
 2. You really can go on very little sleep

3. Nothing is more frustrating then not knowing how to help your baby when they cry and can not tell you why.
4. One of the greatest feelings is a hug from your baby boy
Learning to sit on his own
March 2015

5. Hearing my boy say "Mama" was more special than I imagined

6. When your baby learns "mama" they like to call for you.... alot.

7. Separation anxiety happens to mommy and daddy too
O and I.. she made me a Aunt Lala
April 2015

8. Sometimes it is hard to find quality time with your spouse and that is not a good thing

9. You have to choose to joy

10. Friends fail you and hurt you sometimes

11. So does family

12. You cannot stop time

13. Grief is ugly

14. God is still a God of miracles

15. It is hard to ask the tough questions

Getting hugs
May 2015
16. God is faithful, all the time.

17. I want more kids

18. My husband is truly my best friend

19. Ethan is such a personality and I believe he is going to be a little strong willed... have no idea where he gets the from (wink, wink)
20. I am blessed by great family and friends. I am very,
very rich indeed
All smiles
June 2015
First time swinging April 2015

My Momma had a real health scare this year. I was so grateful God healed her body. No cancer. No heart problems. Love you mom!  

This was a bad day for me with my PPD and he made me smile
May 2015

I am proud to say that my PPD is under control and I am able to handle my anxiety without medication. I'm really thankful for God's strength to get through this season. 

Ethan and his cousin Eli watching their favorite Yo Gabba Gabba

Gr-grandpa holding Ethan
September 2015