Friday, December 12, 2014

Not as planned

Look at that cuteness!!
I feel almost obligated to apologize to anyone who has prayed, read, or had interest in all the on goings of Aunt LaLa.... 

I had plans, big plans to record everything. Blog about all life's muses about being a new mom, new jobs, moving, family, J and Ethan. But I haven't. 

I guess any mom can relate to when you had your first baby, life changes in so many ways. Ethan has become my life, everything else I finish with the goal of getting back to play and cuddle.

Blogging has not seem that important I guess. Oh but how I love to write! 

Should I continue to blog? Where is Aunt LaLa going? Does Aunt LaLa - the name -  fit now? 

My niece and nephews are still so important to me... 

I feel like I've been in a whirlwind!

September - We had Ethan early and went into the hospital
October- Ethan came home and we adjusted to having a baby and J started a new job with a completely different schedule and driving time
November - our house gained VERY unwelcome guest, had to move suddenly with my grandparents for our saftey.. and give away one dog and our other is with my mom

And here we are in December. 

I'm so thankful, very thankful for my grandparents! This situation is short term, but I know that they are loving Ethan being here and this will make a special first Christmas for Ethan. 

It was nothing like I had planned... nothing in these last couple months has went as planned. 

It is teaching me to just accept where I am and realize there is a plan. God has me here in this time at this moment for a reason. With that said... it has been very difficult.

Faced with decisions that were hard and some choices have been out of my control... and I do not like that... 

Trusting God implicitly is difficult. It is hard to relinquish control and walk into the unknown. Now when we walk into the unknown it is with our baby boy. It is not just J and I. We have Ethan... 

Having a child brings on a whole new sense of protectiveness and weight of your decisions.

I feel we have made the best decisions for him in this situation. 

I'm not sure where God is taking our family of four. But I DO know that he has a plan. Please keep us in your prayers. 

As for this blog, I really want to make more time for it. 

That's the plan...  but we know how plans go... :)



Love 
Aunt LaLa

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

First time Mom: Exhaustion

I have been around babies and taking care of them from a very young age but there is just something different when it is your own. There is no "off day", no ending to the shift. 

When we came home from the hospital I was so excited and glad to just have my baby at home. So we were now on our own... no nurses and no doctors. Just my boy and I. J had to come pick us up and then return to work unfortunately. So Ethan and I were on our own... it was the best feeling ever. 

I was asked if I wanted anyone with me, or was I nervous... the answer to both was no. I honestly could not wait to get by myself with my new little boy. 

I knew that there would be sleepless nights. I knew that I was still recovering from surgery. I knew that Josh would be at work all day and I would be the main care taker of Ethan. Oh and do not forget hormones. 

Even though I knew that, I gained a whole different understanding of exhaustion. And I gained a whole new respect of my body. 

There was one night in the last 2 1/2 weeks (don't ask me when I'm too tired to remember) that little man was having some gas issues and was just crying so much. I had given him medicine and was rocking him, Josh was asleep and I knew he needed to be because he had to work... then it happened. Ethan and I both were crying. 

I can laugh about what a pitiful sight we were. But at the moment, I was exhausted... yet as my body wanted to just collapse I found the strength to get back up and walk around the house bouncing little man. Then when he finally passed his gas and had a dirty diaper too (yes I get excited about this, better out than in I tell ya) ...

I laid my little boy that had stopped crying on his changing table and he was just staring up at me. I had stopped crying too. He looked in my eyes and just sighed. It was a sigh of relief.. like "OK mom we made it!" I had to just smile, pick him up and give a billion+ kisses on his cute cheeks. 

At that moment I was still exhausted, but it was the best exhausted I had ever felt. 

Love 
Aunt LaLa




Tuesday, October 14, 2014

So many emotions

I have to remind myself that it is OK to feel what I feel... I've been told to give myself permission to just feel the way I do. There is no wrong or right...

I just re-read the blog from last year at the second balloon release for Hope and the other angel babies. My heart feels so overwhelmed with so many emotions.

Tomorrow is my birthday... I will be 29. I'm sitting right next to a miracle. A real, tangible, breathing miracle.

Ethan was not expected to have ever be... then when he was born it was almost as if we were going to lose him before we get to hold him...

I do not think I could ever explain the range of emotions I felt the 18 days he was in the hospital. The exhaustion I felt... the anger, hurt, sadness, grief, and absolute joy of being a mother to this beautiful creation!

Sometimes we are hardest critics... we compare ourselves to other people or to something that is intangible. Talking to a friend today I was reminded that we have such pre-notions of what we "should" be or who God is or expects us to be. I have never felt so desperate for God's mercy and grace in all my life than I have in this season.

He gave it. He was there, when I felt guilty for being angry and feeling this was all so unfair to have my miracle baby boy in the NICU and suffering.. it was unfair that I had to leave him EVERY night...

But each and every day God somehow showed me he loved me. Whether it was a kind words from the nurses or a text message. One time it was a random post on facebook. I have had people reach out to me to encourage me.. every single moment God was with me.

And he was with my baby boy. Each and every time the Dr's gave us the stats of how long or how hard something was going to be my God displayed his Glory by healing Ethan every day and showing the Dr's that Ethan Alexander is NO statistic.

I celebrate life tomorrow. Life after death. Life after trauma. Life after loss. Life with God. Life with my sweet boy. Life with my husband.

I'm thankful to God that he has been with me and given me strength, peace, joy, and healing.

I celebrate the lives that I know my friends and family will be missing tomorrow... and miss every day.

We love you Owen, Mattie, Ashton, and Hope. And to all the other babies who we met or did not meet we love you!

My prayers to all those are feeling grief from miscarriage, infant death, still born, or infertility. Sending you a big hug. God's peace, strength, and joy be with you.

Love 
Aunt LaLa


Friday, October 3, 2014

Introducing...

Ethan Alexander
9/15/2014
10 lbs. 10 oz
Going home outfit! Mommy is happy!

First day without any tubes! Love that face!

Ethan and mommies first selfie!

Daddy finally gets to hold me for the first time!

Mommy meeting Ethan for the first time
Waiting on Daddy, we are going home!!

I know you probably thought I have fell off the face of the earth but actually I was just baking a baby and actually having him! He was born on the 15th of September at 37 weeks. From birth he had several problems and we have been in the NICU for almost 3 weeks. 

I have so much I need to write.. but tonight I shall enjoy having my baby home for the first time. 

I'm completely in love with my little boy! The Lord be praised for him and healing his body!!

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

First Time Mom: Sending an SOS


So we are just passed 30 weeks heading to 31 weeks!

I cannot believe how fast all of this is flying by. It is getting closer to D-day :)

None of the women in my family have made it to 40 weeks. Only to about 37 or 38 weeks. So from ALL the information I read (Which for this over analyzing person is two books, online classes, and many articles) genetics play a big part of all  things delivery. Or I could be the odd gene out and go over 40 weeks (please NO!) ... My guess is the little mister will be here in September.

Ethan is measuring a little on the bigger side. His belly is in the 68th percentile! He will be long as well. So... yeah I'm good for 37 weeks :)

So, since this is my first time delivering a baby. There are so many options and opinions. As previously stated I've read and read. But I really want to go in informed and know what basic things to expect. I know that there is no way to know exactly what will happen.

I found several examples of birth plans, and wow! All these decisions and I know I need to be decided before I'm in the moment because it will be too overwhelming for J and I to make those decisions.

Who do you want in the room? Circumcision or no? Vaccines? Drugs? How do you want the babies heartbeat to be monitored? Are you going to eat? Not eat? Move around or not?  Episiotomy or not? Push when I feel the urge or wait to be told?

and on, on, and on...

Then we get to postpartum. Oh boy, in all honesty I'm more concerned about that then the labor. Do you know how many women talk about the first time you go #2 after labor and how scary it is!? Ugh, or how when you pee you need to have a squirt type bottle? Then there are hemorrhoids, stitches...

So you mommies that have been through this, please any tips on postpartum and what to take with me to the hospital would be greatly appreciated!

This first time mommy needs your help!




Love, 
Aunt LaLa

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Beloved


That is our Ethan! Oh my heart! He is weighing 3.1 lbs, looks great! So does mommy! Just please keep praying for us.

Love 
Aunt LaLa

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

I am DETERMINED

I am determined to be a good mother... like my mom

I have always dreamed about being a mommy. I mommied my cousins, my younger brother (still do sometimes), even my older sister. I was the one who reminded everyone of the rules, comforted them when they were in trouble or sad.

I want to just point out as I get older and I am entering this new season I am appretiating my mother more than I ever have.

When I got married and was learning to be a wife, I got a new perspective looking at my mom.

Now with Ethan coming... there is a drive inside of me that says "Protect that baby"

Growing up my mom would say frequently how she loved being a mom. That she loved her kids.

 I can remember when Susan Smith murdered her children in the 1990s. I can still see in my mind the news program when she begged the "person" who had them to bring the home. Then I remember the day when the news came that she had actually drowned her children. My mothers face was mortified then it turned to sadness. I remember her just praying aloud for the family and being so upset that a mother could do that. Hugging both my brother and I more frequently that day.

My mothers heart is a TRUE mothers heart. From correction, to hugs and kisses.

When I was about 12-14 years of age my mom and I went through such a rough spot. She was going through some tough things and so was I, our whole family was. There was not much communication and lots of hurt feelings. One night at a ladies meeting the speaker was talking about unforgiveness. Later on I went to the speaker and told her how angry and hurt I was at my mom, that I didn't want to feel that way. From across the room my mother heard my whispered words. I'm convinced God wanted to my mom to hear my words. After talking to the speaker mom motioned for me to come and sit by her.

The pin my mom gave me
My mom, in a humbled teary voice asked for my forgiveness. Explaining to me that she loved me more than herself and that she would try harder. In the same loving voice asked grace and understanding from me. I promised to do better too. Then mom gave me a pin to wear. She told me to wear it and remember that she will ALWAYS love me.

From that night on mom and I have been close. There were still the usual teen and parent conflicts occasionally, but it never was the same.

Now here I am about to embark on this journey, and I can count my mother as one of my closest friends. I can confide in her and trust her. We respect each other.

This woman instilled in me the importance of praising God through every circumstance, to pray about every situation, to put God first, and when I have children be the best mother that I can be. Those children are a gift from God and should be treated as so.

So this post is dedicated to my mother, Kathy. I love you!