It all came back...

 Hi to all those who are reading this. It was been way too long that I have gotten on here and wrote. 

I feel like this is still a viable platform for me to share my heart and also process some things in writing. 

I have not really processed things in writing like I used to.

Not to mention having a 9 and 5 year old really takey a lot of my energy :) 

I could not however let this month go by without coming on here to honor our babies... especially after this last week. 

I am just going to just jump right in. 

In the beginning of September we were approached by family about the possibility of adopting a baby. I am not going to go into all the details because it is not my story to tell. 

It is no secret that Josh and I have always had a heart for adoption even before our kids came along. Actually two months before I became pregnant with Ethan, we were in contact with an adoption agency. 

But the Lord had a different plan. 

Over the the last two years we have been praying over this very subject. So when we were approached, we prayed and talked with a few people. We decided we would proceed. 

I was there for the birth, fed the first bottle, and held that sweet baby for hours. And over the next few days we bonded and we waited for certain things and people to fall into place. 

The morning we were supposed to go to the hospital to pick up the baby I was folding baby clothes when I received the call that the family changed their mind.  

I was in shock, and disbelief. I had just seen them only hours ago, and everyone was excited that things were falling into place. 

We were heartbroken. And felt like we were on an emotional roller coaster. 

It felt like someone had gut punched me. 

That day felt like I was being thrown back into October 2016 when they told us there was no heart beat with baby Sarah. The overwhelming feeling of grief. Our children were upset. Our parents. 

But when I told the kids, we prayed together. I told them that even though this is hard, we asked God to have his way. We had to trust God. 

It was a very hard day. We decided to go get lunch and see a movie. I had been away from the kids quite a bit. And we were trying to stay preoccupied. 

I knew that I did not need to stay at home.

Our hearts are hurting, we are confused, and disappointed.

Now we are two weeks passed and not feeling so raw. My heart aches for a baby I thought we would be able to raise... And also wondering where do we go from here? 

We are not sure what we are going to do...

But we do know that God is faithful. And that we are open handed to what he has for our family. 

This failed adoption most definitely brought up some feelings and opened some wounds. 

We know that God will work out all things for our good... 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. ” Romans 8:28.

So if your walking the road of adoption, infertility, loss... Your not alone. No matter what... you have the right to feel what you feel.

And I'm praying for you... And as hard as some seasons are God doesn't waste our pain. 

Don't shut him out. Talk with him. Reach out to your people. If you do not have a supportive, healthy, Godly community... Find that.  

Here if you need me... 💙🩷

We miss you Hope and Sarah ❤️