Never dreamed...

Starting last Monday this week was a complete roller coaster. Not sure if I could ever explain to anyone how painful it has been. I've struggled with if I should write about my experience. To write about something so close to you can make you seem so vulnerable.


Writing has always helped me. I've kept a journal since I was nine. I've always been very analytical with my feelings and things going on around me. Which is why I have a journal, a prayer journal, and a blog :)


Crazy, I know. I usually don't have much time to write in any of them, but the blog. I wonder how many women suffer silently because of what this one even does to us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don't want to suffer alone. I needed to know that what I'm feeling is normal. Even though people can be very sympathetic, some seem like it is no big deal. It was a big deal. And every second with the Lords help I'm making it.


Last Monday night I had a miscarriage. Even as I type that it doesn't seem real. Josh and I made a baby. To know that makes me smile, but to lose that baby makes my heart break. No, I did not know I was pregnant. With PCOS its hard to tell because of irregularity and other hormones. Which I fight the feelings of guilt of why didn't I take a test. At the most I was 10 weeks.


 I was pregnant.


Watching and feeling my body change has been painful. Because I've noticed the things that had changed and returning to normal.


I'll be honest, I feel empty. I grieve over the baby we lost. I search for the answer and fight against this empty feeling.


I've been trying to read a book that I actually got the day after and its helped. I've only read the first chapter. But it explained the different emotions of grief. Its a roller coaster. I have random crying spells, I feel disconnected, sometimes I'm happy because I was pregnant.


Josh has been amazing. We have cried together, hugged, and spent lots of time together alone. This will make us stronger.


Being blessed with a house to rent Friday was just amazing. It was something we needed.


All week I've held on to Job 42:2

Job answered God: "I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. 

   Nothing and no one can upset your plans.

I'm holding on to that. Because even us losing our baby is in his plan for some reason. I know thats hard for some people to swallow. Trust me, I've questioned. But most of all I feel so grateful for -

not know I was pregnant. I don't think I could have handled that. Not after all we have been through. And trying to get pregnant for two years.

My pregnancy could have lasted longer. Which would have been even harder mentally and physically.

I was at home. In my own space.

That God has given me the strength to make it each day, hour, minute, second...


This is will be a long journey of healing.

But at the risk of being vulnerable I wanted to share. Maybe to help some one else. And to celebrate our baby that we never got to meet.

Our baby deserves to be honored. To me thats very important. I know it makes some uncomfortable. But when I can I will be talking about the baby. Because whether it was full term or miscarried it was still our child.

So when you pray remember us. We will be moving in to our house at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to it. And remember the both of us as we grieve.

Thank you blog friends! Sorry for such the long post.