Monday, May 21, 2012

Never dreamed...

Starting last Monday this week was a complete roller coaster. Not sure if I could ever explain to anyone how painful it has been. I've struggled with if I should write about my experience. To write about something so close to you can make you seem so vulnerable.


Writing has always helped me. I've kept a journal since I was nine. I've always been very analytical with my feelings and things going on around me. Which is why I have a journal, a prayer journal, and a blog :)


Crazy, I know. I usually don't have much time to write in any of them, but the blog. I wonder how many women suffer silently because of what this one even does to us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don't want to suffer alone. I needed to know that what I'm feeling is normal. Even though people can be very sympathetic, some seem like it is no big deal. It was a big deal. And every second with the Lords help I'm making it.


Last Monday night I had a miscarriage. Even as I type that it doesn't seem real. Josh and I made a baby. To know that makes me smile, but to lose that baby makes my heart break. No, I did not know I was pregnant. With PCOS its hard to tell because of irregularity and other hormones. Which I fight the feelings of guilt of why didn't I take a test. At the most I was 10 weeks.


 I was pregnant.


Watching and feeling my body change has been painful. Because I've noticed the things that had changed and returning to normal.


I'll be honest, I feel empty. I grieve over the baby we lost. I search for the answer and fight against this empty feeling.


I've been trying to read a book that I actually got the day after and its helped. I've only read the first chapter. But it explained the different emotions of grief. Its a roller coaster. I have random crying spells, I feel disconnected, sometimes I'm happy because I was pregnant.


Josh has been amazing. We have cried together, hugged, and spent lots of time together alone. This will make us stronger.


Being blessed with a house to rent Friday was just amazing. It was something we needed.


All week I've held on to Job 42:2



Job answered God: "I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. 


   Nothing and no one can upset your plans.

I'm holding on to that. Because even us losing our baby is in his plan for some reason. I know thats hard for some people to swallow. Trust me, I've questioned. But most of all I feel so grateful for -

not know I was pregnant. I don't think I could have handled that. Not after all we have been through. And trying to get pregnant for two years.

My pregnancy could have lasted longer. Which would have been even harder mentally and physically.

I was at home. In my own space.

That God has given me the strength to make it each day, hour, minute, second...


This is will be a long journey of healing.

But at the risk of being vulnerable I wanted to share. Maybe to help some one else. And to celebrate our baby that we never got to meet.

Our baby deserves to be honored. To me thats very important. I know it makes some uncomfortable. But when I can I will be talking about the baby. Because whether it was full term or miscarried it was still our child.

So when you pray remember us. We will be moving in to our house at the end of the month. I'm looking forward to it. And remember the both of us as we grieve.

Thank you blog friends! Sorry for such the long post.


12 comments:

  1. My heart hurts for you granddaughter. You and Josh face some trying times but I am so glad that the Lord carries you both through the valleys. I love you.

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  2. Lauren, so sorry to hear about your loss! You and your husband will be in my prayers. When God is ready, He will give you both another child...all in His time. I have been on the roller coaster ride of trying to have a baby...my husband and I were married about the same time as you both...around 5 years, maybe 6, when we had our first one. Both of our children were miracles...will have to tell you the story sometime! :)

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    1. Thank you for the encouraging words Barbara! We will have to have some girl time at the retreat! :)

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  3. This has been one of the most emotional weeks of our young married lives but with God we will make it baby. So many questions have entered my thoughts but I am trying to remember He is in control. I love you!

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    1. Yes he is sweet heart. Love you with all my heart

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  4. my baby's baby; I didn't get to hold you, but I will in heaven
    I didn't get to see you , but I will in heaven
    I didn't get to kiss you all over your beautiful little face, but I will in heaven
    I know That God has a plan and you were in it, but I will know that plan in heaven.
    your mommy and daddy are the best, but you already know this in heaven.
    memaw is ready one day to meet my grandbaby that makes tears fall down my cheeks, one day in heaven.
    I love you little one, as I loved your mommy before she was born.
    goodbye for now, until we meet in heaven.
    Love, Memaw, who one day will be in heaven
    with you.


    All my Love to your mommy and daddy.....praying for peace.

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  5. James and Donna LawsonMay 22, 2012 at 7:07 AM

    When you told us, I think we went into some kind of protective shock and we never shed tears at that time because it was our way of trying to protect and shelter the both of you.. This was our FIRST grandbaby and we would never get to know it, never know if it was a boy or girl, both would have been loved by us so very much, so the gender was unimportant as far as the loving it goes... BUT, we will now never know if our first grandbaby would have been a precious little girl like you or a little boy just like Josh.. We had no preferences, either would have been loved and loved more than anyone would know until they seen it in action.. We are the best at loving, spoiling, playing with and helping raise babies.. We have had the experience only the one time, when Josh was born.. I never thought of having children for the first 13 years of out married life, until I got pregnant, then I would have had 10 more if I possibly could...

    After you guys told us that night, we never said much, after all it was our first time of being grandparents and then losing the chance to love and hold another baby that would also have been part of us was devastating.. After you left, James stayed in the living room and I went to my computer to try and lose myself in what we had just went through.. Our house was very quiet that night but James did his crying in the living room and I did mine while sitting at my computer.. We would talk a few minutes and then get lost in our thoughts again over and over all night and all day the next day.. We had thoughts of, "what was it, a baby girl" or would I get to "help love and raise another little boy" again... "What would it's name have been?? "Should it have a birthday" "should we celebrate", thoughts that seemed to go on and on forever, they are still in our minds.. I only thought to hug you when you told us, then after a couple of minutes, the thought hit me, "My son lost his baby, it wasn't just something you were going through, Josh was hurting too, that is why I got up and hugged him also.. Josh lost his baby just a few days before his own birthday, so I know you will always remember it and always hurt..

    I know that all things happen for good when God is in control and He is in control.. We really don't know how to act or respond to a situation like this but you guys know that we are here for you at all times.. God will Bless you again and it will work out just fine, I have Faith, you guys will be parents and we will be the spoiling grandparents, but there will always be the thought of our FIRST grandbaby, she or he was real and if you choose to celebrate the life or grieve the life of the baby, we are here for you.. We hurt either way, just remember, we are here for the both of you, but it will be your choice to talk about it or not, I don't like to open any old or new wounds but will talk at any time you choose to.. James and Donna Lawson or as we will one day be called, Papaw and Mamaw..

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