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Showing posts from 2016

Is this the answer?

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My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it?

When I wrote No Answers I was in a rough place.

This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial.

At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line.

Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness.

I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds.

I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian. 

A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind.

We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved.

A little child burned

Children taken from their mother

My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year....

My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed...

We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby

I know I am not alone in saying 2016 has been a rough …

No Answers

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby.

At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh.

We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant.

We did. Then we lost our baby.

I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life.

Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too.

I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying.

I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard.

We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO.

I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him.

Today while I was fixing E breakfast …

Nine Years

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Today I celebrate an answered prayer. 
I started to pray for my future spouse at fourteen. That may seem young to you and it was young. 
But from a very young age (obviously)  I dreamed of my prince Charming...to feel those butterflies that all those romantic movies gave me with a real person. 
As I grew older I desperately wanted someone to love me... 
I wanted someone who would take care of me, who loved me for me.
Not what I could give them. 
I wrote about how Josh and I met and you can read all that HERE
Today it has been nine years that I said 'I do' to the Love of my life. 
We had a whirlwind romance and it swept us up and carried us quickly to the alter
Four months actually from our first date we were on our honeymoon. 
I know that there were naysayers, and I know that some had doubts. 
That is okay. 
Because Josh and I knew we were meant to be. We knew God put us together. 
We have went through some really tough stuff. 
We have lost jobs... friends... our babies...
We…

He knew what I needed

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Happy Thanksgiving readers wherever you are.
As your reading this I'm celebrating with my family.
I said in my last post that I was working on a post about how God once again let me know "his eye is on the sparrow"
A couple weeks ago I was honored to fill in singing on our worship team. I love each opportunity that God gives me to use the gifts he has given me
Right before service started I stopped to talk to a young lady who often comes to our church. She had brought her newborn niece with her. Instantly I asked if I could hold her.
The moment that little girl was in my arms, something inside me broke. Not necessarily in a bad way but more of a wall grief had come crashing down.
In that instant I knew I wanted a baby again.
I want to hold our baby in my arms and cover her face with kisses.
This overwhelming feeling had me in tears... Struggling not to sob I headed to the stage and worshipped. I sang with all my heart.
After church I told Josh what I felt. We crie…

What to say, what to say

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Wow, what a crazy couple weeks.

I cannot even begin to tell you how my view of individuals have changed since the dreaded election.

Don't groan or roll your eyes this will not be a political post I have seen too many as you have.

My heart has hurt because of the hate, arguing, division...

Boy oh boy...

That's all I got to say about that... as Forest said.

I want to make a difference. I have been thinking a lot about what that means for me.

I have a college degree and I have passion. A passion to help people.

I have been working on a project that I am really excited about and I hope to be able to get it done... I  will tell let you know when I finish.

I am hoping that something comes of it.

Thanksgiving is next week! I cannot believe that.

We have our first play practice this Sunday and we are putting up our tree afterward.

The plan was to put it up before this, but we moved to the first floor of our apartment building.

For several reasons. But that is for another …

Joy Comes in the Morning

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I felt like writing this post because as any one who has walked through grief knows that it is UP and DOWN daily So today was an UP day for me. 
Friday night was an ugly night. I was having a good day mostly. Very busy. 
I had volunteered at our church's food pantry which I LOVE. I have not been able to because almost everyone in my family works.. so no babysitter. 
Had to pick up my gorgeous niece and nephew from school. 
But I started to get really sad. I had to tell two more people that we had lost our "little Bit" 
Yesterday was two weeks since I had the D and C... it is not like I am trying to focus on dates it is just hard not for that thought of... Tuesday will be three weeks... three weeks since I seen my baby on the ultrasound... and so on. And it was the same with Hope. Those first, the holidays, the milestones. 
So last night I was cooking... and I just broke. Ugly, gut wrenching, bending over crying. Trying to hide it from E. 
My heart was just hurting and I…

And it goes on

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"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5

This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to.

Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way. 

Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before. 

Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard. 

Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things. 

Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me. 

My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression. 

All with in a months time I found out I …

I did not want to write this...again

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I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis.

On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions.






We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone.

But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook.

I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks.

So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray.

My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited.












So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat. 
As soon as I seen the sac, I knew. 
The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger. 
I felt a rush of anxiousness. 
I knew, I just knew. 
Josh sat there held my hand. 
We both were in shock. 
Our "Little Bit" was gone
I just don't have words t…

HOPE

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*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) .

As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out.

I just cried. Cried hard.

My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time.

I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh.

Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches.

Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.

1 in 4 women shar…

Chill Out

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Whew. Our world, society, and the issues around us have me spinning. Until a few days ago really trying to grasp on to something steady.

My little world is most certainly being effected. I'm seeing family members of my blood relatives and my Christian family standing on opposing sides. Both sides making valid points. Our media fueling the tearing down of any unity we have. Red, yellow, black, white, blue.... Hilary or Trump.

Frankly it is too much. In my own personal opinion Facebook is becoming a breading ground for hurt, disapointment, and anger. A place where we can freely feel brave behind a computer and bash something or somebody without thought of "I'm going to see this person face to face tomorrow"


The hypocrisy of our leaders or future leaders makes me sick.

What can I do? I'm a Geargia preach that is now an East Tennessean. A SAHM. No political background. No platform (so to speak).

But I have this blog, I have my faith.

To be completely honest with you …

Integrity

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Who will be the examples to my child, niece, and nephews in the future? I feel like in our government and sometimes in our daily lives the good men and woman are few and far between.
The men/woman of integrity. Faith. Purpose. Drive. Love.
Integrity to me is so important. It is what I looked for in a husband. A pastor. A friend.  Integrity the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. synonyms:honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness Look at those synonyms. How many people do you know that would meet that description? I do not know many.
I often think what would people see me as? Am I making a difference for God? Am I representing Christ in a way that would make someone want to know what I have in my salvation, or am I just convincing them of what some of the world thinks of Christians?
Our witness wit…

What about baby #2?

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Before I even had E I was asked if we wanted another child. I remember looking at these people like they had two heads! I had not even gone through my first birth... my second baby was not on my list.
E's birth was traumatic and made me feel all sorts of fear and anxiousness at the thought of having a second baby.

Even though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I meant it when I said "We will adopt, I am not going through that again", here I am.

I brought the subject up to J around September. E was about to turn one and I was really feeling baby fever. The year had passed so fast. However we were just really starting to feel comfortable in our new roles as parents and dealing with how that changed our dynamic as a family of 2 to 3.

At first J was extremely apprehensive. For several reasons. Good reasons.

This was kind difficult to deal with. Usually J and I when it comes to big decisions are on the same page. In this instance.... we were not.

So we talked it out for …

This was hard to write

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I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way.
These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh. Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up. 
Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I.  I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend. I miss being in school.  I miss the camraderie of my cohort. I miss being able to enjoy going to work. 
I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much. But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to being a mom. It is hard. 
You are…

Good-bye 2015

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This has been such a different year! Our first year as parents and being a family of three! There have been so many memories and first. There have been some difficult times but there has been a difference in me and J.
I have felt I know God in a different way. My walk with God has a different closeness... I have a better understanding of who God is.
This year has been a personal journey of growth. Maybe not so much of an outward change but a change on the inside.
I've learned that I can be stretched more than I ever have emotionally, physically, and mentally as a parent, wife, and woman. 
This year can be summed up as being a learning year. Yeah, a learning year.. learning. Here is just a recap
1. Parenting can be tough  2. You really can go on very little sleep
3. Nothing is more frustrating then not knowing how to help your baby when they cry and can not tell you why. 4. One of the greatest feelings is a hug from your baby boy


5. Hearing my boy say "Mama" was more spec…