*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) .

As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out.

I just cried. Cried hard.

My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time.

I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh.

Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches.

Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day.

1 in 4 women share the same scar I have.

Each of us have a story. Some of us were able to have our rainbow babies, some never did. Some clung to the children they had already been blessed with. Some delivered their babies, but did not get to take them home.

No matter the story we all share a loss... a loss of a dream we once had. You grieve your baby. No matter size from weeks to infant. It is a traumatic loss.

When I had Ethan, God healed my heart. He gave me my miracle that I thought I would never have.

Remembering all of our babies, we love you and miss you
I never thought my story would help others, it did not occur to me on May 15, 2012 that God was building a testimony.

But he was and is still doing.

I wrote before how I had a choice, a choice to stay in my pit of despair, anger, depression, grief...or I could choose  to live. To really live.

I chose to live, and to share my story.

My heart breaks for my friends and any woman who is suffering from infertility... not only infertility but loss. Oh that pain that you feel.

That journey can be a lonely and dark one.


You could make the choice (not an easy one) to live.

It was not easy. I won't pretend that it was a short journey to find my freedom. But it came.

I started to be a better wife, friend, and woman of God.

God does not expect us not to hurt from what we went through. Those scars are meant for us to draw from so that we are able to help others.

To use our testimony to give others hope, encouragement, and for them to know "You are not alone"

No, I have not forgot about my precious little one that got to be with Jesus before me...but I will use her short life to reach others for the Glory of God.

I love you, yes you, the one who is crying with me reading this. I am sorry you are hurting. And I am praying for you.

OXOX, Lauren

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Hope's Balloon Release #2


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