Aunt LaLa

I probably shouldn't try and write this late (only past 11). It's late for me. Not sure how to even write all that I feel. It is almost like I've been avoiding sitting down and writing how I feel. Because honestly I have not even allowed myself to stop and "feel".  For one, the people that I love most in my life have had some major life stressors, which with my 'super hero' 'I can take of everyone' 'I have control over everything' personality has added stress to my life. None of it being thrown on me with out my consent mind you.  Father-in-law's life threatening surgery was a BIG deal. I watched people I love go through so many emotions before, during, and after surgery. I watched my husband internalize all his emotions and trying not to worry so that he could work and take care of us. I watched as my mother-in-law faced losing the love of her life. All of this chipping away little by little on my composure. I dove int...

I wonder if people realized how clumsy or awkward I am?  I'm a pretty confident person and I'm pretty comfortable with myself.  Occasionally the insecurity will creep up. I feel out of place and different.  For instance here are a few awkward or clumsy things about my self... ~ I laugh at the most inappropriate times. I have done this since I was a kids. I chuckle, its a deep throaty chuckle too! Ok, maybe not deep or that throaty... Anyway like yesterday as I am sitting listening to the dangers of my FIL's surgery I start to chuckle at random things the Dr says.  Oh boy... ~ When I'm at the grocery store and someone is coming at me in the same direction I get over as soon as they do then we both go back and forth... I can't stay still. I over correct only to make a really awkward encounter.  ~Oh the plethora of stories I could tell you of me slipping, tripping, diving to the floor, and falling on my butt! Ones of tripping at a gas stati...

It's so hard to concentrate on work or school while I'm fighting these spiritual battle. I went to a grief and loss session and so much came out of me I didn't even realize was there. A big hugs boulder in my life that I chained myself to that was literally sucking the life out of me. Its been a crazy time. I am working through it. So bare with me, as I am feeling a tad overwhelmed with it all. I've made yet another resolution to my attempt at processing my grief. I'm only taking one day at a time. Don't tell me to be strong, because right now its ok if I'm not. I've posted several times about being an expert at " Pushdownism ". And if I continue with that state of mind I'm going to be even more unhealthy then I was before losing Hope. I'm working on not comparing. Comparing how much better of a mom I would be then so and so. My heart cries out "God! I've been faithful to you! Why must I suf...

The Lord is just so amazing. I love how he knows my heart better then I do. When I have no answers he has them all... I've mentioned in another post HERE  , where I talk about Pushdownism. (Its a real condition I tell ya!) So the reason I'm visiting this place is again... I'm guilty of it... again. Last night was corporate prayer. It was wonderful.  Backup a bit *BBEEEPP, BEEEP!*  =) This past weekend was filled with an array of different things. One of the major things was my little nephew Eli had to have tubes. Which is a common procedure. But obviously we all couldn't help feeling a little pins and needles. So I got to have my niece spend the night with us because the surgery was so early. Which was just a BLAST!! She is so cute! Then there is another issue I can't really go into but it is involving two persons I love dearly. I'm worry about both being harmed because of one of the persons lifestyle. AND there is nothing I can do until ...

Yes, here it is again "Thoughtful Thursday" ... As I fight the feelings to blog in this day, I remind myself, 'Lauren, you started Thoughtful Thursday'... *Smile* Yes I know. But you see I am a master of  "Pushdownism". Yes, this condition is unlike any other. You see this particular condition is when someone who analyzes, is sensitive, carries everyone weight- they go about life with so much feeling and passion but try to push it down  because sometimes its just to hard to face those real emotions. This is dangerous you see because usually what happens is after taking care of EVERYONE else they don't deal with what has made them angry, upset, hurt, disappointed... the list goes on, this persons spouse notices and asks what wrong, that my friends is when the dam breaks... Well introducing the #1 lady with "Pushdownism"... ME!! Yes, I suffer from this. One of the prayers I pray often is that God would help me love like him, let my actions ...