I probably shouldn't try and write this late (only past 11). It's late for me.
Not sure how to even write all that I feel. It is almost like I've been avoiding sitting down and writing how I feel. Because honestly I have not even allowed myself to stop and "feel".
For one, the people that I love most in my life have had some major life stressors, which with my 'super hero' 'I can take of everyone' 'I have control over everything' personality has added stress to my life.
None of it being thrown on me with out my consent mind you.
Father-in-law's life threatening surgery was a BIG deal. I watched people I love go through so many emotions before, during, and after surgery. I watched my husband internalize all his emotions and trying not to worry so that he could work and take care of us. I watched as my mother-in-law faced losing the love of her life. All of this chipping away little by little on my composure. I dove into helping my family, I was relieved to have something to do that could ease any burden that I could. (I praise God for being with us. My FIL was actually released by his heart surgeon today! )
In the middle of this a certain family member was/is in a very bad "way". And there are children involved whom I love dearly. And I can not help them at this I can only pray.
|My grandmother (Right) and my Great-aunt Chris|
My grandmother breaking a bone in her foot. Not being able to help as much as I wanted. My heart breaking for her because she is confined, and NONE of the women in our family do well with that. Then unfortunately last Wednesday my grandmother lost on of her sisters. My great-aunt Chris was a sweet heart and I wish I had known her better. It breaks your heart to see the ones you love hurting. And there is nothing you can do besides just be there.
Then the next day (Thursday) my mother had surgery to remove her gallbladder. Everyone was saying it was easy, simple, nothing to worry about. Well it is not everyday that MY mom goes to surgery. I held my composure and to be honest with you did not really think it affected me that much.
I raced around Thursday after waiting at the hospital with my dad, got mom home, left after mom and dad were settled only to run in the house for literally 7 minutes to shower and get ready. Because that night I had a presentation which involved lecturing a part of a chapter in Community Psychology. I prayed for strength and God was there. I felt it. It was probably one of my best presentations yet. I know the Holy Spirit was with me.
Well I got through that. I was fine. I was going home to pack for my Friday early morning trip to GA to attend my great-aunt funeral and be there in place of my mom.
We got out of class early, I was going to have dinner with Josh. I get home and Josh informs that we can not have breakfast together before I leave (he could not travel with me due to work) and I found out we would be staying an additional day if I went on the trip.
My friends that was it. I felt so torn. I felt completely and totally exhausted. Here I was torn between being there for my grandmother who I adore and my mother who is one my dearest friends... And I could not take care of both. Then you add everything else up.... oh boy
Let me just tell you what happened next was not pretty. And I was out of control. It was probably one of the worst anxiety episodes I have had in a long time. No reasoning was calming me down. Josh tried to talk to me and pray with me. It was plain awful. So being the great husband that he is, Josh took control.
Called my aunt and explained I was in no shape to travel or be away from home at that point. Of course she understood, my grandmother understood.
Me... yeah I didn't. I was so mad that I could not get a grip. I felt like a failure.
I did calm down, and the next day Josh gave me strict instructions to have what the psychology people like to call a "Mental Wellness Day". I had pushed myself to my limits. With care taking, school, work, Josh.. just everything.
I did. I've read 3 books that had nothing to with anything but my enjoyment!
I was convicted so strongly Sunday... I had fallen into an old habit of mine. Taking control and forgetting that I serve a very big God. He loves my family more than I do. Something else...
I CANNOT HELP/SAVE/COUNSEL EVERYONE!
It is not my job.
Can I serve? Yes. But I must remember to allow God to lead not me. And to take of myself. Which I am not good at doing. I realized this in a big way. I was simply emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted.
So my anxiety is still up, but I'm better. Just remember me in your prayers.
Also please pray for my grieving family, my family who are recovering, and family who I haven't mentioned that truly need a life change.