Saturday, December 24, 2016

Is this the answer?

My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it?

When I wrote No Answers I was in a rough place.

This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial.

At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line.

Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness.

I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds.

I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian. 

A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind.

We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved.

A little child burned

Children taken from their mother

My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year....

My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed...

We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby

I know I am not alone in saying 2016 has been a rough year.

The final straw that broke me and made me feel defeated were the wild fires here in East Tennessee.

This is my home. There was so much loss, death, and devastation. I cried for two days. We have so many memories in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge. I felt there was devastation all around me.

There for a minute (more like a few weeks) , the enemy had me. He had me believing there was no use, he had  me doubting everything I stand for, he had me wondering what is the point?, that I was never going to feel happy again...

I think the most awful feeling is being disconnected with God.

Doubting him. and not just a thought here or there but it started to take root.

I was standing in Sunday services and crying because I just needed God's help. I wanted to have these weights off my shoulders and legs.

I had a baby boy watching me and a husband who needs me. I could not abandon the one thing that has always sustained me...

Then something happened.

Our church put on a Christmas play, and it was actually written as a joint effort. Everyone collaborated and added their own take on the character they were playing.

I wrote two scenes toward the end of the play.

I wanted to write something that would be meaningful since I was playing the Christian trying to encourage others during a tragedy. The scene I wrote involved a the principle who was an atheist because of her being sexually assaulted as a young girl... she wondered where God was... this is a snippet of that scene...

DEVILLE: Then you explain to me where God was when I was just a young girl? When I was brutally attacked? Where was He then? I’ll tell you, He was nowhere and my innocence was stolen. I knew after that there was no loving God.
 MRS. LAWSON: I am so sorry that happened to you. I cannot tell you that I understand God's ways. His ways are not our own. But there is evil in this world and sometimes we come in contact with darkest of it. But when I lost my baby...
 DEVILLE: Your Baby?
MRS. LAWSON: Yes, my baby. I felt lost and hopeless. I questioned everything. But I was reminded of Christ and his disciples. And all they suffered in the name of God. Not turning their backs when they face persecution and death. Then I remembered all the other times I had seen God's hand in my life.
 DEVILLE: I heard the scripture that Janice quoted, has it been like that for you?
MRS. LAWSON: At first it wasn't but God restored my heart. And once I took the step toward healing, only then the burden of grief and heartache was replaced with peace and joy again.
DEVILLE: I do want that, but I just don't know that I’m ready and quite honestly, I don't know if God will even want to hear me.
MRS. LAWSON: He still loves you, he has never left. He is waiting for you and all you have to do is ask him

My dear friend played Deville, and I was Mrs. Lawson. Both of were telling real stories and real feelings... and we were both in tears. The moment this scene happened I felt something deep in my soul. When I made the proclamation of giving it to God and in return he gave me peace and joy again... I felt the weights leave.

It was a powerful moment for us both. And I know God ordained that moment... not only that moment but the whole play.

At the end of the play characters came to surrender their lives to Christ at the alter... which moved others in the audience to come as well. At the alter it hit me... I felt God healing me heart. I felt his presence around me. And he sent a friend to pray with me and I felt renewed again.

James 1:2-7
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. 

I felt HOPE.  This scripture is one I've heard a million times, I have taught on it, I have qouted it. But as I felt God show me what to write he brought some things to my attention. One very big thing.. in verse 6 it says if you have doubt you are like wave tossed by the wind... I was feeling that way. The doubt and hopelessness I felt made me feel lost... a wave has no aim it is just moved by the wind.  Here and there. No purpose.

That is how I felt...

But not anymore!

Did you know my grandfather was healed from cancer this year?
Did you know someone gave us a car this year?
And when that one did not work God opened a door for us to get a great SUV?
Did you know that my brother got engaged to a wonderful girl?
Did you know that my non verbal autistic nephew asked for me?!
Did you know that I watched my 8 year old niece pray for her dad?
Did you know that our very dear friends are going to foster to adopt?
Did you know that a little girl is safer now?

He has provided, healed, delivered, saved, rescued.... Yes we faced some tough stuff. But even in the darkness he is our light.

Does it still hurt? Yes. Will I still cry? Yes.

But oh my dear friends, I have never been more thankful than I am this Christmas!

We have a savior who offers us so much more than this world

Merry Christmas my readers!!! I Love you! I really do. I pray 2017 would be better and you would be closer to him who saves us.... in him is where our HOPE is and forever will be!

He is my answer to this life. He can be yours too.

All my love,






Thursday, December 22, 2016

No Answers

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby.

At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh.

We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant.

We did. Then we lost our baby.

I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life.

Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too.

I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying.

I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard.

We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO.

I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him.

Today while I was fixing E breakfast I had a thought...

Why, if I was just going to lose Little Bit, did you want us to get pregnant again?

That made no sense to me.

I can honestly say over coming my anger has been difficult. I have really felt disgust.

I have no answers...

It does seem cruel to me.

I am just being honest.

Angry...hurt...bitter...broken...alone...

All feelings that I have tried so hard to battle....But God had his own lesson for me to learn and he taught me through our Christmas play at church...

I started this post before our Christmas play at church... and so this is just part one. I plan to post the second part to this on Christmas Eve.

Please read it. I know that God has all this interwoven together for a reason.

Before I end this I am going to leave you with this scripture... a scripture that is tough to swallow.


James 1:2-8New King James Version (NKJV

My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Nine Years

Today I celebrate an answered prayer. 

I started to pray for my future spouse at fourteen. That may seem young to you and it was young. 

But from a very young age (obviously)  I dreamed of my prince Charming...to feel those butterflies that all those romantic movies gave me with a real person. 

As I grew older I desperately wanted someone to love me... 

I wanted someone who would take care of me, who loved me for me.

Not what I could give them. 

I wrote about how Josh and I met and you can read all that HERE

Today it has been nine years that I said 'I do' to the Love of my life. 

We had a whirlwind romance and it swept us up and carried us quickly to the alter

Four months actually from our first date we were on our honeymoon. 

I know that there were naysayers, and I know that some had doubts. 

That is okay. 

Because Josh and I knew we were meant to be. We knew God put us together. 

We have went through some really tough stuff. 

We have lost jobs... friends... our babies...

We have been victorious and gained better jobs... our precious son... greater relationships

But here we are on the other side of our trials and joys and we stand strong. 

Through our greatest trials we have clung on to each other and most importantly we have kept God first. 

I pray that my single friends and family find this kind of love that we have. 

But be prepared... fight for it... learn... communicate...compromise

Josh is one my greatest blessings. I love him and he is my best friend... 

He encourages me in all decisions, he works hard to support his family. 

He is gentle but manly all in one. 

I kind of adore him. 

I love his jokes that usually no one gets to hear 
I love the way he pesters me - mostly
I love his bear hugs
I love spirit
I love his commitment to God

He is an amazing daddy. 

And after this year I am not taking anything for granted. 

I really and truly can say that 14 year old girl back in 1999 got her prince Charming...

Happy Anniversary my Love!! oxoxox