Saturday, January 23, 2016

This was hard to write

I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way.

These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh.
Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up. 

Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I. 
I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend.
I miss being in school.
 I miss the camraderie of my cohort.
I miss being able to enjoy going to work. 

I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much.
But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to being a mom. It is hard. 

You are last in the world, or so it feels some days.
 Loneliness is a battle that you fight or at least I have.
I cannot just go to girls nights. 
Dinner and a movie.
 I don't get to just run to the store. 

I'm looked at differently and sometimes it feels I'm forgotten. 

This sounds like an awful pity party. I guess it is in some ways

All I know is some days I do not feel I have much more to give. Or what in the world was I thinking? 

there are times where my baby says momma, or just cackles at me being silly, or then I hear him call for his daddy. Or when he grabs my finger even though he can walk all by himself he needs the reassurance from me.
I look at his sleeping face and see God's

 grace, faithfulness, and love

These times I'm reminded after a day of chaos
 or when I missed another girls night, 
the laundry is piled high,
 I never got to those phone calls, 
still needing a shower, my house is cluttersville... 

The sacrifices are worth it. 

In the end God entrusted us with his son, Ethan. My actions and character will take part in molding this boy to be a man of God. That is a big job, and one I take very seriously. 

I know this isn't your typical Christmas post but sitting here now after midnight so it's officially Christmas Eve, my baby sleeping in my arms and looking at our beautiful Christmas tree, and getting a good night kiss from the love of my life... I see my very own Christmas treasure. 

As I celebrate the birth of my savior, I'm reminded the God who performed a miracle in a young virgin is the same God today, yesterday, and forever. Even in my lonely times, when tears sting my eyes from exhaustion, and when E giggles and Josh clasp my hand..
Thank you Lord.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Good-bye 2015

January 2015
February 2015
This has been such a different year! Our first year as parents and being a family of three! There have been so many memories and first. There have been some difficult times but there has been a difference in me and J.

I have felt I know God in a different way. My walk with God has a different closeness... I have a better understanding of who God is.

This year has been a personal journey of growth. Maybe not so much of an outward change but a change on the inside.

Fell asleep with Gr-grandma
March 2015
I've learned that I can be stretched more than I ever have emotionally, physically, and mentally as a parent, wife, and woman. 

This year can be summed up as being a learning year. Yeah, a learning year.. learning. Here is just a recap

1. Parenting can be tough
 2. You really can go on very little sleep

3. Nothing is more frustrating then not knowing how to help your baby when they cry and can not tell you why.
4. One of the greatest feelings is a hug from your baby boy
Learning to sit on his own
March 2015

5. Hearing my boy say "Mama" was more special than I imagined

6. When your baby learns "mama" they like to call for you.... alot.

7. Separation anxiety happens to mommy and daddy too
O and I.. she made me a Aunt Lala
April 2015

8. Sometimes it is hard to find quality time with your spouse and that is not a good thing

9. You have to choose to joy

10. Friends fail you and hurt you sometimes

11. So does family

12. You cannot stop time

13. Grief is ugly

14. God is still a God of miracles

15. It is hard to ask the tough questions

Getting hugs
May 2015
16. God is faithful, all the time.

17. I want more kids

18. My husband is truly my best friend

19. Ethan is such a personality and I believe he is going to be a little strong willed... have no idea where he gets the from (wink, wink)
20. I am blessed by great family and friends. I am very,
very rich indeed
All smiles
June 2015
First time swinging April 2015

My Momma had a real health scare this year. I was so grateful God healed her body. No cancer. No heart problems. Love you mom!  

This was a bad day for me with my PPD and he made me smile
May 2015

I am proud to say that my PPD is under control and I am able to handle my anxiety without medication. I'm really thankful for God's strength to get through this season. 

Ethan and his cousin Eli watching their favorite Yo Gabba Gabba

Gr-grandpa holding Ethan
September 2015