I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way.
These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh.
Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up.
Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I.
I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend.
I miss being in school.
I miss the camraderie of my cohort.
I miss being able to enjoy going to work.
I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much.
But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to being a mom. It is hard.
You are last in the world, or so it feels some days.
Loneliness is a battle that you fight or at least I have.
I cannot just go to girls nights.
Dinner and a movie.
I don't get to just run to the store.
I'm looked at differently and sometimes it feels I'm forgotten.
This sounds like an awful pity party. I guess it is in some ways
All I know is some days I do not feel I have much more to give. Or what in the world was I thinking?
there are times where my baby says momma, or just cackles at me being silly, or then I hear him call for his daddy. Or when he grabs my finger even though he can walk all by himself he needs the reassurance from me.
I look at his sleeping face and see God's
grace, faithfulness, and love.
These times I'm reminded after a day of chaos
or when I missed another girls night,
the laundry is piled high,
I never got to those phone calls,
still needing a shower, my house is cluttersville...
The sacrifices are worth it.
In the end God entrusted us with his son, Ethan. My actions and character will take part in molding this boy to be a man of God. That is a big job, and one I take very seriously.
I know this isn't your typical Christmas post but sitting here now after midnight so it's officially Christmas Eve, my baby sleeping in my arms and looking at our beautiful Christmas tree, and getting a good night kiss from the love of my life... I see my very own Christmas treasure.
As I celebrate the birth of my savior, I'm reminded the God who performed a miracle in a young virgin is the same God today, yesterday, and forever. Even in my lonely times, when tears sting my eyes from exhaustion, and when E giggles and Josh clasp my hand..
Thank you Lord.