This was hard to write

I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way.

These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh.
Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up. 

Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I. 
I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend.
I miss being in school.
 I miss the camraderie of my cohort.
I miss being able to enjoy going to work. 

I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much.
But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to being a mom. It is hard. 

You are last in the world, or so it feels some days.
 Loneliness is a battle that you fight or at least I have.
I cannot just go to girls nights. 
Dinner and a movie.
 I don't get to just run to the store. 

I'm looked at differently and sometimes it feels I'm forgotten. 

This sounds like an awful pity party. I guess it is in some ways

All I know is some days I do not feel I have much more to give. Or what in the world was I thinking? 

Then 
there are times where my baby says momma, or just cackles at me being silly, or then I hear him call for his daddy. Or when he grabs my finger even though he can walk all by himself he needs the reassurance from me.
I look at his sleeping face and see God's

 grace, faithfulness, and love

These times I'm reminded after a day of chaos
 or when I missed another girls night, 
the laundry is piled high,
 I never got to those phone calls, 
still needing a shower, my house is cluttersville... 

The sacrifices are worth it. 

In the end God entrusted us with his son, Ethan. My actions and character will take part in molding this boy to be a man of God. That is a big job, and one I take very seriously. 

I know this isn't your typical Christmas post but sitting here now after midnight so it's officially Christmas Eve, my baby sleeping in my arms and looking at our beautiful Christmas tree, and getting a good night kiss from the love of my life... I see my very own Christmas treasure. 

As I celebrate the birth of my savior, I'm reminded the God who performed a miracle in a young virgin is the same God today, yesterday, and forever. Even in my lonely times, when tears sting my eyes from exhaustion, and when E giggles and Josh clasp my hand..
Thank you Lord.

Comments

  1. Beautiful, weell said and understood. As a mom, you wear many hats, I must say, you wear them all well. Love you.

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  3. Not sure I understand,I married so young and had kids so young it was hard to remember life without them. But life is tough and rewarding all at the same time. Anytime you want to have some free time I can keep Ethan for you. As soon as the weather is tolerable that is. Haha I Really hope Josh can get on a different shift. Two days off in roll is nice but then leaves some long days for you after. I think this would help you a lot. Love you lots

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  4. Not sure I understand,I married so young and had kids so young it was hard to remember life without them. But life is tough and rewarding all at the same time. Anytime you want to have some free time I can keep Ethan for you. As soon as the weather is tolerable that is. Haha I Really hope Josh can get on a different shift. Two days off in roll is nice but then leaves some long days for you after. I think this would help you a lot. Love you lots

    ReplyDelete
  5. It is a difficult job, I felt overwhelmed many times as a mom (different phases of my children's growth). I wanted to break down, more than a few times. The strange thing is my love for my children was always so strong, that it literally picked me up to keep moving on, pushing through. I truly believe the Holy Spirit was always reminding me that my babies were royalty, and I was blessed to have them. I was honored and commanded to take care of these beautiful beings. Loving them, praying for them. So being wore out, eyes full of tears, heart heavy, anxiety kicking my butt, self pity overwhelming me...I prayed, I got up. THEN and only then I felt strong, able to leap tall buildings (toys, dirty clothes piles) in a single bound, I hugged, I kissed my princesses and prince. Now my journey isvwoth grandchildren that I help my son raise. I still feel overwhelmed, tired (more tired cause I am way older), but able to pray as I am blessed with royalty of the High King. I love you princess Lauren and so amazed at the mom of a prince you have become. We are blessed beyond measure.....

    ReplyDelete
  6. It is a difficult job, I felt overwhelmed many times as a mom (different phases of my children's growth). I wanted to break down, more than a few times. The strange thing is my love for my children was always so strong, that it literally picked me up to keep moving on, pushing through. I truly believe the Holy Spirit was always reminding me that my babies were royalty, and I was blessed to have them. I was honored and commanded to take care of these beautiful beings. Loving them, praying for them. So being wore out, eyes full of tears, heart heavy, anxiety kicking my butt, self pity overwhelming me...I prayed, I got up. THEN and only then I felt strong, able to leap tall buildings (toys, dirty clothes piles) in a single bound, I hugged, I kissed my princesses and prince. Now my journey isvwoth grandchildren that I help my son raise. I still feel overwhelmed, tired (more tired cause I am way older), but able to pray as I am blessed with royalty of the High King. I love you princess Lauren and so amazed at the mom of a prince you have become. We are blessed beyond measure.....

    ReplyDelete

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