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Showing posts from 2017

Passion

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I turned 32.
As I do every year I look forward to my birthday. And I ponder.
I think about my life the past year and if I have changed. Am I going into the new year different than the last?
Have you noticed that I have an analytical mind? (smile)
As I have gotten older, one question in particular has gotten louder in my head...
Am I making a difference?
If you hang around here you know Jesus is my number one passion.
Followed by my husband and sweet little boy.
But I am more than just a wife or a mother.
I have to check in with myself every now and then to make sure that I'm being Mindful and doing what God has called me to do as my own person.
Part of my calling is to be a wife, and a mother, but it is also a call to be in the ministry and to grow the kingdom of God.
I want to make a difference. I want to have the kind of Legacy that when people look back on my life after I'm gone that they think "wow, God really showed in her life"
Like my great-grandmother, anyti…

Death to me.

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Death to a precious life I will not meet until Heaven Death to my sense of security Death to what I believed was untouchable Death to my prideful way of thinking Death to a part of me...
I wrote this in my blog "Why Am I Like This?". And wanted to talk a little more about it.
We had a young man share about a loss he experienced with his girlfriend several years ago.
As he was talking my heart was racing and I felt my raw emotions coming up.
In our previous leadership role with the teens we work with we always try to be honest (appropriately) about things  we struggle with. So I did not want to skate over this subject as were talking about something unrelated, but wanted to tie in how it did effect us.
I think one of the biggest impacts that losing Little Bit had was between Josh and I.
I hesitate on sharing this, but Josh does not mind. As he has read and approved what I write when it involves his emotions. If I include him in these post I want to make sure he does not feel…

Never Forgotten

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I am one in four. 15 - 20% of all clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. That is a large number.
Since June of 2016 our family has had to endure four miscarriages. One being my own.
In my memories on Facebook I seen where I had posted and about the interview with Channel 8 here in East Tennessee. And I shared about the balloon release that we did in 2013.

And I remember getting so much healing from both balloon releases that we did in honor of Hope, and all the other angels that we wrote on our balloons for the ones who could not be with us.
And since I've had Ethan I have not been able to have a balloon release.
The first year that I didn't was because Ethan was just out of the NICU and with the new baby, and being a new mom it was hectic and I was dealing with postpartum.
Then the next year I was enjoying being a mom and honestly did not want to spend my birthday or my birthday month grieving. 
Not that Hope was ever forgotten or we always feel something …

Necessary End

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In a post I mentioned that J and I had resigned as Jr High Youth leaders.

It was not a quick decision. We have loved serving as Jr High Youth Leaders, and have watched several groups move on and now are in college.

We started the Jr High group in August of 2010. I have to admit that first group holds a special place in our hearts.

About a year and half ago J and I both felt God pushing us to something else. We did not feel it was right to leave the Jr High yet, but we felt there was a change coming.

Last year we started helping teach the Sr High and Jr High together.

It was a great learning experience.

And we LOVE our kids at HCF. (Our church)

Then a few months ago, we started feel that pull again, except this time we felt free to resign.

We had not talked with anyone else except for our close friends to help us pray.

Now, we felt released but had no where to go really... there are several areas that we volunteer anyway. But for our main ministry outlet we did know where God was takin…

My Boy

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I have on occasion wrote about E and shared pictures.

He is at the great age where he does all sorts of funny things.

E is the Apple of our eye... And everyone else that knows him.

The love this kid has in his life is so precious. We are so thankful for our family, church family, and friends.

E is blessed with having 3 sets of grandparents! 3!

The spoiling is out control! (Smile)

He loves so big! I get kisses and cuddles. It is safe to say he is a momma's boy. But daddy wins out more and more as he gets older.

But he loves his family. Especially his cousins.

He is so smart! He talks in paragraphs! His vocabulary is pretty extensive for his age.

But I have been talking to him like he could understand me since he was in my womb.

There are times when we have to ask him to be quiet just so J and I can hear each other easier.

He knows his ABCs
He can count to 20

Has some shyness. He is good to high-five but only if he is with someone he is secure with.

The little girls at church get so…

Are we going to make it?

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I have been missing for sometime... but this summer has been INSANE.

In my post "Why am I like this?" I mentioned that we had a crisis at the beginning of the Summer.

Now, that we have moved past it and it is not so fresh I will share.

J suddenly lost his job.

As you may know I stay at home with Ethan, I love it!

I get to really have the opportunity to invest in Ethan and be the one to teach him and instill his love for Jesus.

So it was frightening to think I would lose this.

J was applying and applying. He has so much experience and great work record. But nothing seemed to work out.

Apprehensive does not exactly cover the emotions we were feeling.

But, we serve a mighty God. And we claim to have faith.

So our faith was put into action in a big way.

As our heavenly father always does, he turned something we thought was the beginning of  the end into a Summer of fun and some learning too.

I learned something over this last almost two years. To really trust God. Like…

Thanks alot Police officer...

I seriously cannot believe this happened to me.

So, there comes a time in everyone's life that you realize you are getting older...

I mean you know your age, you see your body changing...er... sagging.

Your derriere... the girls... even your eyelids change...

As my almost three year old says "what in da werald!?"

(Excuse me why I sob because my baby will be three soon)

I am only 31. And Friday for the first time felt slapped in face with "you are ooolllddd"

I need to start at the beginning.

J and I were leaving our apartment, and I noticed that there was a big pile of stuff.

I commented on that is weird, did some one lose a bag? As we were talking about the who, what, and where J spots a social security card.

So I jump out get closer and see several items that belong in a wallet.

I go over to the pile of random and see a wallet, screw driver, half a biscuit, driver license with a name that doesn't match the social security card...

So I gathered what I thoug…

Why am I like this?

So, I hope you seen my live on Aunt LaLa's Facebook page. If you are have not been over there please do :) Like and Follow...

The video went into where I have been... and why the hiatus from blogging.

Last year was a rough one.

J lost an uncle and 2 aunt's.

We had a friendship severed.

Just two weeks ago we were hit financially. In a very big way.

My heart was broken when we lost Little Bit.

J put it so accurately when he said that we were blindsided... We were in a mindset of this pregnancy would be tough like Ethan's but it would be okay. Losing the baby never entered our minds.

We did not share the due date. On purpose.

I really didn't think I could handle everyone knowing.

Losing Hope was so different. Talking about it helped me. It helped me heal.

It connected me to women, forged friendship...

Losing Little Bit has been completely different.

I felt more vulnerable, it has felt deeper somehow

The most difficult part of this journey was that my faith was shaken.

Me!…

It Takes Three

I hope somehow these post about marriage have helped you or maybe remind you of what you may need to revisit in your own marriage.
It has reminded me of some of the most important things that are needed for a happy and healthy marriage.
I have had four post and this makes my fifth.
The four post covered...
Quality Time Communication Loving Yourself Compromise
This last post will wrap up the Keys to a Happy and Healthy Marriage... for now 
I really feel like marriage is not promoted in our culture.
Instead we have a "Try it on" mentality. Live with the person first. Then if you don't like them... well it is easy just break up.
But being in a marriage...having that commitment is sacred. It is a life commitment. Until death do you part.
Sometimes...marriages do not work out.
Someone said something to me who did not get that happy ending all us girls dream about.
"God hates divorce. Hates it. Do you know why? Because of all the destruction. It is havoc on relationships. It…

I want it MY way

Hi everyone!
So this is our fourth installment of Keys to a Happy and Healthy Marriage...
I hope you are enjoying these.
Today's topic - compromise.
In my personal opinion the reason we do not compromise is because of pride.
Pride can be our downfall in so many ways. In all of our relationships.
Scripture talks about pride alot.
Recently I taught our youth group and we talked about respect.  Sometimes when we are disrespectful it is because we are holding on to our pride.
James 4:6 says "But he gives us more grace. That is why scripture says: "God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble"
Jesus was the ambassador for grace.
God warns us about pride throughout the bible.
It is a dangerous characteristic.
I've touched on it briefly and today I'm going to focus on how pride can snuff out your marriage.
When you are joining two people together it is difficult. You both have your own quirks, pet peeves, habits, hobbies...
The list goes on.
You MUST compro…

Little Bit

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Just a little update on how we are doing...

I've noticed in this journey of miscarriage and infertility people are generally afraid to ask questions or bring it up.

Afraid it will be awkward or make us sad.

Let me say first, it is okay to ask. We want to talk about Little Bit. The baby was apart of us no matter how short the time.

We loved our sweet Little Bit. We would rather feel sadness and talk about the baby, then feel like people have forgotten.

That to me has been tough.

I know no one is going to grieve the way we do... its tough thinking no one remembers.

J is right here with me. Grieving too. People often forget that the dad grieves too.

J and I have been on a long journey toward growing our family. Having E gave us this false sense of hope that we would not loose a baby because we were successful getting and staying pregnant with E.

We were unfortunately blind sided by the still small image on the screen.

In saying all this we are having more better days. Less crying. …

Warning: Rant ahead

My post on here, my personal Facebook, my Instagram account almost never hold a rant. 
There is this stigma that really gets under my skin. 
I lost my baby at six weeks and one day. And I am grieving. It is hard.
No that does not make my love any less for E. 
No his everyday smiles does not some how magically erase my broken heart. (It sure helps me smile though)
No I am not reveling in the past but mourning a child... that I already had dreamed of. Made plans for. Decided on a name if it was a girl. 
No I am not being dramatic. 
If you know me at all the desire to be a mother has been strong in my heart since childhood. 
So to loose something you so desperately want is heartbreaking. 
It does not take away from my faith, or mean I don't trust in God. 
It does mean I am questioning and asking why? 
It does mean that I get angry. And feel I have been dealt an unfair hand. 
It does mean that when I walk into Kroger and see a new born baby sometimes I try with all my might not sob a…

One of the Most Important Decisions of My Life

This post is straight from heart and is painful to share... this is not only for my married readers but for my single readers as well. 
I remember when I was 14 and starting writing in a journal to my future husband.
I guess I've always been a romantic and my love for Disney probably didn't help.
To me the person I was going to marry was one of the most important people I would ever meet.
Marriage to me was/is something sacred, important, it would effect my life forever.
It was also something God had created. To join a man and a women together to form a team to work for him. To be companions for each other.
What God had and has planned for me has been important to me...A priority.
I knew what I wanted. I made a list. I petitioned God for about 9 years for my husband. I prayed for him.
My list: Had to have a one on one relationship with God. Had to be a lifestyle. Treated his family with respect and love Filled with the Holy Spirit and believe in the gifts of the spirit Had to…

What did you say?

What did you just say??

I remember the look my mom gave me countless times when she would ask me that question...

It gave me a few seconds to rethink what I could say from here...I could repeat what I had said which would of resulted in a punishment...Or I could say something totally different...

Usually I chose the latter...I changed what I said or gave a pouty "nothing"

My mom would say, "that's what I thought" I can still hear her tone. LOL

Our words have power, as a child the negative repercussions we not pleasant but they were not life altering.

As an adult our words hold more weight. We have bigger more complicated relationships. We are in leadership. We have our own children.

I talked about in my last post that I wanted to just put some keys to a happy marriage and a healthy marriage.

I talked about Quality vs Quantity .... The important of investing in your spouse

Today I want to talk about our words.

Josh and I established a set of rules for our marria…

Making it Happen

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After being married almost ten years I feel like I have some insight to this whole married thing. And let's face it we are always learning.

There some key points that I think are an absolute necessity to a healthy happy marriage.
I'm going to talk about those key things. Not in any particular order of importance just some info I'm going to pass along...
I'm an advocate for healthy and happy marriages. 
I believe they are possible and attainable.
I am an analytical thinker.
To me there is a formula to have a successful marriage.
Before I go into these key points or formula... Be warned... Being in a marriage is work. It's a commitment that is not to be taken lightly. You are a team. 
It's going to take you 100%  to do this. 
This post is talking about a key point: Quality VS Quantity
I'm sure the majority of people have heard that taking date nights are important.
Don't lose the romance
Always date your spouse

These are important.
But I've found its n…

Nitty Gritty Mom

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I have have been a mommy for a little over 2 years

That's 28 months

Which is 876 days

Or you could say 21,024 hours

When broken down like that it doesnt seem all that long.

But I feel like it was a lifetime ago that it was the two of us. Before Ethan.

Now to warn you I'm about to go all mom on you... So if you are a guy this may not be entertaining... If you have no interest to face the reality of being a mom...Or if you don't want to read my mom confessions....

Then this post is not for you ::smile::

I'm laughing here... Oh boy...

So I was doing laundry...I noticed my underwear.

They are quite... Eh worn

I told J I really needed to get some underwear.

He asked when was the last time I had gotten any new ones...

I had to literally sit down and think. Think. And think.

Oh moms...I really hope I'm not alone here.

I have not bought new undies since I was pregnant with E.

What in the world is wrong with me?

I started to think... When did I by last bra?

Two years ago!?

Moving Forward

I admire my cousin. She lost her husband last year. His birthday was this last month.

In a post she wrote that she wasn't moving on but she was moving forward.

Life continues, it doesn't stop for your crisis, grief, problems, delays... It just goes.

It is really inconsiderate like that.

I think one of the most difficult things to process for me this last season of my life was that very thing- moving forward.

I dug my heels and refused to move until I was ready.

Which trying to do that with a toddler that is one of my greatest joys in life is almost impossible.

I felt guilt for not thinking of Little Bit...Or being happy.

Then there are times when guilt comes because I have not "moved on" or "counted my blessings"

This journey has been more difficult in some ways than losing Hope... And in someways it's been easier

It hurts my heart that I have two babies in Heaven. Not just hurt... Its broken... But it's held together with love.

Wow that does sound …

Reprieve

Happy Friday!!

For the last 21 days I've been apart of a fast... 
What is a fast? 
Glad you asked...
To me personally it means to set aside something that I enjoy. A sacrifice. In place of this thing replace it with prayer and time with God. 
I feel it is like an extra "umph" to my prayers and petition with God. Like shooting a flare gun to Heaven...
I am not a scholar and that my friend is the best I way I can explain it in layman's terms.
It's not something to treat lightly...Or to get attention ( Jesus teaches against that in Matthew 6:5) 
It's a personal thing between you and God. 
At the first of every year of church does this fast together. And we see God move in such a mighty way.
He honors our sacrifices. 
But it's been painful too... At least for me. 
As I replaced my idol time with time in the Bible and praying there were things in my spirit that were not pleasing to God. Certain things that had to be dealt with
In John 3:30 it says "more o…