Death to me.

Death to a precious life I will not meet until Heaven

Death to my sense of security

Death to what I believed was untouchable

Death to my prideful way of thinking

Death to a part of me...

I wrote this in my blog "Why Am I Like This?". And wanted to talk a little more about it.

We had a young man share about a loss he experienced with his girlfriend several years ago.

As he was talking my heart was racing and I felt my raw emotions coming up.

In our previous leadership role with the teens we work with we always try to be honest (appropriately) about things  we struggle with. So I did not want to skate over this subject as were talking about something unrelated, but wanted to tie in how it did effect us.

I think one of the biggest impacts that losing Little Bit had was between Josh and I.

I hesitate on sharing this, but Josh does not mind. As he has read and approved what I write when it involves his emotions. If I include him in these post I want to make sure he does not feel like I am invading his privacy

One night in our group we were discussing marriage. Our youngest in the group was 13 and the oldest was 22. (Besides Josh and I).

One of the young ladies really touched my heart with her compassion as I shared how difficult losing our babies was and how it could have effected our marriage (We were doing a series on relationships). She stated that we were a "power couple" .... a couple that they looked at as an example.

What an honor and compliment that was.

But as I started thinking about what she had said I felt like a fraud.

And here is why.

Our marriage has been strong. Godly. Wonderful.

And in my own naivety thought our marriage was untouchable. In a prideful way I thought... We will never have big problems...we will never (insert ridiculousness)

I was wrong. Painfully wrong.

We have both have seen some really tough times. We have had issues to sort out and miscommunication.

But the path we have taken this last year months has shaken our marriage to it's core.

I never thought we would be in this place of disconnect.

One night... it all came out.

The insecurities. The buried anger. The grief. The stuffing emotionally. The loneliness.

We were both on our separate journey in healing and grieving.

One of us in a thick fog of grief and taking one day at a time. The other stuffing what they were feeling and becoming closed off.

Both of us were struggling.

I can completely see how losing a child destroys marriages.

How watching your child suffer from illness only to lose them. Giving birth to a baby who had already left this world...

I have a brand new insight on how easily the enemy swoops in and attacks a covenant between two people.

Spiritually I learned that I was letting Josh be my security and not Christ.

I was wanting him to meet a need that only God could get close to.

That was not fair.

I had to humbly ask for forgiveness for a judgemental heart. Thinking I knew how every one else needed to fix their marriage.

I now could say (heartbroken) that we were in trouble.

Maybe, you think this is too personal... But I know that we are not the only couple that has had to face a season of struggle.

We take our marriage seriously. We stand by the word of God, in that the marriage between a man and woman is an example of Christ and his love for us. It is a covenant between us and our heavenly father

It has been tough. It has taken intentional work and intentional time together. Intentional communication.

But we are doing it. It is working.

We are learning. We have been extremely humbled by God.

God is doing something big in our lives.

And through all this loss... God has changed us so much. Grown us

This post was started in July, it has taken this long to share. 

We are doing so much better than when I first started this particular post. God is faithful.

But growth is painful. And he definitely stretched us during this season. 

Oh but what we have learned about God, ourselves, and eachother is priceless.

We have learned that nothing and no one can be your all. It isn't fair to yourself or to the other person.

The expectations are unattainable.

But do not be disheartened because God is our hope, not, strength.

The journey maybe rocky and steep..oh but that mountain top! 

I'll end this post with one of my favorite quotes.

Xoxo

LaLa