Why am I like this?

So, I hope you seen my live on Aunt LaLa's Facebook page. If you are have not been over there please do :) Like and Follow...

The video went into where I have been... and why the hiatus from blogging.

Last year was a rough one.

J lost an uncle and 2 aunt's.

We had a friendship severed.

Just two weeks ago we were hit financially. In a very big way.

My heart was broken when we lost Little Bit.

J put it so accurately when he said that we were blindsided... We were in a mindset of this pregnancy would be tough like Ethan's but it would be okay. Losing the baby never entered our minds.

We did not share the due date. On purpose.

I really didn't think I could handle everyone knowing.

Losing Hope was so different. Talking about it helped me. It helped me heal.

It connected me to women, forged friendship...

Losing Little Bit has been completely different.

I felt more vulnerable, it has felt deeper somehow

The most difficult part of this journey was that my faith was shaken.

Me! The one who depends on God with my very core.

Sigh... This was tough guys...

It seemed the closer it got to the due date the more I struggled.

Going through counseling and working out my emotions was the best thing I could have done.

I believe we all have a calling on our lives. A purpose from God.

I have been "mothering" since I was a little girl.

I felt sometimes I was the logical or "mother" voice in the group of my friends. Especially when I was young.

Seeing women have miscarriages and acting like they are fine. It doesn't affect them in the same way. Or bother them.

I've seen women talk about it clinically... They don't see it as a baby yet. There is no attachment.

There are those that are sad but are ready to try again as soon as possible...

Then there is me. Heartbroken. Depressed. Angry. Crying.  In counseling.

I started to question everything.

Why am I like this? Why are they like that? Are they judging me? Am I judging them?

Women, especially those that have anxiety, can relate to that crazy spiral that leads you straight to thinking all sorts of things and they come fast one after another.

I have felt really insecure about myself during this time.

All these things that I believed made me who I am... felt shifted and shaken up

Through life God brings you through some trails, some valley's, and then there are mountain tops.

This valley I have walked was the valley of death.

Death to a precious life I will not meet until Heaven.
Death to my sense of security
Death to what I believed was untouchable
Death to my prideful way of thinking
Death to a part of me...

In the next post I will talk to more about this... And what has changed in me. And what has changed in my life. When I say every part of my life has been touched in this season, I mean that. Places that I thought your beyond being tested.

But know this, I am okay.

This scripture fits..

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,  but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

God is faithful.

Be encouraged. Even though I am writing about a valley. Our valley's do not last forever.

My prayer is that this blog reaches someone... somewhere.

All my love,

Aunt LaLa

PS Did you notice the new look?? :)