I did not want to write this...again

I had been keeping a secret from most people that I do not see on a regular basis.

On September 23 I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I was so excited, scared, shocked.All sorts of emotions.

We took video of sharing our news with our parents. I was bursting to tell everyone.

But something inside told me to wait. So I did not make an announcement on here or Facebook.

I went to my first ultrasound on September 29 I went in and I was still pretty early (6w1d) and they wanted to see me in two weeks.

So we shared with a few people, asked them to pray.

Saturday 10/15 my birthday

My body started changing rather quickly and this made me excited.

So today was the day... to see our baby get an official due date and hear our babies heartbeat. 

As soon as I seen the sac, I knew. 

The baby looked the same size, the sac was only a little bigger. 

I felt a rush of anxiousness. 

I knew, I just knew. 

Josh sat there held my hand. 

We both were in shock. 

Our "Little Bit" was gone

I just don't have words to say, and right now I am just wanting this next week to be over with. 

So we now have two precious ones in Heaven waiting. 

I don't have answers, and I don't understand. 

I have these pictures to remember our baby by

I am Angry. Disgusted. Sad. Anxious. All emotions that were covered at the workshops that were at a Women's Retreat I went on two weeks ago. 

That retreat brought healing and freedom to me. I do not want to lose that. I am not the same woman I was four years ago. And I know that no one grieves the same way... 

I am not sure what this journey will bring. But I do know I don't want to stay here. I don't want to return to that dark dark place. 

It is ironic how I just wrote about making a choice to live or die in these places of anguish and hurt? 

I do not think it was any coincidence that I wrote that just a few days ago... I wrote it for me. I was going to the woman that read that post. Because I needed to be reminded. I have choice. 

Yes, your right I have Ethan. You better believe when I seen him today after the Dr. I held him and I cried. I held him so tight. 

I was reminded today that he is my living, breathing, walking miracle. 

No, I don't know if I will try again...no I don't know what the cause was. Right now I can not make those decisions or finish those thoughts. 

All I know is my stomach is sick, and my heart hurts. I want to run away from this and not have to face it. 

Please pray for us. Because right now Josh and I need it. This is hard. Tough. Sad. Unfair. 

I don't know what else to add... besides I know I will be okay. I know even though I am confused and can not see the future or why I am going through this... but God is with me. He has been preparing me for this through small things. I know his presence is with me.

Even through this I will proclaim him faithful. 

Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;  his mercies never come to an end; they are new  every morning; great is your faithfulness.

I will have a D & C sometime this week/early next week. So please pray that all goes well, I've only had one major medical procedure and that was my Cesarean.