7 days...
Just to warn you this post is not a happy one. But as I go through this process of grief I'm writing it helps me make myself deal with this pain.
Today is 7 days ago at about 2 am I lost my first baby. And that hurts. Honestly I want to crawl in the bed with Josh and lay there. Because everyday I feel the emptiness in my stomach. Thats painful. I'm not sure when I won't feel this strong sense of loss. I've went through the loss of two grandparents and it was a grueling time. You feel in a fog.
This grief, is nothing like I've ever experienced. I so appreciate all the sweet letter and comments sent to me. Thank you. Knowing that our baby is recognized and was loved is comforting. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting.
Our baby would have been born sometime in or around December. A Christmas baby? We won't ever know the 'true' birthday. Maybe we will celebrate this little life next year. I feel the overwhelming need to make this baby be recognized or honored. I want everyone to know that Josh and I had a baby. For only 10 weeks maybe less. But it was ours.
One of my dear friends sent me a video that touched Josh and I so much. And yes, we cried... hard. But it comforted us knowing, we created this life and then it went back to Heaven.
This is the song..
I will not share all of Josh's emotions and what he is feeling because that is private. But he is hurting too. I think some people forget that the daddy is hurting too. He has been my rock, I know we will both deal with this differently, but it will be together.
I miss our baby, even though I never actually held him/her. We are doing some deep thinking on what we are going to do to honor our child we never got to hold. I don't if we will name him/her. Or plant a tree. Buy a figurine. It will be something that will be comforting to us and that will honors the babies life.
Being Aunt LaLa right now is the hardest thing. I just want to squeeze my nephews and niece. But I feel different now. More disconnected. I know its a process. However knowing all the realistic things doesn't ease the pain.
I'm so grateful to my Lord. Without his peace and strength I know I could not make it through this. I know he sees each tear and hurt.
Not sure when I'll be able to blog about other things, but I'm sure once we move and start making our house a home there will be something else to take my mind off all this. Not completely. With time the tears will become less. I know I will never forget.
To our Baby, I love and miss you more then I can express. 3/?/12 - 5/16/2012
Today is 7 days ago at about 2 am I lost my first baby. And that hurts. Honestly I want to crawl in the bed with Josh and lay there. Because everyday I feel the emptiness in my stomach. Thats painful. I'm not sure when I won't feel this strong sense of loss. I've went through the loss of two grandparents and it was a grueling time. You feel in a fog.
This grief, is nothing like I've ever experienced. I so appreciate all the sweet letter and comments sent to me. Thank you. Knowing that our baby is recognized and was loved is comforting. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting.
Our baby would have been born sometime in or around December. A Christmas baby? We won't ever know the 'true' birthday. Maybe we will celebrate this little life next year. I feel the overwhelming need to make this baby be recognized or honored. I want everyone to know that Josh and I had a baby. For only 10 weeks maybe less. But it was ours.
One of my dear friends sent me a video that touched Josh and I so much. And yes, we cried... hard. But it comforted us knowing, we created this life and then it went back to Heaven.
This is the song..
I will not share all of Josh's emotions and what he is feeling because that is private. But he is hurting too. I think some people forget that the daddy is hurting too. He has been my rock, I know we will both deal with this differently, but it will be together.
I miss our baby, even though I never actually held him/her. We are doing some deep thinking on what we are going to do to honor our child we never got to hold. I don't if we will name him/her. Or plant a tree. Buy a figurine. It will be something that will be comforting to us and that will honors the babies life.
Being Aunt LaLa right now is the hardest thing. I just want to squeeze my nephews and niece. But I feel different now. More disconnected. I know its a process. However knowing all the realistic things doesn't ease the pain.
I'm so grateful to my Lord. Without his peace and strength I know I could not make it through this. I know he sees each tear and hurt.
Not sure when I'll be able to blog about other things, but I'm sure once we move and start making our house a home there will be something else to take my mind off all this. Not completely. With time the tears will become less. I know I will never forget.
To our Baby, I love and miss you more then I can express. 3/?/12 - 5/16/2012
There is nothing anyone can say to make it better for you. The main thing is YOU to say what's on your heart, talk to the Lord, pastor, and talk to one another. If you need me to listen, I am but a phone call away. I love you and Josh
ReplyDeleteWe love you very much. We are just taking it day by day. When everything is settled with the move I will be sharing more about the baby. For right now we are just trying to get through. I know you are always there for us. oxox
DeleteAs I told you I am so so sorry about yalls loss. It is a pain that you only know if your going through or have gone through it. I dont know what to tell you about how long the pain will be for I hurt all the time. It gets easier but never forgotten. I think that it is very good and healthy for you to be able to talk and write about my niece/nephew. I prayed so much that you wouldnt ever have to feel this pain. I would take it away if I could. Know I love you and Josh with all my hearts. You both are in my prayers and thoughts. You keep that beautiful head up. Atleast now you know that there can be life within you. That is a big blessing. Call me anytime. I am always here.
ReplyDeleteKimberly
Lauren I just wanted to say thank you for posting the feelings of your heart. I can so relate to the wanting your baby recognized. You want to celebrate in some way the little one who means so much. I know for me, I still, after 7 years, get emotional when I see someone with twins or triplets. To be honest, sometimes I feel envy and pain. I don't know if my babies were boys or girls so I can't give them names and sometimes that makes me feel sad. I know people don't mean to make you feel bad, but sometimes they do because they don't treat a miscarriage as the loss of a child. They just kind of brush it off as a bad experience and you want to scream, it is my child that is gone! I just wanted to say, you have blessed my heart with what you are writing on here, it helps me to see that my feeling were normal and we can all help each other no matter at what stage we are in or how much time goes by. You are such a special woman, and I'm so blessed to have you in my life. Love ya
ReplyDelete