Today is 7 days ago at about 2 am I lost my first baby. And that hurts. Honestly I want to crawl in the bed with Josh and lay there. Because everyday I feel the emptiness in my stomach. Thats painful. I'm not sure when I won't feel this strong sense of loss. I've went through the loss of two grandparents and it was a grueling time. You feel in a fog.
This grief, is nothing like I've ever experienced. I so appreciate all the sweet letter and comments sent to me. Thank you. Knowing that our baby is recognized and was loved is comforting. Knowing I'm not alone is comforting.
Our baby would have been born sometime in or around December. A Christmas baby? We won't ever know the 'true' birthday. Maybe we will celebrate this little life next year. I feel the overwhelming need to make this baby be recognized or honored. I want everyone to know that Josh and I had a baby. For only 10 weeks maybe less. But it was ours.
One of my dear friends sent me a video that touched Josh and I so much. And yes, we cried... hard. But it comforted us knowing, we created this life and then it went back to Heaven.
This is the song..
I will not share all of Josh's emotions and what he is feeling because that is private. But he is hurting too. I think some people forget that the daddy is hurting too. He has been my rock, I know we will both deal with this differently, but it will be together.
I miss our baby, even though I never actually held him/her. We are doing some deep thinking on what we are going to do to honor our child we never got to hold. I don't if we will name him/her. Or plant a tree. Buy a figurine. It will be something that will be comforting to us and that will honors the babies life.
Being Aunt LaLa right now is the hardest thing. I just want to squeeze my nephews and niece. But I feel different now. More disconnected. I know its a process. However knowing all the realistic things doesn't ease the pain.
I'm so grateful to my Lord. Without his peace and strength I know I could not make it through this. I know he sees each tear and hurt.
Not sure when I'll be able to blog about other things, but I'm sure once we move and start making our house a home there will be something else to take my mind off all this. Not completely. With time the tears will become less. I know I will never forget.
To our Baby, I love and miss you more then I can express. 3/?/12 - 5/16/2012