So many emotions

I have to remind myself that it is OK to feel what I feel... I've been told to give myself permission to just feel the way I do. There is no wrong or right...

I just re-read the blog from last year at the second balloon release for Hope and the other angel babies. My heart feels so overwhelmed with so many emotions.

Tomorrow is my birthday... I will be 29. I'm sitting right next to a miracle. A real, tangible, breathing miracle.

Ethan was not expected to have ever be... then when he was born it was almost as if we were going to lose him before we get to hold him...

I do not think I could ever explain the range of emotions I felt the 18 days he was in the hospital. The exhaustion I felt... the anger, hurt, sadness, grief, and absolute joy of being a mother to this beautiful creation!

Sometimes we are hardest critics... we compare ourselves to other people or to something that is intangible. Talking to a friend today I was reminded that we have such pre-notions of what we "should" be or who God is or expects us to be. I have never felt so desperate for God's mercy and grace in all my life than I have in this season.

He gave it. He was there, when I felt guilty for being angry and feeling this was all so unfair to have my miracle baby boy in the NICU and suffering.. it was unfair that I had to leave him EVERY night...

But each and every day God somehow showed me he loved me. Whether it was a kind words from the nurses or a text message. One time it was a random post on facebook. I have had people reach out to me to encourage me.. every single moment God was with me.

And he was with my baby boy. Each and every time the Dr's gave us the stats of how long or how hard something was going to be my God displayed his Glory by healing Ethan every day and showing the Dr's that Ethan Alexander is NO statistic.

I celebrate life tomorrow. Life after death. Life after trauma. Life after loss. Life with God. Life with my sweet boy. Life with my husband.

I'm thankful to God that he has been with me and given me strength, peace, joy, and healing.

I celebrate the lives that I know my friends and family will be missing tomorrow... and miss every day.

We love you Owen, Mattie, Ashton, and Hope. And to all the other babies who we met or did not meet we love you!

My prayers to all those are feeling grief from miscarriage, infant death, still born, or infertility. Sending you a big hug. God's peace, strength, and joy be with you.

Love 

Aunt LaLa