I'm not going to lie and say that I have had the best attitude or mind frame these last few weeks. Losing our baby last year hit me really hard over the Holidays. I realized there would be some difficulty but nothing like I experienced.
I was talking to my best bud, we were talking about some different things we were both working through. We were talking about my grief just hits me at random. Sometimes just a little and sometimes it knocks me down. I told her, for everyone around me our miscarriage was an event and everyone moves on with their life. But for me... its still there. My heart is still broken.
I'm not at all expecting people to know or understand where I am in this journey or am I upset because they have moved on. I have had some of the most amazing friends gather around me and pray for me. Talk to me and listen.
Honestly, I'm not sure when this will stop. Or when I'll be "OK". I know that I will never be the same. It changed me forever.
I said all this to say even though I have every right to grieve, have bad days, cry... I can't stay there.
My attitude has been one of anger and jealousy. I have friends who are pregnant and a sister who is pregnant again. And friends, I have been angry that its not me.
The most riduculous thing I have tried to do was ignore God. I really did not feel like being before him with the ugliness in my heart. The ugliness that I was staying in. Some days I would try, key word being "I" there. I was praying but not heart felt. I was just going through the motions. I definitely wasn't trying to read the Bible. There was too much truth in there.
I stayed like this until I couldn't breathe... I truly felt I was losing myself. Because you see, God and I have always been on an open communication bases. I was shutting out the most important part of life. So I went for a walk. A non-stop fast paced 1 1/2 hour walk! (I felt it days later) I needed to work some things out. I made myself get out of bed and my pjs and I took off.
Why? Because I was hurting. And through that hurt I allowed the ugliness of bitterness and envy creep in.
But, I'm not there anymore. I'm truly trying to build myself up.
My soul needed God, Oh and to have the communication back open is amazing. I'm throwing myself in the word. Listening to sermons or worship in the car. I will not be "dead bones".
I'm working through it. God is right by side. This journey is a long and tough one... But God is making something beautiful out of it.
to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified