Monday, April 15, 2013

11 months...10 hours.... 53 minutes

The fifteenth passes every month without a second thought to most. 

For me its another marker of my baby being in Heaven. 
It is a marker that I'm another month stronger. 

 It will be a year next month that we lost our precious baby, Hope. 

I've been thinking about this alot lately. I think about where I was last year at this time, not realizing I was about to embark on the MOST painful journey of my life thus far. I've been going back and forth about what exactly I'm going to do next month when we reach 1 year mark. J and I have talked about this numerous times, as always he wants to support what I want to do. 

He is such a gift. 

My life is busy. Full of laughter and people I love. Full of work and stress. Full of school, cohorts, and projects. 

The closer the 1 year mark gets the more bad days I'm having. 
Of course there has been death around me these past couple months. Not me directly but loses for people I love. Naturally, that will bring up some grief in me. There are some negative thoughts today, however I'm trying to push on and not think on them. 

I'm giving myself permission to have a good cry later, but for now I have other things I have to make it through today. 

 But the pain in my heart is a hard thing to ignore. 

I'm thankful that I have my husband. J loves me for me. I know he will be my strength today when I need him and in the future. Our marriage has changed so much since losing Hope. It truly was a testing time... But we CHOSE to let God heal our hearts and work in our marriage. So for now we are a two person family and that is OK.. at least that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

 Until tomorrow... 

Aunt LaLa

3 comments:

  1. Oh sweet lady...I hear your hearts cry. The loss,uncertainty and waiting game of infertility is a challenge to the most courageous of souls. I am praying with you as you walk through this difficulty and knowing that the blessing of your husband and family will comfort you. hugs...

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    1. Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate the prayers so much!

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  2. Wow, Lauren. I didn't know. You are a beautiful family of two. My husband and I enjoy the same pleasure. We'll celebrate a decade of marriage this year and we've not been able to have children (the docs are trying to help us with this with some intervention :)) but we've determined 2 is good enough for us. You and I are so fortunate to have the unconditional love of our spouses and every moment of every day, think on that, and your new Hope will soon come. XOXO

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