An Ache

I haven't really talked much about Hope here lately. Its not that I don't think about her. In fact she has been on my mind quiet frequently. The 15th came and left and I didn't even remember it was the 15th. It has been 6 months since we lost our Hope. Even though it has gotten easier the grief hits me out of no where sometimes.

Like yesterday. I was shopping for Thanksgiving groceries and I thought while I was there I would look in the man's clothing to see if I seen anything that caught my eye for Josh for Christmas. As I was walking through that section I walked right into the baby section. I turned that buggy so fast and practically ran from there.

The air escaped my lungs.

I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. As much as I smile, pray, and enjoy my family there will be something missing. I should be around 6 months pregnant.

I was realistic about how I would feel during the Holidays. Thinking it was going to be painful... but the ache of a hole in my heart is just so big words can't describe it.

I see people pregnant and who have children that I don't think should... I read these students files yesterday thinking why did these parents get children??

Alas, I reel myself back in. I qoute scriptures to myself or pray and have a good cry. Grief makes you feel so alone. It makes any emotion much more then they are. But it is a process.

I'm looking forward to this fun season ahead. God has blessed us so greatly. He has done more for me then I'm worthy of. His grace and mercies are forever...

I'm holding on to that... but I'm human... and my human self wants to be feeling my babies kicks... not the emptiness of my womb.

Sorry for the heavy post... But as you know by reading this blog I can't pretend...

So until tomorrow... Hug your babies extra tight





Comments

  1. As Patrick and I struggle with our own fertility issues I find myself feeling the same way. Why do some of these people have kids who shouldn't have been allowed to reproduce once much less multiple times? It makes me so angry sometimes. But then I try and remind myself that He has a plan for us and if it is in His plan that we have children then we will (along with some help from modern medicine, lol!). Keep your chin up during the holidays but allow yourself to grieve as you need to. You are always in my prayers.

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  2. I can't say I know how you all feel but keep the faith that your time will come!! Ecc 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
    Some days it seems we have all the above in one day. Just let the day end in dance! Love you, grams

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  3. You have been in my thoughts and prayers so much during the last few months and have been such an inspiration to me. I see God using this situation to mold you and prepare you for something really BIG! This new job of yours seems to be a pretty good indication that is the case. I am so excited to keep following you on this journey and see it all unfold. Really, I just feel that this story is going to be so amazing! :-)

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  4. Like Sherry, I think about you often. I am hoping against hope that the little break y'all are taking is all the break you need to get the family that y'all deserve.

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