An Ache

I haven't really talked much about Hope here lately. Its not that I don't think about her. In fact she has been on my mind quiet frequently. The 15th came and left and I didn't even remember it was the 15th. It has been 6 months since we lost our Hope. Even though it has gotten easier the grief hits me out of no where sometimes.

Like yesterday. I was shopping for Thanksgiving groceries and I thought while I was there I would look in the man's clothing to see if I seen anything that caught my eye for Josh for Christmas. As I was walking through that section I walked right into the baby section. I turned that buggy so fast and practically ran from there.

The air escaped my lungs.

I have so much to be thankful for. And I am. As much as I smile, pray, and enjoy my family there will be something missing. I should be around 6 months pregnant.

I was realistic about how I would feel during the Holidays. Thinking it was going to be painful... but the ache of a hole in my heart is just so big words can't describe it.

I see people pregnant and who have children that I don't think should... I read these students files yesterday thinking why did these parents get children??

Alas, I reel myself back in. I qoute scriptures to myself or pray and have a good cry. Grief makes you feel so alone. It makes any emotion much more then they are. But it is a process.

I'm looking forward to this fun season ahead. God has blessed us so greatly. He has done more for me then I'm worthy of. His grace and mercies are forever...

I'm holding on to that... but I'm human... and my human self wants to be feeling my babies kicks... not the emptiness of my womb.

Sorry for the heavy post... But as you know by reading this blog I can't pretend...

So until tomorrow... Hug your babies extra tight





Comments

  1. Melissa V.November 20, 2012 at 9:04 AM

    As Patrick and I struggle with our own fertility issues I find myself feeling the same way. Why do some of these people have kids who shouldn't have been allowed to reproduce once much less multiple times? It makes me so angry sometimes. But then I try and remind myself that He has a plan for us and if it is in His plan that we have children then we will (along with some help from modern medicine, lol!). Keep your chin up during the holidays but allow yourself to grieve as you need to. You are always in my prayers.

    ReplyDelete
  2. sleelyNovember 20, 2012 at 1:18 PM

    I can't say I know how you all feel but keep the faith that your time will come!! Ecc 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
    Some days it seems we have all the above in one day. Just let the day end in dance! Love you, grams

    ReplyDelete
  3. SherryNovember 20, 2012 at 5:06 PM

    You have been in my thoughts and prayers so much during the last few months and have been such an inspiration to me. I see God using this situation to mold you and prepare you for something really BIG! This new job of yours seems to be a pretty good indication that is the case. I am so excited to keep following you on this journey and see it all unfold. Really, I just feel that this story is going to be so amazing! :-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. ValerieNovember 20, 2012 at 8:04 PM

    Like Sherry, I think about you often. I am hoping against hope that the little break y'all are taking is all the break you need to get the family that y'all deserve.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

I love to hear from my blogger friends! I will always try my best to reply to each one! Thanks for stopping by!

Popular posts from this blog

One year ago today my life changed

Image
One year ago today a new season in my life was manifested. One year ago this morning around 2am we lost our precious baby. Hope would be around 4 months right now had she been meant to stay on this earth. Even though my heart is broken I feel Gods presence with me today, so strong. Through many talks and prayers with my God, I made it through these last few days without being devastated. Through my obiedance I believe God gave more healing to my heart. Sunday morning was extremely difficult. But I received so much support. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. My sweet friends and family held me hand, rubbed my back, gave me hugs as I stood for the first time as a mom on the stage with the rest of the moms. I can not even begin to describe how much they helped. I know without their support and God's supernatural strength I wouldn't have made it through. As I left service I felt a little lighter, a little bit of that dark grief left. Last night was our women...
Read more

Never dreamed...

Starting last Monday this week was a complete roller coaster. Not sure if I could ever explain to anyone how painful it has been. I've struggled with if I should write about my experience. To write about something so close to you can make you seem so vulnerable. Writing has always helped me. I've kept a journal since I was nine. I've always been very analytical with my feelings and things going on around me. Which is why I have a journal, a prayer journal, and a blog :) Crazy, I know. I usually don't have much time to write in any of them, but the blog. I wonder how many women suffer silently because of what this one even does to us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don't want to suffer alone. I needed to know that what I'm feeling is normal. Even though people can be very sympathetic, some seem like it is no big deal. It was a big deal. And every second with the Lords help I'm making it. Last Monday night I had a miscarriage. Even as I type ...
Read more

I am the mom not you

Image
Through out my life there have been many times where unsolicited advice has been overwhelming, frustrat ing ,and hurtful. There has been three times that it was all the three above. 1. When I got married 2. When I had a miscarriage 3. When I had Ethan A few months ago I asked mothers to send me things that pertained to mothering their children. Some responses were heartbreaking and made me m ad to be honest . Some were your typical insensitive things that people say. I started writing this post to give examples, but I could not continue because honestly I was getting too angry. Some of the moms I have talked to have really suffered in silence by what some others have called "help" or just saying their opinions because they "care". My heart hurts so bad for these women.  I am a pretty bold person. I have had my moments where I have had to kindly put some one in their place. I also have had to be firm. Mothers need to feel empowered! These...
Read more