Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Is it my turn yet?

I think I've asked myself this question many many times.

My sister is expecting again. She will be having my nephew Mason in April. I have not met her fiance but she seems to be happy, and I'm happy for her. I know that God has a plan for each of us...

But honestly this broke my heart. And maybe I should not write about this but it is how I feel. I know my sister would understand if she read this. She has lost a baby, my nephew Ashton. She lost him in 2008 and it was heartbreaking. She was about 4/5 months when Ashton passed. Thankfully she has been able to carry JJ and Cayden ,not without difficulties, but they are healthy.

Now, I say all that to say I cannot say I was not heart broken when I found out initially she was pregnant. Honestly I was angry at God.

However, in the last few weeks I have worked on processing all of this and talking it out with God. I have to keep reminding myself what God has shown me.

1. I do not know what God's plan is for my sister, her fiance, and the kids. I have not idea what amazing plan he has for little Mason. It is not my decision what should and should not happen.

2. God has a unique plan just for J and I. It is uniquely created for our good with the best for us. So I MUST continue to trust in the ONE and only that can see the WHOLE picture.

3. J and I have actually have a plan and it involves waiting on trying to conceive. We feel it is a much better plan. Somehow the desire in my heart overrides my mind. We are not preventing getting pregnant. However we are not aggressively trying.

Since I know people are wondering and have asked what is the update on whether we are trying, not trying, adopting...

I know there are several who are praying for us and trust me we feel them. Even though we have a plan we still grieve our Hope and struggle sometimes with wondering if/when we will be parents.

I graduate in May 2014. Which is not that far off! After I graduate and hopefully have a secure job we will meet with our doctors and schedule to meet with a fertility specialist and get us both thouroughly checked out. At that point we will decide if we will continue through with IVF or another form of treatment. I do not think I can handle failed treatment or another miscarriage. So it really depends on our doctors findings.

If we decide that having a child biologically may not happen we will then begin to raise and save money to adopt. Our hearts are in-love with the thought of adoption we just do not know if it will be sooner or later that we adopt. But it will happen.

I think this post is long enough... Hope you all have a great rest of the week!

Love
Aunt LaLa

3 comments:

  1. You are facing a lot in the next few months, Busy times! Finishing school, Holidays, graduation, Jessica and Aarons wedding, your big party for graduation, etc. Just give it time to "happen". It will! I know it! Stress is quite a bit to do with everything! A time, a season! Love you both

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  2. Congrats to your sister. I know it hurts and I am praying for you always!

    Even though I do not comment, I still read! Just know I am here if you need to talk!

    Xo Lourdes

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  3. Lauren, I am so glad you shared this update. I am very happy for your sister and that you will have another nephew to love (since you are the best Aunt there is), but I also know you are feeling a little hurt and sad. I understand your "when is it my turn" questions. I am proud of the decisions that you and Josh are making for your family, and I know that God has great things in store. I am looking forward to seeing how all of it plays out as you finish school, find a rewarding career, and then seeing what God has in store for growing your family. I know it is just hard watching everyone around you who seems to be expecting babies right now. I see it too. 2014 is going to be a very big baby boom. I am not sure where we are in our journey either on growing our family so we are just taking it day by day. I would love to just slow things down a bit and have time to figure it all out, but alas, I don't think that is really in the cards when you have two busy kids, work full-time, and just don't want to miss out on anything. No, these are definitely not "problems" and I am definitely not complaining one bit, and I know I am so blessed. I just say all the time that I want to find the time to enjoy the present. Anyway, I just want you to know you really mean a lot to me, and I am hear praying for you! (Those are not empty words either. I do really mean them.) :-)

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