My post on here, my personal Facebook, my Instagram account almost never hold a rant. There is this stigma that really gets under my skin. I lost my baby at six weeks and one day. And I am grieving. It is hard. No that does not make my love any less for E. No his everyday smiles does not some how magically erase my broken heart. (It sure helps me smile though) No I am not reveling in the past but mourning a child... that I already had dreamed of. Made plans for. Decided on a name if it was a girl. No I am not being dramatic. If you know me at all the desire to be a mother has been strong in my heart since childhood. So to loose something you so desperately want is heartbreaking. It does not take away from my faith, or mean I don't trust in God. It does mean I am questioning and asking why? It does mean that I get angry. And feel I have been dealt ...
Starting last Monday this week was a complete roller coaster. Not sure if I could ever explain to anyone how painful it has been. I've struggled with if I should write about my experience. To write about something so close to you can make you seem so vulnerable. Writing has always helped me. I've kept a journal since I was nine. I've always been very analytical with my feelings and things going on around me. Which is why I have a journal, a prayer journal, and a blog :) Crazy, I know. I usually don't have much time to write in any of them, but the blog. I wonder how many women suffer silently because of what this one even does to us emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I don't want to suffer alone. I needed to know that what I'm feeling is normal. Even though people can be very sympathetic, some seem like it is no big deal. It was a big deal. And every second with the Lords help I'm making it. Last Monday night I had a miscarriage. Even as I type ...
I wrote this post last month actually... and I felt it needed some editing. Here is the finished post. I didn't change the ending because in the moment of writing this God was working on my heart and turned my pity party into a very humble and personal moment... I hope it touches your heart in some way. These past couple weeks have been harder for me. Not sure if it's my sweet natured baby is now yelling, pitching fits, hitting when he is mad... Sigh. Then I was sick. Then hormones are acting up. Whatever the cause I've really missed my life being just Josh and I. I miss being able to stay on the phone for way too long with my best friend. I miss being in school. I miss the camraderie of my cohort. I miss being able to enjoy going to work. I would not change having Ethan. My BIG little miracle. The gift of being a mommy is one of the greatest gifts. I love him so much. But being a mommy sometimes is lonely. There is a sacrifice to be...
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