Aunt LaLa

  I have this need to write when I am going through things that evoke strong emotions.  I have so many drafts saved and never published... but this... this will be posted.  Almost three weeks ago I lost a pillar in my life. He left this world and went to be with Jesus.  "Yes, we are of good courage, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord." 2 Corinthians 5:8  Grandpa has ALWAYS been there for my family. For all of us. From borrowing his truck, providing a roof over my head several times, to asking me just one more time while he lay in the hospital "You got gas money?" Just days before he passed. Today was a hard day. Words can not express my grief over losing my grandpa. Or the heartbreak I feel for my grandmother. They were married just shy of 63 years. She will tell you their marriage had many tough seasons, but they had many wonderful years. They fought for each other. They loved each other so much.  We are all trying to navig...

My last post was not a happy one or really all that joyful was it? When I wrote No Answers  I was in a rough place. This has been a trying year. A year of death, loss, trial after trial. At one point we owned three cars and not one was dependable. It was like a comedy and we were the punch line. Honestly with December came this feeling of hopelessness. I felt desperate to feel some sort of soothing balm to my open wounds. I have seen my sweet cousin lose her husband, Brian.  A young woman who was 25 die of cancer leaving three young children behind. We lost a pillar of our church, a man well into his nineties. He was and is dearly loved. A little child burned Children taken from their mother My sweet husband has lost two aunts and an uncle this year.... My sister was in a car accident and if not for the wonder of Doctors would have been permanently paralyzed... We lost our Little Bit, and a few months earlier a cousin lost her baby I know I am not ...

Last year around August I started bringing up the subject about having another baby. At first Josh was not keen on the idea. For several reason, those are not mine to share. When January came around so did Josh. We decided after an appointment with our Dr that we would try to get pregnant. We did. Then we lost our baby. I write this because I really pray for God's guidance in my life. Yes, I am one of those people... I actually believe God cares about my life and my decisions. And he has something to say about them too. I have been trying to do my devotional every morning before Ethan wakes up. I'm usually successful in finishing praying. I really felt like God wanted us to try again. And I really prayed hard. We went through so much with Ethan after he was born and I did NOT, let me express this again DID NOT want to have to go through that again. NO. I was scared the entire time I was pregnant. Then after he was born, we almost lost him. Today while I was ...

"For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." - Psalm 30:5 This scripture is one I've heard many times. And at times one I've clung to. Sometimes it has helped me in a literal way and sometimes in a figurative way.  Every night since last Tuesday I have went to sleep with the hope that the next day would be better than the day before.  Over the last ten days some mornings have been better, some days have been hard.  Some days I am okay, only tear up a few times. Some days I cry my eyes out while I do simple things.  Some mornings I look in the mirror and don't give my changed body a second thought. Then there are those moments I feel like my body has betrayed me.  My breast are back  to normal, my baby bump gone, no more little flutters... that glow you just seem to have when pregnant is gone and replaced with puffy eyes and a sad expression.  All wi...

Who will be the examples to my child, niece, and nephews in the future? I feel like in our government and sometimes in our daily lives the good men and woman are few and far between. The men/woman of integrity. Faith. Purpose. Drive. Love. Integrity to me is so important. It is what I looked for in a husband. A pastor. A friend.  Integrity the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness. synonyms: honesty, probity, rectitude, honor, good character, principle(s), ethics, morals, righteousness, morality, virtue, decency, fairness, scrupulousness, sincerity, truthfulness, trustworthiness Look at those synonyms. How many people do you know that would meet that description? I do not know many. I often think what would people see me as? Am I making a difference for God? Am I representing Christ in a way that would make someone want to know what I have in my salvation, or am I just convincing them of what some of the world thin...