Aunt LaLa

*Sigh* I just have to write this out. Get it out. We moved recently and as I was unpacking I looked at the shelf my mom had helped unpack and it had all of our Hope  knickknacks (Most of them came from our first balloon release, we decorated the table with them) . As I looked at the shelf I was overwhelmed by grief, and the feeling of loss. All these thoughts rushed my mind. Hope would be 4. The memories of that awful night, to pushing through each Mother's day...with my heart ripping out. I just cried. Cried hard. My heart felt wounded all over again. And I missed our baby more than I have in a long time. I've never forgot Hope, but with time and life rushing by the grief and sense of loss is not so fresh. Your opened wound becomes a scar. A scar that sometimes aches. Over the week I have seen people sharing their loss in honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, and tomorrow the 15th being the Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness day. 1 in...

Before I even had E I was asked if we wanted another child. I remember looking at these people like they had two heads! I had not even gone through my first birth... my second baby was not on my list. E's birth was traumatic and made me feel all sorts of fear and anxiousness at the thought of having a second baby. Even though I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I meant it when I said "We will adopt, I am not going through that again", here I am. I brought the subject up to J around September. E was about to turn one and I was really feeling baby fever. The year had passed so fast. However we were just really starting to feel comfortable in our new roles as parents and dealing with how that changed our dynamic as a family of 2 to 3. At first J was extremely apprehensive. For several reasons. Good reasons. This was kind difficult to deal with. Usually J and I when it comes to big decisions are on the same page. In this instance.... we were not. So we talke...

This week is Infertility Awareness Week. If you have been hanging around Aunt LaLa for a while you know infertility is a big part of my life. Our story has been a long one, but does not compare to some of the heart ache that couples have suffered. And are still suffering.  Struggling with infertility was the hardest things I've been through. I've lost a sweet angel. Now I'm gaining a miracle. Even though I'm finally expecting, it is still so fresh in my mind of the pain and heart ache we went through.  We have been trying to get pregnant for four years. Never in my dreams did I think I would travel down this road or know how hard it would be. I've cried buckets and buckets through this journey!  As a woman you struggle through so many emotions. You feel inadequate, that something is wrong with you, worthless, useless, guilt, and most of all your heart is broken. These are feelings that come and go. Sometimes are more over whelming than other times.  ...

Mom took this pic of me last Friday! Those squiggly lines are the babies heartbeat!  Oh it is the most wonderful sound I have ever heard!  I'll never forget that moment of when I heard the heart beat and seen tears pouring down Josh's face.  We have been so heartbroken at times and discouraged. All through everything Josh has been my rock.  All through January when I thought I was losing my mind he was there helping me through it. To see one of his dreams fulfilled as he heard his babies heartbeat for the first time is a moment I'll treasure.  There will be so much change in our lives this year. I graduate in May and then... our baby will be here in the Fall. Cousin getting married. New nephew being born.  Such happy times ahead!!    But I have to add this in... it is on my heart. When I announced our pregnancy on here I could not help to think of all the other women who were reading that post feeling forgotten ...

So at 5:45 J and I pulled ourselves out of bed and waiting anxiously for my interview to be shown! Then there it was, I have to be honest I was nervous, excited, and even though I'm celebrating Hope my heart was hurting. I'm so thankful for the support I recieve from my husband, family, and friends. I pray that the 15th at the balloon release there will be peace and a step toward healing for other women. I feel many mixed emotions right now! One of them is excited, I know God opened this door and I cannot wait to see what he is going to do in Josh and I's lives. Here is to my sweet baby, I love you Hope with all my heart. In the video I show my heart. This heart is from A Heart to Hold . They are an amazing organization. Their mission is: To offer comfort to families who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss by creating and sharing the gift of a weighted handmade heart. I love my heart and it stays close to me. I'm so grateful to have recieve...

source What a day! I never in my dreams thought that God would open the door he did today! First, there is nothing locally supporting Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month or any one doing something October 15th for the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day that I can find.  So, J and I decided that we would put together a balloon release in honor of Hope. (If you are interested in attending or would like a balloon released in honor of a precious one then please feel free to email me auntlala25 at gmail - or comment)  This morning I seen a post from a local news station trying to find out if there were any breast cancer awareness activities going on. I posted that this month was also Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month as well. She asked that I email her with more information about this. And I did.  So WOW part is they want to interview me! I will be able to share our story and spread awareness!! How amazing is that!?? They will also shar...

October is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month.  1 in 4 woman suffer with this pain and grief everyday.  When we lost Hope, I truly thought I would die. It was my worst nightmare.  I have had some really bad day and some really good days.  Yesterday was a bad day, but today is a little better.  I have clung to my faith through this and want to extend a crying shoulder, a listening ear that needs it.  Honestly some days it seems that God has forgotten me, I know he hasn't because his word tells me he will never leave me... but it is some days I get down but he always gives me strength to move through.  I needed and need people to recognize our Hope, she was real and we love her.  I know I will always carry Hope with me. No matter where I hear the word Hope I think of her.  I'm going to have a balloon release again this year. It will not be as formal as last year and I'm hoping to work on a actual wal...

Sometimes I want to fix. I want the people I love to do the right thing. I want them to love like I do. I want to protect them from themselves. I want them to have the love for God I do. I want.... I want....  I exhaust myself in "I want" I've been reading this book by Joyce Meyer. "The Battle Belongs to the Lord" I am only chapter two and God is really showing things to me. For one, I can not change people, circumstance, situations, events.... I am NOT God. And I exhaust my self trying to figure out "What can I DO?" I am a person of action. I want results. I hate sitting and waiting. I'll be honest in saying I am  not the most patient person. When J and I face a challenge my mind immiediatley starts to try and figure out what can I do. When I see my family suffering or making wrong choices I want to guide them and give advice. When I am having a bad day, feeling sad, disapointed... whatever... I immideiatley think "How can I ge...

Everyone of us has a past... The past molds us to who we are. This could be bad or good. We allow some things to dictate everything we do. I've seen this come in many forms. Fear Guilt Shame humbleness Compassion Awareness Pride Anger low-self esteem lack of self-efficacy  poor judge of character bad relationships bad choices over eating starving addictions bitterness Some of these are good some... not so much.... well the majority I've listed are from a nagetive point of view.  I read a quote today from a devotional posted by a friend "Your past is not your past if its effecting your present" This made me think. All of our past effect us in some way... But I think the person saying this was trying to make the point of you must not let your past effect your every move and define us. It molds us and we learn from our past. But how much of our negative experiences and pain do we carry with us all the time. What kind of burden are we c...

Can I just say everytime I look at my new blog design I smile? I love it! I must give credit where credit is due... I found the basic template at The Cutest Blog on the Block . Then I tweaked it to my specifications (nice big word fer ya). :) I then went to Blog Button Generator , this was the EASIEST way to make your own blog button! So please share the love :) And its FREE!! (now go ahead and add my button.. seriously its so cute!) I can not wait until Monday when I can annouce something very exciting! God is so good and faithful let me tell you! And no I'm not pregnant. I know that always probably pops in your head when I say I have  an announcement... So a little update on that part of our life. After not being successful after a month of following "directions" from the Dr. I kinda had a HUGE   bit of a melt down. When Eve's curse reared its ugly head I spent a week crying and being depressed. I then realized that I can not deal with the pressure and ...

I'm not sure who reads this from my local city in Knoxville or surrounding counties. But October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day. As you know Josh and I lost our precious Hope on May 15, 2012. In remembrance of ALL our losses I would love to have a balloon release. I know that this is something very painful, but I believe this could be healing. These were our children that we lost. I want to remember her and honor her memory. If you are interested in being apart of this and want to walk with me in this journey PLEASE let me know. The 15th isn't that far away. So if you want more information or would like to attend you can message me at auntlala25@gmail.com. Thank you!    

Dear K , ugh.  Dear Body , right now I'm not a fan of you.  Dear Pixel , the fact that I taught you a trick still is making me smile :) Dear J , I think your so cute trying to look all professional!  Dear Hope , Mommy has been thinking about you alot  Dear (hopefully) future kids ,  I guess this month was not your time. :( Dear Blog friends , I love that I can come here and share my heart  Dear weekend, I will make you awesome and I will relax even if its 10 min!  Dear school, I'm enjoying you but I can tell this is getting deep  Dear best bud , really wish I could come and see you! Dear J, I love you with all my heart... and this weekend its you and me and the mountains :) Dear God , I know you hear my cries and see my tears.  Have a great weekend!!

Today I've decided I would reveal our babies name. For a couple of reasons. First- We will be trying again to conceive and feel its time to share. Not that we could ever replace or want to replace our precious baby. Second- We want to celebrate her and acknowledge what she has meant to us. I want to write something about her from now on and use her name. To answer a question I know that will be asked. No we were not far enough along to know if our baby was a he or a she. However Josh and I followed our hearts. We just felt it was a girl. We named her... Her rock is resting with the other remembrance rocks of  babies lost. Put together by a women who suffered her own loss this year, and this was her way of healing. Naming Hope was a beautiful but painful moment for Josh and I. We were talking about how we were going to cope and heal through this. A dear friend shared her experience and that she named her baby. We felt this was something that would help us. As we bo...